DR: Your cholesterol is high. What have you been eating?
ME: Mostly cholesterol.
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why does PayPal sound vaguely threatening
It’s not easy to find someone who has their shit together, but when I do I avoid them at all costs.
The term ‘monkeying around’ makes sense to me, monkeys are silly animals. ‘Horsing around’ pisses me off though, it’s very, very disrespectful… Pretty much every horse I’ve met has a job
I grilled a chicken for two hours.
It still wouldn’t tell me why it crossed the road…
Dating is just wondering why someone is single and then slowly figuring it out
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
11 lost a tooth the other day. He threw his tooth in the garbage, walked over to my wallet and took out $2.
He’s a better tooth fairy than I ever was.
As my mate Simon once said, there should be a German word for “there should be a German word for”.
This orange juice says shake well before drinking.
*shakes juice and puts back in fridge then opens beer
It wouldn’t be appropriate for me to comment further but that’s not going to stop me.
Love is blind but I’m keeping an eye open from now on for you eating all the cookie dough pieces out of my ice cream
that’s just… not what monogamy means??
Without telling me where you live tell me your social security number and mother’s maiden name.
my husband told me that i kept making really irritated expressions when he would say things and he was like “good lord WHY do you look so annoyed??????” and it was then that i realized that my botox has worn off 💀
I’d like to thank the people who buy the gift bags. Because of you, I have never had to buy a gift bag. Thank you, from the bottom of my large gift bag filled with smaller gift bags.
Hacker: I have all your passwords
Me: OMG!! Thank you! What are they
[1863]
LINCOLN: Here’s what I have so far…”Eighty seven years ago our f—
MARY TODD: Wait, wait…Why don’t you use some whacky weird numbers
“your cat will eat you when you die” yeah but he shows infinite grace by making no attempt in the meantime. leave him alone
I find your Winter Solstice greetings offensive and presumptuous. Some of us don’t believe in winter.
*sales call
Sales Rep: Trust me sir, I’m giving you the best deal..
Me: Ofcourse I trust you, we’ve been talking since 2 minutes, feels like forever
If you’re out shopping today I’m a size Nordstrom gift card
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
Nothing says I don’t want to be here like taking the gym elevator to the second floor.
Best things to pull:
9 Rank
8 Strings
7 The plug
6 The trigger
5 Your leg
4 Your head out
3 A fast one
2 Yourself together
1 My finger
It’s always annoying to be woken up by some guy mowing his lawn.
Just go around me, man.
Keep this between us, but I’ve snuck Don’t Speak lyrics into every relationship argument I’ve ever had.
People out there are trying to contact the dead and you’re telling me you can’t text back?
I remember the exact moment growing up when I came to know that a babysitter was not someone who sat on babies.
I thought I was being chased by a werewolf but turns out it was just my cousin Tony from jersey
Still disappointed that a goblet is just a cup and not a miniature goblin.