Dr: you have pneumonia
Hillary: what’s pneumonia
Me: *fighting off secret service* not much monia what’s pneu with you

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Bruce Willis is relaxing by his pool. he’s got so much sunscreen on that he slowly slides off his lounger, out of the gate & down the road


me: i miss being in a relationship im lo-

*elephant charges and runs me over*

me: *lying on ground* oh right that’s what it feels like, thanks for the reminder mr bubbles

*elephant trumpets*


CAT: Can u check my blood pressure?
DR DOG: *places cuff around cat’s neck* Sure
CAT: Shouldnt that go on m-
DR DOG: *inflating cuff* Ssshhh


All the kids came home from college and somebody switched the ice dispenser to crushed ice so now we have to have a family meeting.


[Enter Password]
[Password weak. Password accepted, but system cannot respect you.]


I have no theories as to what the apocalypse will be like.

But I do know my kids will still be asking for snacks.


Fish look like they’re constantly being surprised by something.


[rolls down car window]

“Sir there’s a baby on your roof!”

Wait, if the baby is there… [sees coffee strapped in car seat]
Oh thank god!


If your bf/gf is mad at you put a cape on them and say, “Now you’re super mad!” If they laugh marry them.


Things that don’t kill bees
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming