Dr: You have walking pneumonia.
Me: That’s impossible.
Dr: Wha..
Me: I’ve never walked a day in my life.

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It is tough to do inventories in Afghanistan because of the tally ban.


Lady: he’s so mysterious
Lady2: I wonder what he’s thinking
[Me, just wondering how easy it’d be to convert a nerf gun to fire meatballs]


“I wonder if there’s a word for a person who inspires you,” I mused.


There are hospitals for the criminally insane. And then there are parliaments for the insanely criminal.


Me (standing in front of mirror): bloody mary, bloody mary, bloody mary

Cop on other side: what is he doing


A face mask and rubber gloves is all you need to wear when you go to mall they said.

I felt a fool.

Everyone else was wearing clothes.


As a kid playing parent, I never accounted for the 8 hours a week I’d lose taking underwear out of inside out pants while doing laundry.


I ate a shepherd’s pie for lunch. He was pretty upset about it.


Whoever invented the carpet sweeper probably died laughing.