Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I have unrealistic expectations of my anti aging cream

The retirement age needs to be lowered to 50. I’ve had enough!

My eyes: *see baby on board sign*

My brain: surfing infant

funerals wayyyy too expensive. y’all throw me in an airfryer when it’s my time

If I was a magician I’d ask someone in the audience for a $20 bill and then just run away. You could prob make like $40 doing that.

Son: Dad, can you teach me how to use a condom?

Me: Yeah so you just put the drugs in, swallow it, and then poop it out when the plane lands.

If you want to become a beatboxing champion, try zipping up a tight dress.

A wee field mouse has been showing up at my door every few days for the last 2 weeks. He’s very polite. I say please go the other way, buddy! And he always does. Anyway, today my neighbor saw me telling him goodbye as he scurried off, so now I have to move.

Turns out you don’t need to have a large gathering to still argue about religion and politics.

Do I love my coworkers? No.

But are they good at their job and make my life easier at work?

Also no…

If I’m guilty of anything it’s that I care too much, that and murder

Radio Shack would have filed for bankruptcy years ago but they’ve been trying to do it using dial-up internet

Me: No, you cannot have any of daddy’s beer.
Son: Why not?
Me: You know why not.
Son: Because you don’t like to share?
Me: Because I don’t like to share.

Peter Pan seems like a fun read until it’s an hour past bedtime and you’re trying to convince your kid that she always has to tell you before she leaves the house, even if it’s through the window in the middle of the night with a magical flying man

HOT LOCAL MOMS IN YOUR AREA ARE WAITING TO TUCK U IN & WILL BE CHECKING THAT TOOTHBRUSH SO GET IN THERE & DO IT RIGHT MISTER

The only thing I love more than an open mind is an open bar.

Why spend money on graduate school when my mom can give you the third degree for free

I’m getting really fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £12 an hour parking – always whining.

Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.

Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.

Nobody mentions the strain your marriage experiences when your spouse starts experimenting with turtle necks.

Dad: No wonder your Twitter account wasn’t hacked

Me: You weren’t worried?

Dad: Not at all, you’re not nearly interesting enough for the hackers

It’s true. Parents that use drugs, have kids that use drugs. So, there’s an important lesson here…

Don’t have kids.

I’m not moody, I’m just on shuffle

These are the questions people should be asking. 🤣

Didn’t think the neighbors would notice the new bush, but this note asking me to wear pants suggests otherwise

My husband got stung by a bee on the forehead,he’s at the hospital now.
Face all swollen and bruised,he almost died…..

Luckily I was close enough to hit the bee with my shovel !!!

Why can’t opportunity just leave itself on my doorstep and send me a photo

Every time I watch Bambi I hope it will turn out differently, but I always end up drunk and covered in cool ranch doritos

I let friend’s kid call my ex & say “Are you really my daddy?” while I’m in the background yelling “hang up the phone,he doesn’t want you!”