Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Who do atheists pray to when figuring out their child’s online school schedule?

Movies show people kissing in the rain but I want a guy who’ll run out there and get the cushions off the porch chairs when the weather starts kicking up.

Roses are red. Violets are blue. If he’s busy on Valentine’s Day, the side chic is you.

me: officer there’s a suspicious looking van parked outside

cop: does it look shady?

me: yeah it’s actually a pretty good parking spot

NASA engineer: the shuttle is completely automated so sit back and relax

[5 minutes later]

me *wedged into a drive-thru* ok dont be mad

3-year-old: Can the baby come out to play?

Pregnant wife: No, honey. She’s not ready yet.

3-year-old:

Wife:

3-year-old: Babies are lazy.

dating me is like dating a golden retriever cuz u will be picking blonde hair off u all day and i get way too excited about everything

I’ve opened a can of worms. They just sit there, the worms. Hardly the chaos that’s been advertised.

[ spelling bee ]

judge: your word is feeling

me: can you use it in a sentence

judge: how are you feeling

me: ok

judge: wrong

My 8yo son spent 45 minutes perusing and closely inspecting the 31 flavors to finally decide on “chocolate.”

Her: How does she always know we’re taking her to the vet?
Him: I don’t know. Keep looking.

“AI is coming for your jobs” I’d like to see AI send 5 emails a day and check their fantasy football lineups on and off for 8 hours

I don’t really like the paper towel holder setup here.

Time for a new house.

My 3-year-old said she wants her first car to be a garbage truck. She’ll forget about it, but I’m still getting her one when she turns 16.

Although I’m not exactly overjoyed with my single status. I thank God I’m not married to the obviously married guy hitting on me.

The vet said he can’t prescribe my imaginary horse anymore ketamine.

Raised by wolves. Sent to college by wolves. Moves back home with wolves. Learns to ignore wolf-mom’s worried glances.

Megan, but with an H? Whatever you say, girls named Hmegan.

walked into a screen door after seeing a bird fly into a glass window, this probably means something, probably something stupid

Wow. Just found out that in England they’re called “Alvin and the Crispmunks”.

Kill someone with an icecream cone and eat it afterward. They can’t convict with no murder weapon. It’s the perfect crime. Plus, ice cream.

I was going to fake my own death but I didn’t want to have to start a new Twitter account from scratch.

“Why don’t you just tell her how you feel?”
“Well, alright.”

“Girl, I feel with my nerves.”

Mcdonald’s is the true nemesis of anyone trying to lose weight.

Their Arch enemy, you might say.

[blind date]

HER: I’m a big dog person

ME {trying to impress her}: My middle name is Clifford

– How was school?

4: Trenton said his dad likes to go outside and fight lions

– laughs
– oh honey

– nobody would name their kid Trenton

I would love to have children one day. Two days maximum

[No sports whatsoever: Day 3]

*cheers loudly for the leaf that blew across the yard faster than the other leaves*

*gives date flowers*

Here. I murdered these plants for you.

I shower with a suicide note in case I slip and die, at least I can make it look intentional instead of stupid.