Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No, I have a bunch more stuff to get, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.

Male writers often compare women to dessert foods. E.g. ‘She had brown chocolate eyes and cherry red lips.’ Whereas, they tend to describe men using savoury foods. E.g. ‘His leg was like a massive baguette.”

Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious, firey car crashes.

good news and bad news. bad news is the dog pissed on the bed
“we don’t have a dog”
*smiles getting ready to deliver the good news*

*brings change of clothes in case they serve ribs*

Welcome to your fifties, Saturday Night Fever now means lots of rest, cold medicine and chicken noodle soup.

ME, in my 20s: Bro, if you bring chips, make sure you get the “Scarlet Viper Ghost Dragon Habanero Pepper” flavor! Whooo!

ME, now: Excuse me, young man, do you carry “A Timid Suggestion of Chive” chips? I have a prescription from my gastroenterologist.

“ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!!”
I scream to my dogs as they all watch me trip, run into the coffee table and spill my coffee all over myself.

*moisturizes hands*
*dies of starvation in the bathroom because I can no longer turn the doorknob*

My grandpa went broke like 6 times trying stupid get rich quick schemes and played tennis like 5 days a week never got good and then when he died we found a bunch of sex picture that he was taking with my grandma so I’m not sure that generation was much different tbh

I miss the days when you could talk about a brand and they didn’t talk back.

I never learned how to flirt, I just roast the hell out of guys until they stop talking to me

therapist: if you don’t choose yourself, someone else will

me: agreed. i’ve decided to be a pterodactyl

therapist; that’s progress

me: haven’t tried flying yet

therapist: please don’t

me: you sound just like her

Is that a banana in your pocket because to be honest my potassium is really low and

I know a kid who throws her dress over her head to “disappear.” Sadly, it does not have the same effect when I do it.

Him: Don’t make this weird.

Me: Then why am I even here?

I eat pudding with a fork, so no, crossword puzzles aren’t really my ‘thing’.

Guys, please stop wearing Nasa shirts, I bet you can’t even name one of their songs

When someone asks me why I’m leaving the party early, I say “I’m late for an appointment with my pajamas.”

A restaurant nearby was burglarized and concerned neighborhood residents awakened from sleep by the extra loud helicopter the police sent to deal with it are getting to the bottom of whether or not the restaurant’s food is good

Reasonable mental health and a good relationship with his mother? I can’t work under these conditions

Good news, you survived the horrific car crash. Sadly we couldn’t find the other guy’s arms but we managed to reattach all four of yours

Reverse cowgirl because first dates are awkward.

Ending all emails in 2022 with BING BONG!

If my dad were alive today he would say, “Mark stop telling people I’m dead”

Yes, autocorrect, I wanted to ask if she was all tight. Thank you. Now I know.

[on phone with kidnapper]
*flirty* …no YOU have 24 hrs to come up with the ransom

My son texted me that he’d forgotten his favorite beer mug and asked if I’d email it to him. Naturally, I knew he meant to say mail, but don’t think for a second that stopped me from emailing him a picture of said mug.

Ketchup isn’t food.

-words to ruin a toddlers day

[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Girl: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?