Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Friday the 13th is still better than Monday the 16th.

i want wolverine claws. not for violence or anything. i want them for easing my way through reality. like opening an amazon package. or killing a neighbor.

inventor of the leaf blower: what if we just yelled at leaves until they moved?

[helping kid w/math]

What is 0.1 as a fraction?

“One tenth?”

Good, now what does 10% mean?

“Battery low, plug in your phone?”

Perfect

[1st day as a detective]

me: a vampire did it

partner: sorry?

me: no garlic here, means the victim couldn’t defend himself from a vampire

partner: what? that’s not how u investig- ok, there’s no raid either, so what, does that mean-

me: hmm ur right, it could have been ants

I bought a dog so I wouldn’t feel creepy picking up poop off the sidewalk

by any beans necessary

Some call it flirting…. I call it just being extra nice to someone who is extra attractive…

Magician: Ok Sir, pick one, write your name on it, and put it back in to the pack. Don’t let me see which one it was.

Me:(wrestling with angry wolf) Have you ever thought of trying this trick with playing cards!!

#RateMyPun #LunchPun

WIFE: *reading news article* There are what appears to be coordinated attacks by killer whales on boats

ME: *barely audible* orca-strated

HER: Get out!

Doctors who do lip injections should be referred to as quacks.

Pro-tip Ladies, try to refrain from plucking that one crazy hair from his nose while he’s sleeping. He won’t think it’s as funny as you do.

So there’s been some misinformation going around about the “child stabbing machine.” I want to correct some misperceptions. To start, the machine is built to look like a fun party clown. It’s fun! Also (and it’s understandable if you weren’t aware) children love getting stabbed.

I’m upstairs and the food is downstairs. Send help.

If hackers really wanted to scare us they would post all of our deleted selfies instead of stealing our financial info

I bet you’re wondering why I pulled you over

Reasons to not go camping No.154:

People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world…

My kid, describing the size of the raindrop that “hurt” his face

Me: I’d like to withdraw some daylight from my savings please

Bank: sorry no

Me: look I’ve been inside for 8 weeks now, there must be *something* in there

Bank: ok thats not really how this works

Me: omg this is daylight robbery

[Giraffe Weatherman]
“Yes Bob, we have a major blizzard happening up here but
*giraffe lowers head*
on the ground we’re still looking good.”

*moves $124 to an offshore bank account*

The human body can survive three weeks without food, three days without water but only three hours without wifi.

Who called it your foot falling asleep and not coma toes?

me: if you love someone set them free

boss: you’re a corrections officer. you’re not supposed to fall in love with the prisoners

me (releasing my 10th prisoner of the day): my bad

Saying “have a nice day” to someone sounds friendly, but saying “enjoy your next 24 hours” sounds threatening.

Never sell a golf club on Facebook to someone from East Kilbride!

As a parent, the only warm meal I get around here is ice cream.

ANGEL: what are we gonna call the 11th month? I was thinking Vember.

GOD: no, no Vember. Vember is my ex.

ANGEL:

GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, so this is gonna sound really petty but I just had an idea-

The longest 36 hours of my day is from the moment I tell my kids good night to the moment they are actually asleep.

Happy Thanksgiving