Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

please be safe all; there’s a guy on here telling girls he has a hot tub but it’s just a normal bathtub filled with hot water

My date didn’t go as planned and now I don’t know what to do with this kiddie pool full of nacho cheese.

Husband: What kind of toothpaste should I get?

Me: Sensitive, strengthening, whitening, tartar control, plaque removing, deep clean, breath freshening, complete protection, with baking soda.

Husband: So get the blue stuff?

Me: Yes.

[movie night]

5: what should we watch?

Me: anything you want

5 [opens every movie case revealing Space Jam DVD inside] not again dad

Friend: if you could have dinner with any person living or dead who —

Me: — what kind of dessert would there be

*standing outside your house

I was totally going to stalk you but…

*pets your dog instead

“I’m a huge fan.” – Peacocks

Halloween candy is more expensive than the drugs they said people hid in them

*looks back seductively*
[walks into doorframe]

Conversations with my pets:

Me: Please could you
Dog: OF COURSE!
Me: I haven’t said what it
Dog: I LOVE YOU!

Me: Please could you
Cat: No.

911: what’s your emergency

Me: I can’t find my lizard

911: do you have any details

Me: *holding tail* that’s how I lost it

They’re not called “butt hole mirrors.” They’re called “hand mirrors,” according to this clerk at Walgreens.

me: you have to be nice or Santa won’t bring you any toys this year

5:

me:

5: my brother lets me play with his

I went to type “kill me” and it changed to “milk me.” I don’t even know what else to say now.

me: so what’s the policy on backpack snacks

skydiving instructor: absolutely not

My 6yo asks me the most random questions. Today he asked “who do you think is the most rememberalist in our family?” I’m not even the most understanderalist at the moment, but I’m definitely the most confusededist.

Shouting “say my name baby” but it’s just me waiting on my takeout order

HIM: Hi, I’m Bill.
ME: Hi, I’m…oh shit this is embarrassing. I’m not really good with names.

Optometrist: better or worse

Me: oh worse, everything’s definitely worse

what if I told you big orthopedics is responsible for the crate challenge

waiter: *murdering me*

me: [after ordering the not getting murdered] no no this is fine

Why did Yogi Bear only have a collar and a tie, and not a full dress shirt?

*Patiently waits as you all Google pics of Yogi Bear*

[begging for change]

POLICE OFFICER: I’m going to have to ask you to leave

ME: *slamming fists against claw machine* but I’m SO CLOSE

POLICE OFFICER: it’s my turn

I knew this neighborhood was classy enough for me when I saw there is a “Pregnant Only” parking spot in front of the Liquor store.

[phone makes noise]
[gets giddy about how popular I’m about to feel]

Oh. It’s an email about car insurance.

[quietly dies a little inside]

Zack Greinke stories are the best

my kid has gone trick-or-treating in the same costume for 3 or 4 years in a row. no attempt to entertain the neighborhood, just punching the clock and taking their candy. 🫡

Whenever there’s a bee trapped inside my house, I always open all the doors and windows so all the other bees can join it and it doesn’t die alone.

Old Hollywood bloopers are a thing of beauty.