Dr: you have pneumonia
Hillary: what’s pneumonia
Me: *fighting off secret service* not much monia what’s pneu with you
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[taking immortality pills]
wife: but wont we get bored of eternal life?
me: dont worry, we’ll have each other..
*we swallow the pills*
me: i can still see it in your hand
My daughter says she saw a demon in her room. I’m tweeting this from the safety of my office wishing her a lot of luck.
To bye at an auction you should bid adieu
[before humans were invented]
animals: this is nice
The only thing more satisfying than doing big yard projects yourself is paying someone to do it while you occasionally watch out the window.
*removing hair clog from drain*
Well wookiee here
If anyone ever saw me trying to zip up my jacket I’m pretty sure they’d make me repeat third grade.
Psssst.
Hey you,
Yeah you…Facebook parent. Your kid looks the same as it did 8 minutes ago. When you posted the other 45 pics. We get it
I just wanna borrow one of your kidneys. Just for like a sec.
*changes the spelling of ‘team’ to ‘teaim’*
Well that’s one problem everyone talks about fixed.
Him: Tire me out baby.
Me: *feeds him pasta*
coworker: what’re u gonna be for halloween
me: ur mom
coworker: lol havent heard that one in a whi–
me: matthew u never call
*Rock “the Dwayne” Johnson
I don’t always have time to call people back but when I do I don’t.
little bit about me: i once saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light. he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i just flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
My ex girlfriend has a tattoo of a shell on her inner thigh. If you put your ear to it you can smell the ocean.
Sorry I got discombobulated.
I’m rebobulated now.
We have plumbers working in our house. I just heard one of them say “Lefty loosey, righty tighty.” I know we’re in good hands.
boss: my secretary said you needed to see me urgently.
me confident I’ll get the raise I want because I found out his gamer tag: that’s right punished_gordon.
you can skip the karate classes and just buy a black belt. no one will care.
Friend: “I just blew a speaker in my car.”
Me: “Which kind?”
Friend: “Motivational.”
I love snow
– People who never shovel
Nothing is better than working out to 80s music. Except listening to 80s music without working out.
“This year sucked, next year will suck too.” Enough negativity, let’s hear something aspirational. In 2024 we will put all tik tok content creators in jail
Claustrophobia is the fear of closed spaces…
For example, I’m going to the liquor store and I’m scared that it may be closed…
They’re not gym clothes if you don’t go to the gym, they’re pajamas.
I wish my doctor would put down a little treat to distract me like my vet does for my dog.
Gentle reminder to send that good morning text so she doesn’t have to draw on her angry eyebrows.
ME: (peeing in the corner of the elevator)
GUY: We’re not even stuck.