Dr: your father is real sick
Woman: [sobbing] how long?
[her dad wheelies past on a bmx]
Dr: almost six yards that time
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me: do that thing i like
him: stops blocking the kitchen drawer i need to get into
I have almost 120,000 miles on my office chair.
Dear All,
During quarantine it’s normal to talk to your plants, walls & ceiling. Please contact us only if they respond.
Yours truly,
Psychiatrist
I once spent some time with my grandson’s second grade class so I think I have a pretty good idea of how government works.
“GUYS! WAKE UP! SOME DUDE JUST ATE CARL!”
I remember when the History Channel actually played MUSIC!
You can’t force me to watch your ads. YouTube. I will look away and plug my ears
Me: Well hello again. I knew you’d be back. I seem to have that effect on people
Fed Ex: Just sign here so I can leave
“Voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop.”
-corduroys
Hi you’ve reached my voicemail, this is by far one of the absolute worst ways to get in touch with me….leave a message.
Me: “I’m not going to spend any money today.”
Life: “That’ll be $200.”
Whoever invented grass must be a billionaire that stuff is everywhere
Parents should get hazard pay for sleeping in the same bed with a toddler
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight,
Begging for my cat’s attention
alien: TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER
me: [watching state of the union]
alien: oh crap
astronomy is a growing field as the universe is expected to expand indefinitely
How to kill a spider: get a piece of tissue paper, approach it slowly, and very carefully, burn the house down.
Everyone shut up, my 1st grader is telling me a 30-minute long story about how Laberham Lincoln got shot.
“Sir how should we sell scissors?”
SADISTIC CEO: Put them in tough plastic that..get this*cries with laughter* u have to open with scissors
Sometimes, even I can’t tell if I’m being sarcastic or if I’m really just a bitch.
In an attempt to groggily say hello, I sent “moron” instead of “morning” in a chat to my boss. How’s your day?
Once a year you should legally be allowed to end someone else’s date. Just hand them a card that says “Overheard you two talking and it’s imperative for humankind that you don’t pursue this further. Thanks.”
Me: I’m way tougher than you.
Wife: I gave birth twice without an epidural.
Me: So?
Wife: You called in sick for an ice cream headache.
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
A good hack to make my house look clean and tidy in the evening is to turn all the lights off.
I always thought people prefer eating chicken with their fingers, and yet, it appears I’m the only one in this elevator with a drumstick in each hand
Wife: Can you turn on the computer?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of computer]
Wife: why for everything
Quick befoure all the Americans wake up let’s add a loaud of U’s to moure words