Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

-Me: [Turns off the light, finally gets to sleep]
– Brain: Wait. Who the hell closes the bus door when the driver’s out?

My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and I’m like “Get outta here boys! I didn’t get this chubby by sharing my milkshakes!”

Me to my worm gf: cmon babe we’re going fishing

Willy Wonka: Welcome to my chocolate factory!
Kid: I love chocolate!
Willy Wonka: It’s death for you. I also make gum!
Next kid: I love gum!
Willy Wonka: Death. Anyone else here love anything?
Next kid: … I like TV?
Willy Wonka: ………… Death.

Bitcoin. Toothurt.

Her: Dude all your selfies look the same.

Me: That’s because it’s me in all of them.

Funeral Request:
Spread my ashes on a windy day so I get in everybody’s eyes and mouth lol I don’t even like you guys

[3am]

My demon: [dragging me down rabbit hole with me kicking and screaming]

Also my demon: there will be cookies

Me: say no more!

Some of y’all never had to risk it all for a LimeWire download and it shows

Swords just aren’t naturally “wooooshy” enough for me, that’s why I add the noise. That’s why I add the noise, Janet.

India launched a rocket to Mars this morning. That’s a heck of a place to put a call centre.

WAITER: Your meal comes with three sides.
ME (imagining a delicious triangle): Excellent.

WebMD says I’m in good
shape so I’m not worried
about a thing.

In 3rd grade the bus driver missed my house but I was too embarrassed to say anything so I got off at the last stop and started a new life.

I told my toddler that I loved her and she blew raspberries at me. Not quite the response I’d expected.

Had chicken and egg for dinner because I wanted to eat the whole family.

If you’re pure of heart you can put almost anything in the recycling

When they talk about CIA on cooking shows

What they mean: Culinary Institute of America
What I hear: spy-chefs

*puts my hair in a ponytail

IG influencer: here’s why we don’t do that.

*quits Twitter to spend time with family*

*remembers what family is like*

*quits family for Twitter*

Rosetta Stone says they’ll have me speaking another language in a month. Babbel says one week. But this bourbon only takes, like, an hour.

DOROTHY: What do these shoes do?
GLINDA: Send you home
D: Lame [tries new pair] And these?
G: Wait-
D: [clicks heels]
[turns into hamburger]

Trying to figure out the exact number of food pieces that need to be in water to make it go from being gross to being soup.

“why aren’t you in a relationship?”
(points to large stack of books) “uh what do you call this?”

Phones are getting smarter and thinner. People, not so much.

I’m going to stop doing any exercise that stimulates my muscles so I can finally be atrophy wife.

He died doing what he loved: almost crossing the street.

Can’t believe a woman would grow a life inside of her for 9 months and then name it Ian.

[Shipwrecked diary]

Day 1: I found a pen, and a notebook to write in. More pens. I might be in a Staples. Printer paper. I’m in a Staples.