Dr: What seems to be the problem?
Me: It’s my hearing, Doctor.
Dr: Can you describe the symptoms?
Me: Mmm, well, there’s Homer, Bart….
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CO-WORKER: Hey, I overheard you talking about followers or something. You on Twitter?
ME *sweating*: Uh, I’m in a cult
I just got mistaken for an employee at a haunted house. Assume it’s because I look authoritative not because I look like I’m wearing a mask.
[entering wrong password] sorry it was dark and you looked like my actual password
Diet update: I’m already down 3 scales after throwing them out the window.
Me: *pulls a glass push door*
Wife:
Me: *Leans back and pulls until the hinges begin to buckle and the glass shatters*
Wife:
Me: *stepping through the glass frame* weird door
Wife: *nods* weird door
You attract more men when you smell like butter, sautéed ham and onions than any expensive perfume.
Daytime tornado warning: grab phone, radio, & flashlights, get to shelter immediately
Nighttime tornado warning: if I wake up in Oz, so be it
“No son of mine is going to spend his entire day playing video games!” I tell everyone on various social media sites.
Pregnancy test that says, “Your cart has 1 item in it”
Cat 1: hey let’s have a big fight and trash this place
Cat 2: ok, but let’s wait till the human is in a deep sleep for maximum effect
Cat 1: smart. imma barf between the couch cushions while he’s brushing his teeth tho
Airbnbs today: wash the towels, iron the sheets, mop the floors, defrost the freezer, mow the lawn, clean the gutters, paint the trim, dust the floorboards, check on my mother-in-law, … And don’t forget to leave us a five star review.
[sees my pet ant crawl into the room where my wife and I are arguing] we can’t do this in front of her
[kid watching an episode of The Flintstones for the first time]
“They made a show based on vitamins? This is dumb.”
Nothing makes me get up faster than my 6yo walking by me with a bottle of Elmer’s glue.
I only use shampoo that smells like raspberries so people don’t think it’s weird when I have jam in my hair.
[Crime scene]
Detective: the victim was high af when he died.. you could say it was
*takes off sunglasses*
D: blunt force trauma
The man who invented Velcro died. RIP.
Excuse me, I’m sorry to interrupt but woodpecker tongues go all the way the hell around the top of their skulls like some kind of insane deli ticket machine
The theory of evolution has one fatal flaw, and it’s that pandas exist.
No way these buffoons survived before humans other than by miracles and divine intervention
“I keep waking up at 2:04 every night”
— my 7YO describing what I can only assume is the beginning of our family’s real-life horror story.
Me: Is there anyone who is dead to me right now that wants to talk?
Him: I’m right here!
Me, moving planchette across Ouija board: I M S O R R Y
Him: That’s not what I said
Me, moving planchete:
I W A S W R O N G
Someone just threatened to call me later
(Creating Atheists)
God: Make some humans Sciencey
Angel: Will they believe in you?
God: No, but they’ll be so surprised when we meet!
Before kids: I’m going to age like fine wine.
After kids: I’m aging like cheese. Left outside.
Whoops
her: I don’t feel like talking
me: uh oh, is it me?
her: not at all, I’m having a hard time
me: uh oh, what did I do?
her: no no, a family member died
me: uh oh, did I kill them?
2020: I’m so glad I stayed home. That coughing guy had COVID and made everyone sick.
2021: I hope that coughing guy doesn’t have COVID that will make me sick.
2022: I hope that coughing guy has COVID but the same variant that I had last month so he won’t make me sick.
Me:Yes sir, I’d like to try that bracelet on
[points at display case]
Clerk: Ma’am, those are donuts
Me: …..
😂💯
