DR: your IQ test results are abysmal
ME: is… is that good?
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The title of my autobiography is going to be ‘You’d Think I’d Learn By Now, But Nope.’
My 6yo is upset with my wife and I and promised to never talk to us ever again because we were both ignoring her as she was talking to us. At 6AM. While we were both still sleeping.
To get rid of house guests I just move them from room to room closing doors until they’re on the porch and I’m behind the locked door.
You know who DOES see something wrong with a little bump n’ grind?
Trevor in human resources.
Why is my body betraying me, I give it as much strawberry quik and cookies as it wants
Hitchhikers won’t kill you if you kill them first.
The first few months of a baby’s life are crucial and so it’s important that they see mom or dad playing Mario Kart.
Mars: I’m wet
NASA: I’m coming over
my internet boyfriend is cheating on me with my other internet boyfriend
I always feel bad for seedless watermelon because what if they wanted to have babies.
That moment when you see candid pics of yourself, taken from behind while out walking and it just confirms you look like a giant chicken nugget propped up on two waffle cones.
an hour into The Sound of Music “yes. this is what music sounds like.”
When I practice my saxophone I have to put the cat in the window, so my neighbours know I’m not kicking it around the living room.
Start the year as you intend to continue.
I ran into the guy who delivered my pizzas a couple nights ago at a concert and he didn’t even remember who I was. Never meet your heroes.
<At Duel>
“Draw your weapon”
Me: *frantically trying to sketch a bear with gun legs & a shark head.
Some Very British Problems with that tedious consequence of moving house: unpacking.
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
I wonder if the woman sitting in front of me at this game knows I can see every sexy text she sends her man as she sits close beside her other man.
“I am almost there, keep your computer on”, windows updates probably.
Nobody knows how they got cats. One day you just have cats.
“how would you like your steak prepared?”
i’d like the chefs to work together and try their best and most of all have fun
The left. The right. The ambidextrous. Politics is so confusing.
the last time i went hiking i almost passed out from holding my breath as i passed a group of much more fit hikers so they wouldn’t hear how i was truly fighting for my life walking up the hill at the beginning of the trail.
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all French toast.
Jingle Bell Rock implies the existence of Jingle Bell Paper and Jingle Bell Scissors.
my kids’ favourite game was MAMA CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUF! so no, I’m not worried about the vaccine
When the app is running smoothly, no one acknowledges the developers. But when it glitches for two seconds, suddenly we’re the most popular guys in the building.
me: hey big boy
friend: please don’t talk to the Lincoln memorial like that