Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

nothing turns on a necrophiliac detective like cold, hard evidence

Its ridiculous that Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his anger issues and not for his amazing & realistic paintings of fake tunnels.

Another couple invited my husband and me to do a triathlon and it’s way worse than we thought. Apparently “doing a triathlon together” is code for “doing a triathlon together.”

*in an interview*

Me: Tell me a time when you really struggled in your previous job.

Applicant: 5-7PM po.

Me:

Applicant: 8PM.

Me:

“When I said Legos, I meant Roblox, but don’t worry about it. Santa knows what I meant.”

My 4YO, on the evening of December 23rd.

It’s going to take 14 years to put Harriet on the $20? I’ve got a friend in Chesterfield Square who can print some off in an hour..

1974: 3 hours to buy a movie ticket.

1989: Welcome to Movie-Fone!

2017: *streams Star Wars on toilet*

I had to dig my first 3ft hole with a shovel that took hours just to plant a tree so I can indeed confirm I would never be able to bury a body.

i have no electricity today bc of the snowstorm so i was forced to talk to my husband and son they seem nice.

Her: In case you’re interested, I’m dying.

Me: Then I’ll only set one place for dinner.

“I’m sure this happens every time a famous person dies but I wanted to see if the library had any of his CDs.”
“You mean like… music CDs?”
“Yeah. By Shane MacGowan? The Pogues?”
“Oh thank goodness, I thought you were talking about Henry Kissinger.”

20/__ — Cyclops with perfect vision

Discovered 24 long forgotten beers in the basement refrigerator so I’m about to crack a cold case.

Feeling tired, might convince a dragon I’m gold so I can nap for a few years in his cave while he protects me from anyone trying to find me.

I’m pretty much a SAHM now and someone asked me the other day, “so what do you do with all your free time now?” Ummm, I guess I just nap. And after a long nap, I like to squeeze in a short nap. Then the butler arrives & makes dinner while I ride my unicorn around fairyland.

Mushroom: what the heck am I?

God: you’re a mushroom

Mushroom: is-is that good?

God: yes, you have a very important job to do

Mushroom: like what?

God: *envisioning Mario* when the time comes…you’ll know

driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself

[Wife watching news]: The tuxedo store was robbed. Know anything about that?

Me in super frilly tux: Nope

*Dog walks in also wearing tux*

My toxic trait is wanting things I can’t have, like sleep and lactose

“That’s how kids get money. Loose teeth and chores.” -6yo niece schooling 4 on the way the world works

Hot sauce has plenty of vitamin C! *slaps orange out of hand

If lemonade is made from lemons, what’s a colonnade made from?

[Hillbilly court]

Judge: Yer charged with theft. What were ya thinkin’?

Gary Ray: My wife wanted a mink stole so that’s what i done did

ME: [inflating second “E” balloon]

WIFE: Are you sure you know how to spell happy birthday?

My wife punched me during sex last night. Probably a good idea that my mistress and I do it at her place next time.

Some dude told me he’s had 100 times more girls than me which made me laugh so much because 100 x 0 is still 0.

Friend: Can you give me a ride?

Me: I’ll give your MOM a ride!

[Later]

Me: So Mrs. Tromlhorn, anywhere else besides the dentist?

I drove my new Corvette over to see my daughter’s puppy. First time I took my Vette to the dog.

Jobs I’d be shit at:
-brain surgeon
-rocket scientist
-ventriloquist
-goat herder
-sober person thingy

for some *ridiculous* reason the french love to translate movie titles from english to… english

here’s a thread with my all-time favorites, starting with “the hangover”

…i mean VERY BAD TRIP