Woah, we’re half way there
“Your blood is 40% cheese, if you eat ANY more you’ll die”
*slowly raises piece of cheese to mouth*
“Don’t do it”
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Him: Who ate a whole pan of pigs in a blanket??
Me with crescent roll crumbs stuck to my lip: Burglar.
burglar: [sits up in bed] did you hear that
wife: [sits up] oh my god
husband: [sits up] why are you in our bed
burglar’s wife: [walks in] you son of a bitch
A boy met a girl
She:Every time u smile, I feel like inviting u to my place
He(smiling):Why thank u.. are u single?
She:No, I’m a dentist
Some schools are banning Santa so they don’t offend non-Christian students. That sucks, because Santa is my favorite part of the Bible.
PROFESSOR X: What is your super power
LOU BEGA: I can mambo a 5th time without having to mambo 1-4 times
PROFESSOR X: Astonishing
wife: I just got stung by a jellyfish. quick, pee on it
me: [peeing on jellyfish] this is for stinging my wife
My friend got stung by a jellyfish so I took a massive shit on his leg & he forgot all about the jellyfish.
Life keeps reminding me that I have no idea what I’m doing
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.