Dr: you have pneumonia
Hillary: what’s pneumonia
Me: *fighting off secret service* not much monia what’s pneu with you
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One time I saw this guy on his knees in a bar begging his girlfriend for forgiveness. No idea what he’d done. Anyway, I shouted “OMG, HE’S PROPOSING” and everything went quiet as we all awaited her response. Really awkward
60% of Americans? That’s almost half. 🙂
seems like H&M is expecting a rush on Victorian funerals
Huge increase in Botox use raises eyebrows
Fool me once shame on you fool me 27 times you’re a piece of lint on the floor disguised as a bug
Zookeeper: This panda is on the rampage and I only have 1 tranquilizer dart
Me: it’s pandamonium!
Zookeeper: [shoots me right between the eyes]
doctor: how often do you exercise
me: does sex count
doctor: yes
me: twice a day
doctor: with other living ppl?
me: why would you specify living
doctor: just answer
me: no I don’t exercise
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
It’s her summer break so I woke my 12 year old daughter up at 5:15 this morning. I’ve been waiting for this revenge since she was 4.
“I took care of your clown problem.”
This weather better stop actin like my teenager’s mood
straight people: gay marriage is an embarrassment to marriage!
also straight people:
[trying to sneak a water bottle through security]
TSA agent: Good evening sir
Me: Nothing
Yeah, sex is awesome. But have you ever put clothes on straight out of the dryer?
Do I want to change career and uproot my entire life or is it just 6pm on a Sunday
Neighbor’s rooster hacks & crows like he’s been a lifelong smoker
I’ll write I’ll write I’ll write.
After years of music lessons my kid asked me what an F hashtag was so clearly I can stop saving for Juilliard
MAYOR: I now present you a key to the city
ME: So long, suckers!
*hops in city and drives away*
MAYOR: Come back! I need that for work!
This guy’s luggage is masquerading as a mystery traveler and it’s freaking me out.
FRIEND: Make sure you walk her to her car
[hours later after date]
HER: It’s been 18 miles
ME: I insist
HER: But you drove both of us
I am literally the only one at this baby shower who turned up with champagne & a coat hanger.
I always assume people with red cars were drunk when they went to the dealership.
On a dark desert highway
Cool Whip in my hair 🎵
*uses phone flashlight to look for phone*
wife: I’m having a baby.
me: *handing menu back to waiter* I’ll have a baby as well.
My cousin Tay Tay vaped once at a party and she went on to steal hundreds of dollars in clothing from various stores we don’t know if it’s related but you can never be too careful
I just had a raccoon knocking on my bedroom window like a boyfriend trying to get in when your parents fall asleep.
Everyone shut up, my 1st grader is telling me a 30-minute long story about how Laberham Lincoln got shot.
Put on sunglasses. Now run past a crowd of people with your index finger on your ear screaming “SNIPER HAS BEEN SPOTTED SIR”