Dr: You have walking pneumonia.
Me: That’s impossible.
Dr: Wha..
Me: I’ve never walked a day in my life.
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State Farm
Like a good neighbor, stay on your side of the yard, pretend I’m not there, and let’s have as little interaction as possible.
Just once i’d like to see a chicken picking out a rotisserie person
Me: Put on your seatbelt.
13: Do I have to?
Me: not if you want your face shattering the windshield
13: cool
Me: PUT ON YOUR SEATBELT!
Guess who doesn’t want to hear your kid sing? Everyone. The answer is everyone, so stop it.
Wife: Your problem is your incompetence
Me: I can hold my pee just fine
If I wake up at 4:30, I’ll have 2 uninterrupted hours to exercise, clean and make a healthy breakfast.
*sets alarm for 6:30*
Ok so my husband and I are mad at each other, and I just noticed on the grocery list he wrote “A Better Attitude”
Do I laugh or….?
I don’t like when they use “late” to describe a deceased person. It’s like give a guy a break on his attendance, he’s dead.
If you insist on changing someone, do it without their knowledge….Like by poisoning their food.
I asked my niece if she had a newspaper.
She told me newspapers are old school.
She said everyone uses tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad.
That fly never stood a chance.
friend: can i tell you something
me: give me the double vhs titanic version sis
Mess with your coworkers by walking up behind them and whispering in their ear, “strike two”
Ariana Grande is what happens if you feed a Bratz doll after midnight.
Me: *violently swinging a stick* these piñatas are getting harder to hit
Zip line park owner: Hello 911? He’s back again
[at the gym]
Body builder: how much can you curl?
Me: *smugly* I can do a 9 inch ribbon
[god making cheetahs]
Let’s just squish a giraffe and give it whiskers
My wife makes us recycle everything.
*empties condom into sink*
To the woman who just honked at me to leave this parking spot, I suddenly have dozens of urgent emails to respond to.
I got called “vein” and I’m just like, k not the most vital component of the circulatory system but still essential so thank you
I’m fine with premarital sex, but marital sex just seems weird. That’s your roommate. Boundaries.
One quality im not looking for in a potential partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm
Security: Animals aren’t allowed in this art gallery, sir.
Me: It’s my guide dog.
Dog: Picasso, born 25/10/1881, was a Spanish painter…
Alright, I know you’re all wary of funding another Jurassic Park when all the others have ended in disaster, but I have 3 words that will blow your mind: Chance the Velocirapper
My 12-year-old daughter has been watching Hallmark movies all day and eyeing me with increasing disdain
baby daddy implies the existence of ginger daddy, scary daddy, Victoria Beckham daddy and sporty daddy
My superpower is convincing my family I spent all day cleaning by lighting a few candles
[interview]
Ok, don’t let them know you’re naked
“Why are you naked?”
dammit
If you come up to my bedroom door and find a sock on the knob it means I’m having sex.
Probably with the other sock.
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
Sure, sex is great, but have you ever shoved a bunch of pots and pans in the cabinet and shut the door real quick for the next person to deal with?