Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Found a potato way under my kid’s bed and I’m not even surprised, just relieved it’s not that old of a potato

My ex husbands Voicemail was a trick one where he’d say “Hello Hello, so you think he’d answered and that’s why he’s dead.

Does it make you an acrobat if you get suspended from the chandelier by your drawers after falling over the 2nd floor railing?

Still no power, and it looks like it’ll be off at least a few more days. So, it’s Mexican takeout by candlelight. Just like the original 12 wise men.

Date: any pets?
Me: a pet rock
D: lol at least u don’t have to housetrain it
Me: *flashback to piles of pebbles all over my house* haha yeah

4yo *holds out a play cellphone*
It’s for you.

Me: Who is it?

4yo: Someone about an extended warnty.

Me: Son of a ….

Of course I consume a lot of carbs. I don’t want to get decarbohydrated.

My dad: what kind of dog is that?
Me: Rhodesian Ridgeback.
Dad: Rhode Island douche bag?
Me: close enough.

Way back when, I thought technology would look more like flying cars and less like me yelling “The laptop’s not a touch screen,” at my kids.

(driving in a bad neighborhood)
me: *slowly locks my door*
murderer in backseat: *slowly locks their door*

been doing nothing but overeating and avoiding exercise since this quarantine started and for the last 10 years before that

Apparently it is “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.

At ease

Cndnsd Mlk

My villain power is instantly answering insults with vicious burns like:
“I’m going to throw something at you that will stick in your face forever”
“Make like Job and suffer endlessly” &
“Nice shoes. Did you make ’em?”

Yoga Matt

2000: I don’t want no scrubs

2020: I’m actually gonna need all those scrubs.

I wore skinny jeans once, it looked like when you try to get a tent back in a bag and give up half way

Nothing is quite as scary as hearing your doorbell ring on the same night you made a blood sacrifice to the dark lord.

Kids will find some random stick on the ground and within thirty seconds it has a name and a very thoroughly developed back story

Friend: I’m poly.

Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!

Judge: Order in the court

[from the back]
Me: Can I get a large pepperoni pizza with… [puts hand over speaker and looks around] what?

[a trampoline that allows me to get from the couch to the fridge in one bounce]

me: if I’m guilty of anything it’s caring too much…

judge: no it’s armed robbery

me: *clenches fist* about money

I’m 35 so when I get drunk I just water my plants a little more recklessly than usual.

Relieved to finally get a new microchipped debit card that provides added security to protect the $13.68 in my checking account.

Even my imaginary friend got bored and left me a note saying ‘we should see other people’

if you steal enough fitbits they’ll just give you one for your ankle

when I say “I want a boyfriend” I mean that I want to magically wake up one day in a peaceful and balanced 5 year relationship, not that I want to date or meet people or put in the effort towards making it a tangible reality

Stop right there babe, you need permission to enter the pillow fort.