Dr: you have pneumonia
Hillary: what’s pneumonia
Me: *fighting off secret service* not much monia what’s pneu with you
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settle down twitter crush. i didn’t ask your last name to google you. i wanted to see how it sounded with the names i’ve picked for our kids
Pro tip: Next time you’re at a bar, go up to a woman & whisper “Hey, wanna get outta here?”
If she says yes, you can sit where she was.
I swear people go to Starbucks and just say random words…
“Lemme get a grande iced mocha no foam quad soy hexagon vortex hypothesis with steamed ice”.
5 minutes left in this NBA game. Gonna read War and Peace, walk the dog, and get a mani/pedi before the final buzzer.
6yo (to her crying brother): “It’s okay to be sad, sometimes we need to let our feelings out, just let yourself be sad.”
Me: “Oh darling, that’s so lovely, well done. Why is he crying?”
6yo: “I hit him.”#mumlife
The best part about living during a global plague as climate collapse ravages a planet poised on the brink of world war is definitely getting up every day to make sure the spreadsheets are still spreadsheeting.
it’s common knowledge that a house isn’t a home until there are at least five different boxes of cereal open at once
If it wasn’t for google photos I wouldn’t be reminded my husband has been wearing the same 3 shirts in rotation for 15 years.
6, during a homeschool lesson: Mommy, Grandma says it’s a good thing you didn’t become a teacher…
Me: Well, Grandma’s probably right.
6:…but that you should have done SOMETHING with your life.
Interviewer: Your resume states that you can dunk?
Me: Are you going to test me?
Interviewer: No, I’m more curious about why you would put that-
Me: Oh well then yeah I can dunk
Sometimes I deliberately forget to use dryer sheets so my husband can go to work with my panties stuck to his shirt.
drunk god: land clouds
angel: those are sheep
Weddings are dumb. Except yours. Yours was a great way to spend money.
I’m looking for a home with huge yard, tall privacy fence and a couple of sheds preferably one with a freezer that can hold two or three.
–me on house hunters
She blocked me on everything, she must wanna see me in person
Fact: the lovable and cuddly panda bear is generally docile, but will shiv you for a can of Pringles.
Finally got to tell Tilda Swinton that I named my car after her, a 2006 Subaru Forester. And she acted like I just gave her an Oscar: “A robust beast! Can take a beating! Great in water!” Bless you, you beautiful being. ❤️❤️❤️
A really cute girl started working out next to me at the gym so i switched to super heavy weights to impress her someone please call an ambulance
My spirit animal is a hamster named Bob.
He used to be a regular hamster named Bob.
But, I kinda forgot to feed him for a couple of weeks.
the chicken crossed the road for the same reason everyone else does— to avoid running into someone it knew
Wedding DJ pointed at a bird that flew inside the building and yelled, “Y’all, give it up for the man who taught me how to SHAPESHIFT!!!”
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
7YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
7YO: …last night your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
Shout out to my self-aware friends, you know who you are
If you love something, set it free.
If it returns, it probably can’t pay its student loans.
Pro tip: if you show up nude to the Zoom meeting, you don’t have to do anymore zoom meetings.
Him: What are you doing tomorrow?
Me: I was thinking maybe a chocolate croissant for breakfast.
Him: *sighs*
Me: Oh, you mean between meals.
It’s your choice. Instead of resting bitch face you could call it irritable scowl syndrome.
When I asked for my wife’s hand in marriage, I didn’t realize how often I’d just get the finger.
To keep yourself healthy you should get 8 hours of sleep a day.
To keep the planet healthy you should get 24.