DR: your IQ test results are abysmal
ME: is… is that good?
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We don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you a little bit and decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “she’s being weird again”
Right before my grandma passed away she presented me with a jewelry box full of my own baby teeth like cursed hand-me-downs
I’m not saying breakfast tacos are the cure but I’ve had breakfast tacos every day for 2 weeks and I’m COVID19 free, you do the math.
ME: ooooh can I lick the beater?
HEART SURGEON: please stop calling it that
amazing news for movie lovers. i have just RSVPed yes to a wedding where the only person i will know besides the bride and groom is my ex boyfriend
I’m dressing for the weather I desperately want, not the weather I currently have.
Spiders and snakes are vital parts of the eek!osystem.
them: here’s 10 potatoes. eat them all.
me: seriously? i can’t do that. it’s too much food.
them: here’s 10 potatoes that i mashed up and added butter, salt and milk to
me: that’s better
I’m not saying I’ve gained weight, I’m just saying I don’t think my belt buckle should be facing the ground…
My husband just said “I love hearing you laugh” so I asked “oh, do you think my laugh is cute?” and he said “no, it just makes me happy when you’re happy 😊” and I genuinely don’t know how to feel about this answer.
Only in math problems can you buy 60 cantaloupes and nobody asks what the hell is wrong with you.
Sometimes I worry that pizza isn’t a real sport
“Hey honey”
*drags a cigarette*
“have you ever”
*drinks some scotch*
“slept with a guy”
*sucks a lollipop*
“with three arms?”
I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus: A Guide For Talking To Your Children About Polyamory
Sign at The Vatican says ladies should respectfully have their shoulders and knees covered. Turns out they mean everything inbetween as well
[undercover as a mom]
Me: my little Timmy is 6 years old now
Other moms: *narrow eyes*
Me: *sweating* i meant uh, 72 months
Slack jaw. Vacant eyes. All symptoms of someone listening to me talk.
YOU: Your guess is as good as mine
ME: Is it a dolphin wearing a banana hammock?
YOU: Ok maybe your guess isn’t as good as mine
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
this poem is overused,
just like your mum.
Someone had to say it 🤷♂️
If we make guns illegal, then nobody will get shot anymore. That’s how we stopped everybody from doing drugs
My toddler just told me that she’s my best friend.
Then she told me that the toilet is also my best friend.
She’s right about both.
Q: “How long were you at your last job?”
A: “Seven-and-a-half inches… same as now”
Stop making fast and furious movies.
uber driver heard me singing along and changed the station…
The vacuum cleaner is officially dead. Guess who’s getting a new vacuum cleaner for Father’s Day?
Just killed a cricket at work, and, long story short, I’m now being asked to audition for Riverdance.
iPhone X
