Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The greatest trick The Devil ever pulled was NOT letting his friends and family know he was good with computers.

To every YT creator out there
Never put text on the bottom..
Biggest mistake in my life.

From a shark’s perspective, Jaws is a lot like Home Alone.

had my yearly physical and the dr signed me up for flu & covid vaccine and i had to tell her no & explain i am not an antivaxer i just always get my covid shot the night before the phillies have an afternoon playoff game so i can use my vaccine pto to stay home from work to watch

As the zombies swarm, I ask for one last selfie. By the time they realise their dead flesh won’t activate the touch screen, I’m long gone.

Before therapy: I hate people

After therapy: I hate therapists

Interviewer: If we hire you, where do you hope to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.

Actually resolved an argument between my wife and my 16 year-old daughter. Now being deployed to the Middle East to broker peace.

To make space in prisons, judges are now sentencing low-risk offenders to pick up a few things at IKEA during the week before college starts

My toddler told me to open my mouth and close my eyes and then proceeded to eat the surprise herself. She’s clearly ready for adulthood

Eating a takeout salad alone in your car can feel depressing, but not if you fully commit to the backstory that you’re a detective on a stakeout.

Date a photographer. Then when it doesn’t work out you have new pics for your dating apps.

FRIENDS reunion (2016)
RACHEL: [texting from bar] sry smthg came up
CHANDLER: [texting from home] same… work
JOEY: [in LA] wait THIS friday?

If you spend “up to $9000” on my funeral it better be on some kind of mechanism that makes me sit up in the casket when people walk by.

ur the human equivalent of having a hair in ur mouth

When he was very, very young the Greek philosopher was a mere Aristoddler.

True story 🤣

One reason I love learning other languages is you find out there’s one culture that has a word for like, “the feeling you’re going to put someone else’s silverware away incorrectly and alcohol is a factor” and you get to wonder why that became necessary to express so concisely

A large group of Karens is called a Homeowner’s Association…

if you become a ghost, don’t limit yourself to haunting houses. be the first to haunt a jellyfish exhibit! make a tulip your home and startle a bee. haunt a ball of yarn, get knit into a sweater. remember: it’s your soul that’s eternally damned, NOT your sense of style

*me trying not to be awkward when I meet new people

Them: Hi, it’s really nice to meet you
Me: Yeah, thanks, my dress has pockets

“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt not steal [raises eyebrow] where did you get that tablet from?”

That little rat from Ratatouille is under Pharrell’s hat pulling his hair to make him dance.

interviewer: for your most recent job you put down “i cleaned out my car some”

me: that’s right

interviewer: and for a reference you put down “my friend jarret”

me: he was there

Hotdogs contain nitrates that literally shave time off your life. Do you need any more proof that they are the ideal food

hey (with the intention of telling Jude not to make it bad)

What if IN DA CLUB was a Christmas Song?

“Cool.” was my spouse’s text reply to me getting our Pearl Jam tickets today.

So anyway, after I bury the body in the back yard, I have an extra ticket if someone wants to go.

Cute stranger: *smiles at me*
Me: *already imagining who will get custody of the dog*

My job’s cybersecurity training said to “never assume a connection is real” and I was like I’m WAY ahead of you, pal