Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Scientists report global context shortage. “I guess I’ll have flan,” some scientist said, totally out of context.

when you kill a mosquito someone else’s blood is probably on your hands.

computer: “save this image as 6606499f1e5c84d7c30.png?”

me: “yea”

I hate the word Fiancée. Why do i have to speak french just because youre getting married

Green beans are also called string beans so string theory is now green theory. I don’t make the rules or follow them!

Dentist switches lamp on: “Now open wide”
Moth dental assistant: *repeatedly flies into bulb*
Dentist: “This has to stop Denise”

Dating is collecting information about someone until you realize you don’t like them

“What about flying rats with no poop muscles and scissors for mouths?”
– God creating birds

Is my boss trying to pronounce “charcuterie” or are they genuinely having a stroke? More at 11

them: With great power comes great responsibility

me: *shuts off electricity*

Follow Sunday: @funTweeters, because boredom.

Sperm 1: I think I’ve got a shot at a Nobel Peace Prize.

Sperm 2: Not me, I’m looking for a cure for Cancer.

Sperm 3 through 18.2 Mil: We’ve heard good things about the Xbox.

Starting to think the frog dissection skills I learned in high school are never going to pay off.

I’m a dad so I love talking about meat rubs but I’m also a 14yo so I giggle inside when I do.

Women think all the scars on my arms makes me look tough. They don’t know the truth that they’re from reaching into vending machines

I wanna get HAMMERED tonight.
Seriously?
Yeah, drunk as hell, bro.
Riiight. Of course, of course. *quietly slides hammer back into sleeve*

Marvel just revealed the title we’ve all been waiting for.
Spiderman: You’ll Probably Have To Watch It At Home

[Plays air guitar]

[Dodges air panties]

I make out with a squirrel at a party one time, and now everyone is scared of me?

That’s just ridiculous, he was dead for at least 2 hours.

If ovens self clean when the temperature inside is above 800°, why is my car still dirty?

One time I dated a yoga instructor & my buddies said “Man. She must be really flexible!” but I told them “No, she has to work most weekends”

What I know about light:
-Cannot be eaten
-Unless…
-Maybe can be eaten?
-I definitely made an eating motion
-But I am not full?
-Try again?
-I bit my tongue
-Can hurt your tongue

It’s like the world is being written by a third grader now.

“Then the virus came, and then there was no toilet paper, and then schools closed, and then there was a tsunami!!!”

I’ve traveled all around America and one of the craziest things to me is just how many places it’s perfectly normal for adult men to pretend to be cowboys

You know what they say,

so I won’t tell you.

THERAPIST: you’re always trying to make other people happy. You should focus on doing that for yourself too.

ME:

THERAPIST: ok?

Me: would that make you happy?

every 5 year old named Khaleesi is about to get a little brother named Zelenskyy

girlfriend: we need to talk

me: ok what’s up

girlfriend: I’m pregnant

me: OH AND I SUPPOSE THAT’S MY FAULT TOO

Earth is huge. There must be like 9 or 10 different countries on this thing.

Me: I realized I’ve never made a goose happy. I’ve never made a goose sad, but I’ve also never made one happy. Today is the day I change that.

Baker: So, two loaves of bread?

Me: yes two please.