Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

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Criminal Tip:

Buy a gun from a guy off the streets.

As soon as he sells it to you, point it at him & get your $$ back.

Free gun.

bartender: what’s wrong with you

best man: they kicked me out because i dropped the mike after the wedding toast

bartender: well that’s excessive-

best man: mike is the groom

[watching Queer Eye]
tan france on TV: *holding up a shirt* this is ghaaastly. this is the oogliest shirt i have evah seen.
me at home: *looks down* *is wearing the exact same shirt*

“Why do you hate me?”

– me any time someone tells me I have to sleep on a futon

Apparently, “lead the way” is not the best response to your neighbour’s “may you burn in the eternal flames of hellfire” after his 17th wind chimes go missing under mysterious circumstances.

My son doesn’t like when I participate in his slang world lol!

I found a YouTube video that addresses a question I have, but I can’t skip the ad, so I have decided to muddle through life not knowing the answer.

[girl at a restaurant starts choking on her food]

me: [to the waitress] I’ll have what she’s having 😉

*makes airplane noise*
*swings arm around*
*slides chapstick across your chapped lips*

Doctor Informs Patient Weird Lump On Neck Nothing He Can Afford To Worry About

me: oh, I have a great ide…

wife: no

Officer: Sir, we have reports you’ve trained this bird to injure passersby.
Me: Ridiculous!
O: The pet’s name?
M: Paul the Attack Canary.

Your baby looks the same as it did yesterday.

Me, commenting on a Facebook picture.

[being murdered]
Me: did you get that knife out of the dishwasher
Murderer: …yes
Me: and you didnt empty it
Murderer:
[murder roles reverse]

I like listening to Phil Collins in the shower. He gets creeped out when he sees me, though.

Overheard a baby crying in the grocery store the other day so I went over and joined him. I get it little dude, life is hard

Job interviewer: So do you have any people skills?

Me: Eleven confirmed

JI: What?

Me: What?

her: my therapist keeps canceling appointments to go on vacation to who knows where

me: [under breath] whereapist

If I like you I keep you close, if not I keep you at a distance so I can mime squishing your head between my thumb and forefinger.

*opens twitter*

*sees “Show me 2 photos of yourself that you like”*

*closes twitter*

It’s spirit day dress as your idol and my son went as his dad and my daughter went as me and her twin went as a dog. Note to reader: we don’t have a dog.

Horse: *tapping the hood* it’s got 400 manpower

I got catfished by someone claiming to be Mark Twain.

Friend: If you give it some deep thought—

Me: Let me stop you right there.

The best part about putting your cat on a diet is the frequent wake up calls every couple of hours starting around 2am 🙃

I always chalk the pool cue as if it is going to make a difference

my kids don’t always go to the bathroom but when they do they need to use the same bathroom at the same time, all together

My husband gets me to scream his name by doing his signature move of not leaving any toilet paper in the bathroom.

REPORTER: Tell us about the movie
ACTOR: oh man so many pranks
R: But the movie itself
A: lot of pranks
R: The director-
A: we played pranks