Dr: your father is real sick
Woman: [sobbing] how long?
[her dad wheelies past on a bmx]
Dr: almost six yards that time
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me: ugh i hate subway. worst fast food chain by far
alien I befriended: on my planet there is no word for “hate”
The best part about pooping with the door open is seeing the faces of everyone in the elevator.
CUTE DUDE AT THE AUTO SHOP: & thats how u fix a flat tire
ME: tysm! My dad never showed me this stuff
DUDE: aw
M: *whispers* ur my dad now
aliens probably fly past earth and lock their doors
“So, which burner is your favorite? Mine is usually the back left.” -Me, trying to make friends in my 30’s
INDIANA JONES: this belongs in a museum!
*11 people die*
INDIANA JONES: this was worth it
I hope God rethinks his decision to allow an intern to run celebrity deaths in 2016.
What’s green, fuzzy, has four legs, and will kill you if it falls out of a tree?
.
.
A pool table
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To Do List While in Jail
1. Ask someone for an Eskimo kiss and when they shake their head no say,”Hey why’d you start without me?”
2.
3.
Stay here and watch people argue or log out and listen to my family argue? Decisions, decisions
“The name’s And The Giant Peach. James And The Giant Peach.”
Sometimes I’ll run into a friend’s husband and think to myself, “bro you have no idea how hard I’ve worked to help save your marriage.”
wife: honey did you see the new player piano I bought
me: *stops googling can ghosts play the piano* yes I did
Me, thinking about what i’d do if 10 birds attacked me all at once: sorry i zoned out there for a second what’d u say
friend: i said TWENTY BIRDS ARE ON THEIR WAY TO ATTACK YOU
me: OH NO!
[wife crosses out another baby name off the list]
What? What’s wrong with Carlos Danger Grenades?
If you die* in your dream, you die* in real life.
*pee
*opens kitchen drawer*
Me: Whoa, what’s with all the whisks?
Sir-Mix-a-Lot: Why you judgin me?
When I refer to old relatives passing away I never say “RIP” because I don’t wants them to rest. I want them to Zumba.
[haunted house]
Me: I’m terrified
Jessica: is it the rattling chairs
Erica: is it the bleeding doors
Sarah: is it the possessed portraits
Kate: is it the shaking coffins
Me: I’ve never spoken to this many girls before
We’ve reached that part of the day where my kids ask what’s for dinner & then tell me they don’t want that for dinner.
Me: Ok, here we go. Right foot, yellow
Me: Left hand, red
Me: Left foot, green
Police sketch artist: this can’t be true
Why is it so hard to find a woman who loves me for me and not the person I lied and manipulated her into thinking I am?
If you think my tweets are bad you should see most of my life choices
MY KID: can you do a cartwheel?
ME: not if i want to live
Not to be too edgy, but chocolate is now on average slightly too salty! It’s a nice change of pace, but not all candy needs to be seasoned like french fries!
Sex is great and all but finish your damn Kale!!
Me, looking for my phone: *calls it 5 times*
Me, finding my phone: Wow! I have 5 missed calls.
The best part of being incompetent to cook and feed myself is that when I travel I am positive I didn’t leave the oven on.
The Award for Best Actor goes to my husband for his role in “I’m Not Sleeping. I’m Just Resting My Eyes.”