@PAT_E_ROCK

Dr: You have walking pneumonia.
Me: That’s impossible.
Dr: Wha..
Me: I’ve never walked a day in my life.

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@omgthatspunny

It is tough to do inventories in Afghanistan because of the tally ban.

@T_N_Crumpets

Lady: he’s so mysterious
Lady2: I wonder what he’s thinking
[Me, just wondering how easy it’d be to convert a nerf gun to fire meatballs]

@JohnLyonTweets

“I wonder if there’s a word for a person who inspires you,” I mused.

@kamtweeting

There are hospitals for the criminally insane. And then there are parliaments for the insanely criminal.

@psybermonkey

Me (standing in front of mirror): bloody mary, bloody mary, bloody mary

Cop on other side: what is he doing

@iGreenGod

A face mask and rubber gloves is all you need to wear when you go to mall they said.

I felt a fool.

Everyone else was wearing clothes.

@EverydayGirlDad

As a kid playing parent, I never accounted for the 8 hours a week I’d lose taking underwear out of inside out pants while doing laundry.

@WheelTod

I ate a shepherd’s pie for lunch. He was pretty upset about it.

@Dutch_50

Whoever invented the carpet sweeper probably died laughing.