Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Call me ignorant, but I have no idea what you’re talking about.

– “That’s exactly what ignorant means.”

I don’t get it.

“I got a kitten and it scratches me a lot.”
-Lame
-basic
-victim mindset

“I hired a tiny, freelance, in-house acupuncturist.”
-cool!
-impressive
-sounds wealthy

He was a hip
She was a po
Can they be any more potamus

Every parent the first time their teen drives on the freeway.

if cupid went bow hunting would the deer population increase or decrease?

That unspoken group dynamic when all your friends are in an Uber on your way to the club and the people in the backseat are lit, dancing and scream talking and the person in the front seat is the group’s PR person and talks to the driver and just keeps saying “I’m sorry for that”

Guy trying to flirt with me: I just can’t understand how someone like you doesn’t have a boyfriend.

Me: Here, does this help?

*turns and walks away*

If the work week didn’t already exist and someone pitched the idea of everyone working 5 out of every 7 days they’d get thrown in a volcano

“My ex was a great wife, mom & never once complained once about ass to mouth” was apparently not an acceptable speech when she remarried?

me: i need directions please

stranger: you need to go north and –

me: left or right

stranger: it’s a little more complex than that

me: *crying* LEFT OR RIGHT

Social media is perfect when you’re feeling sorry for yourself and your desire is to feel worse.

When I share any information about my twenties with my kids, I preface it with “back when the dinosaurs were all still puppies,” and they just accept this.

MOBSTER: *cracks knuckles*

ME: that supposed to intimidate me?

*his fingers start to glow like glowsticks*

ME: k I’m scared but thats rad

Keith Richards would kill on funny twitter

Apparently my hub is a 92 yr old trapped in a younger body. He just referred to you guys as my Pinstagram friends.

“The other day” -me talking about something that happened 27 years ago

Sex so good my Fitbit gave me a trophy.

Imitation is the sincerest form of crabmeat.

“I knew Jesus when he was just a carpenter.”

-the first hipster

Mom: why aren’t you and your “friend” close anymore?

Me:

Why are gifts in airports so expensive? God’s punishing you for waiting until the flight home to buy your wife a gift.

*stops midway* wait….did you say shrek or shark

-me as a tattoo artist

If I were a bumblebee, this leg hair would be an asset.

Justin Bieber has found Jesus which means that Jesus is really great at a lot of things but hiding is not one of them.

Whenever I see someone at a restaurant eating all alone I always think the same thing, “lucky”

Like The Shawshank Redemption except it’s just me at work chiseling a tunnel behind the “hang in there” cat poster for a more direct route to the vending machine.

me: I’d like to represent myself

judge: ok

me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty

me: *removing mustache* wait what

ME: I wish I could fix this problem

SOLUTION TO MY PROBLEM: Hey there-

ME: [avoiding eye contact] If only there was a way…

Cleavage is the original Jedi Mind Trick.