Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

text from my dad when lebron broke the record

When I die I want a memorial bench with a plaque that simply says ‘WET PAINT’ because I don’t want people sitting on my bench.

Straight people are cancelled

For a mountain to be called Kilimanjaro, it needs to kill at least 1 manjaro.

Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please. Be. Still.
3: What is still?

That feeling when you must evacuate your bowels after drinking fermented tea should be called spontaneous kombucha.

this brownie is so moist
“ugh i hate that word”
okay [opens thesaurus] this brownie is totally soaked. i love to eat damp and soggy brownies

Why did I schedule my dental cleaning first thing on a Monday morning? I hate who I was 6 months ago.

“HI DO YOU WANT TO DRESS UP NICE SO WE CAN QUEUE OUTSIDE A CLUB & GET INSIDE & QUEUE UP TO BUY A DRINK & THEN QUEUE UP TO GO TO THE TOILET?”

Eating a takeout salad alone in your car can feel depressing, but not if you fully commit to the backstory that you’re a detective on a stakeout.

Them: I don’t like you.
Me:

no one:

my roommate at 3:26 am: hey man, did you eat the last Pop-Tart?

Cop: There’s been another break in at the bakery.
Swan: I wouldn’t know anything about it.
Cop: *hands him a bread roll*
Swan: Word at the pond is that ducks did it, but you didn’t hear it from me.

Take it easy, Officer. You act like you’ve never seen a woman with a car full of penguins before.

me: omg why are you so obsessed with me

cop: because you ran over 4 people back there

In the original ancient Greek Olympic games, many of the athletes competed naked. It made the trampoline a lot of fun, the men’s hurdles not so much.

Friend: I’m about to appear in court.
Me: Best of luck! Kill it!!
Friend:…not exactly the best phrase to use in a medical negligence case.

Cashier: What does your tattoo say?

Me: It doesn’t talk.

Cashier: Ya, but what does it say?

Me: IT DOESN’T TALK.

Cashier: Ok, Ma’am.

(second date)
me: [eager to show off new tattoo] remember how you said you liked garlic bread

I hate dealing with fresh garlic. Each individual clove with their little f***ing paperwork.

I hate it when a dog starts barking and then every other dog nearby retweets him.

yelling “you’re not my real dad” is a faux pas

Oh, hey guys how were the bars tonight? That’s cool. In case you were wondering all of the Harry Potter movies are still really good.

[in bed]
BF: Why are you scared?
ME: Cuz your Mom’s here
BF: She’s not bad
*Mom hands me pregnancy test* This better be positive by sunrise

Me: When one door closes, another one opens.
Him: That explains the flies.

They offered me money to promote a product in my Twitter account, but my dignity is strong, as Axion “The true grease stain remover”

It’s happened

I used painters tape to section the family room so each kid stays in their play square…anyone who moves into someone else’s square gets sent to their room

Because apparently using the tape ON the kids is frowned upon 🤷🏻‍♀️

I have decided to keep my uncomfortable home office chair

This encourages me to spend less time in it

[1st date]

Him: We share perfect chemistry!

Me: *but all I hear is the word “share” as I create a fortress around my nachos with my hands*

Girls, get your abortions NOW in case the Republicans win