Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

her: who’s ur favorite vampire

me: that one on Sesame Street

her: he doesn’t count

me: i assure u he does, Jen

NO…I don’t “make plans” because plans suggest INTENT…

…which is typically the distinction between second & first degree convictions.

Never, EVER, check mail when you get home on a Saturday evening. Unless you’re sure it’s a check made out to you.

[waxing salon]

ME: I need to make a waxing appointment.

ASSOCIATE: You want a Brazilian?

ME: No, I don’t need that many.

ME WATCHING ANY MARVEL MOVIE AFTER ENDGAME:
Wait, so society is expected to just carry on as if this insane collective trauma never happened? That’s ridiculous.

ME IN 2022:
Oh.

*Gets called into HR
Me: What was I accused of now?
HR: I haven’t had any sexual harassment claims against you lately. Is everything ok?

I’ve noticed eating popcorn during video calls tends to get them wrapped right up. Give it a go.

If I insisted on getting my kids to bed by 7:00 every night, I’d have to start their bedtime routine just after breakfast.

wife: did you pee on the seat

me: maybe a little

bus driver: ok both of you off now

[bar]
HER: wanna get outta here? *winks*
ME: hell ya
HER: whatya thinkin?
ME: lets go to my place and arm wrestle
HER: what?
ME: u scared?

[Invention of the universal remote]
“This changes everything.”

That moment when you hear a weird noise in the house and you’re so lazy you think “Meh, whatever. I had a good run.”

Somewhere in an alternate universe

Professor, clearing his throat:

“With the loss of cursive writing in the schools, it no longer became possible to effectively write on the snow in urine (urine being a single stream medium). Thus another level of achievement in English-speaking culture was lost forever.”

Angry church people on Good Friday are Fast and Furious

You should trust your gut but you should not listen to your anxiety. Good luck

Be the reason your therapist reevaluates their entire career.

I kinda feel like everyone shakes their head a little too much when they see me coming

My son asked me today how old Earth was and I told him over 4 billion years old. To which he then asked, “Ok so, how old were you when it was born?”

So if anyone asks, I guess I’m 4 billion and 40 years old.

Nutritionist: Do you eat salad?

Me: Yes, I love potato salad.

Nutritionist: no

hot instagram model girl: before each workout i always drink this

me: [laying in bed covered in crumbs] im gonna buy that

I once got a bonus onion ring in my fries at a restaurant that didn’t serve onion rings if you’re wondering who’s top shelf around here

If you feed your kitten Muscle Milk it will become a tiger in as little as 90 days or you get your money back.

GF: “Can I be frank?”

Me: “Sure, but I’d be more comfortable if you were a woman.”

FB: you have memories to look back on

Wine: i’ll take care of this

Me: Describe your love for me in one word.

Him: My what?

At what point do they stop replacing the wobbly wheels and just send the shopping cart off to live on the farm?

Both hands Mommy!

-my 4yo the backseat driver.

Just had a marijuanapiphany:

Xbox 360.
360° is a circle.
A circle looks like a zero.
Xbox 360 = Xbox Zero.
What comes after zero?
Xbox One.

The sentence, “The quick brown fox jumps over a lazy dog.” uses every letter of the alphabet and is also very judgmental about the dog.