Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Beautiful day in Ohio. Went out for a run but I was back home in a couple of minutes because I forgot something. I forgot that I’m old and fat and can’t run for more than two minutes. if that.

There’s only a one-letter difference between heroes and herpes so I’m closer to being a role model than you thought.

“Getting fat” is absolutely a legitimate response to “what have you been up to?”

[fake yawns to put my arm around date but it’s so i can pet her dog who is also on the couch]

*Answers door naked*

Jehovah’s Witnesses… 😲

Me: Do you have a moment to let me tell you about my sex life? Here, have this pamphlet.

[ER]

Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet

Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg

D: Such as?

M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—

D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent

The Birdles

Last night at dusk we were playing outside and my 4yo was pretending to direct traffic as cars went by. A woman rolled down her window and very kindly said “thanks for your help!” and my 4yo, completely seriously goes “you’re welcome. You need to turn on your headlights.”

Me: Anyone else get the feeling their being watched?

…

CIA: They’re*

[Shopping with teen son]
*sees hot girl*
*waits until she gets close*
*grabs box of adult diapers*

“How are you doing on Depends bud?”

imagime if introverts were as aggresive to extroverts as extroverts r to introverts
“why do u hav to socialize”
“why dont u stay in”
“loser”

confuse your coworkers today by telling them you’re going to the restroom to do a “number 3”

ME: I really love motorsport.

DATE: Do you like F1?

ME: I like all the function keys.

I used to be a champion swimmer who beat every opponent. Then I was born.

A French press is when you hug naked

🤣

people who brush their teeth in the shower are operating on a level of efficiency i have no desire of achieving

My 6yo drew a picture of my mom, and I don’t think she’s ever going to babysit ever again😭

Millions of years of evolution have moulded us into a species that struggles to open the wrong ends of garbage bags.

Before asking for my advice, remember that I’ve been stuck upside down in a tree three times this week

[Office meeting]

*I stride in, straddle a chair:
Yo Guys. Listen up

Boss: Turn around Frank. We can’t hear you when you’re facing the wall

*runs into a burning building to save the fire*

Dog: *Asleep
Dog: *Totally sleeping fam
Dog: *Don’t worry bout me
Dog: *Down for the night
Me: *Gets comfy in bed
Dog: *I gotta pee yo

Me: the cords are tangled.

Brain: pull at them.

Me: shouldn’t I just untangle them?

Brain: pull at them violently.

why pay kristen stewart millions of dollars when a cardboard cutout of kristen stewart will give the exact same performance for free

Have you ever thought about how weird it is that one of your hands is dumber than the other?

My life coach: So what would you like to see happen this year?

Me: Kangaroos being allowed to fight in the UFC

Life coach: I will literally pay you to not come here anymore.

“You did it!”
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
-dog watching me fail to solve a rubiks cube

Kids be like don’t worry I aimed for the rug so I wouldn’t get your bowl dirty

“This is greatest invention since sliced Brett!”
—Cannibals