Dr: You understand, after this you can’t father children anymore.
Me: Got it.
[Later]
Wife: Can you just handle the kids for a moment while I-
Me : Nope. You heard the doctor.
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The Terminator would have been better if they’d cast Jim Parsons. “Bazinga” is so much better than “I’ll be back.”
to remove a tick first light a candle then slowly and carefully invite it to join you for a nice rare steak
Sorry. Not sorry
* eats all the leftover pie I can’t fit in the fridge.
* starts “Practical Solutions” YouTube channel.
Someone in the line at the gas station just now told me I had pretty hair, so I said thank you while laughing nervously and flipping it, hitting them right in the face. Let. Me. Die.
“Describe your last relationship.”
Tired: like two ships passing in the night.
Wired: like a container ship stuck in the Suez Canal that won’t move ahead but also won’t let anyone else by.
[movie night]
Her: Can I pick tonight?
Me: You picked last time and it was horrible
Her: WE WATCHED OUR WEDDING VIDEO
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about idiot teenagers who don’t know the difference between sleeping and dead
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
When we first started dating, I admitted to my husband that I was a bad driver. He said “That’s nothing, I saw a crazy lady run an 18-wheeler off the road yesterday. Poor guy was struggling for his life trying to keep the rig from flipping over.” It was me. I was the crazy lady.
Twitter is a giant book club, for perverts with no attention span.
there are rumors. that someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would have lost my mind
My second child was so overdue, when we left the hospital we dropped her off at kindergaten.
Me, picking my son up from zillion dollar camp: “What was the best part of your day?”
Him: “When you took us to the car wash”
Digital security in Ancient Troy
Oh, man. My grandma caught me texting my OTHER grandma and now things are super tense.
*catwoman struggles into suit*
*catwoman realises she needs to pee*
*crie*
they say you swallow 8 spiders each year, but what they don’t tell you is that it hits harder if you crush and then snort them
Geesh you avoid someone for 6 months and right away they assume you ghosted them.
They say chimps are our closest relatives, but mine’s actually my mum.
An OnlyFans but for bedtime stories.
tattoo artist: so you want a pair of scissors, are you a hair stylist
me: no I just hate running
*frowns in Scottish*
Me: My son’s goldfish died. What should I do?
Him: Just flush him down the toilet
Me: Gotcha. And the fish?
Told my 11 and 8 next time I take their electronics away I’d also be responding to all texts they receive.They’ve been well behaved since.
oh so you rich guys throw the water out after you boil hotdogs. too good for hotdog soup. too good to dab the soup on your wrists like colog
Be carefully which minty aromatic
plants you accidentally step on.Thyme wounds all heels.
ME: I’ve got this nervous tick
DR: Since when?
ME: [taking small arachnid from pocket] July?
MICK: [sweating] You said you’d do the talking
“You’re only as old as you feel.”
Me, feeling 300 yrs old: Yes, thank you. So inspiring.
Me: I’m here to collect my pre-demon.
Lady: Sir, at this animal shelter, we call them kittens.