Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me refusing to leave twitter

absolutely no one knows the words of “who let the dogs out” apart from the “who let the dogs out” bit

the face you make when passing someone you kind of know but not enough to stop and chat

doctor: where does it hurt
me: everywhere
doctor: where specifically
me: well right now, in your office

Meat loaf is in the oven, potatoes are ready to boil and mash, and laundry’s almost done. Omg, I’m my imaginary wife.

Do not believe the promises made during foreplay!!

*runs away from Satan*
*runs towards cake*

me: *emerging from a ten year coma*

dad: well look who finally got up

Oh Buddy. You’ve done more than make them think about it. You’ve bonded them forever in a group text where one of them will share a wedding photo or promotion news and one of the others will say “i don’t know, SMELLS LIKE FAILURE.” And then they’ll all die laughing.

*Buys map of world, pins up on wall
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands
*packs for wall 3 feet away
*has an amazing time at wall

It’s important to tell everyone you think Valentine’s Day is just a dumb, made up holiday. As opposed to all of the other holidays, found naturally occurring in the wild.

Level of drunkenness: fed the ATM pizza.

My neighbor started mowing his yard at 6am so I opened all my windows and vacuumed because I don’t understand how revenge works.

[first date]

Me: So what do you do?

Her: I’m a physiologist.

Me: Amazing! I love carbonated beverages. The fizzier the better!

what’s more important?

Everyone thinks they’re brave right up until a goose starts chasing them.

Cancelling plans is okay. Putting yourself first is okay. Going into the forest and abandoning society is okay. Befriending a pack of wolves and assimilating into their wolf pack is okay. Howling at the moon is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.

Raygun walking away from the Olympic venue and breakdancing perfectly as soon as she’s around the corner

“So how did you two meet?”
“Unfortunately.”

When bears are around, try to look skinny and they won’t eat you.

If that doesn’t work, kick your buddy in the nuts and RUN!

I literally got fired from a job for not knowing what to do with my hands when I talk. I guess sign language interpreting just wasn’t for me

Me: My friend is having a birthday party for his dog.

Her: How old is he?

Me: (Sigh) Too old to be having a birthday party for his dog….

All day: I’m so tired I could cry

12:30 am: Not only should I write a musical, I should do it right now

Forget a boring old urn with my ashes, when I’m dead and gone I want my kids to display my shrunken head on the mantle

I should probably just learn a skill instead of waiting around for a malevolent spirit to take over my consciousness or whatever.

[3am]

WIFE: *nudging my shoulder* I can’t sleep, do you wanna…

ME: *suddenly awake*

WIFE: …teach me calculus?

ME: We begin, as we must, with the concept of a derivative

Them: Do your best you can’t hurt me anymore.

Social media apps: Hold my beer🍺.

*gleefully prepares egg salad sandwiches for milestone birthday party of office nemesis*

*practices like 1000 times in the mirror*
[at Starbucks]
“One grander none-fatty flaparinno”
barista: …
“I’ll try again tomorrow”

*during sex*

Him: come on baby tell me what you want me to do!

Me: ring for pizza, I’m bloody starving