Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”

Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it

“I want that fable on my desk, AESOP!”

Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even

bank robber: EVERYBODY BE COOL

me: [exists]

bank robber: WHAT DID I JUST SAY

Did a Yoga for Beginners class this morning. What comes before the beginner class?

Dogs have it good. No one ever wraps my pills in thin sliced roast beef.

Who called them mermaids and not scale models?

It’s true I hear voices in my head but they speak Russian so I have absolutely no idea what they’re saying

I just sung Mariah Carey’s “Hero” to myself because it seems no one else in this house can put a new roll of toilet paper on the thing.

“You know what, we need a huge spoon to take care of this” -Guy who invented shovels

This kid is going places

I figured out the best time to go grocery shopping these days is at 3:45 AM, before the Girl Scouts even wake up. Ha, I’ll show them.

Nobody shoots annoying people into the sun anymore and that’s why there are so many of them left on earth

CNN: The boy who cried Breaking News.

“Hi I’m returning this book, and before you say anything, it was checked out to me like this.”
“It was checked out to you wet?”
“…Yes.”
“In that case I commend you on managing to not let it dry out over the past two weeks and can I ask for your hydration regimen?”

ex: no one will ever love you like I do.
me: promise?

God: sends you to hell for aborting your ‘child’.
God: killed his only son.
And that, ladies & gentlemen, is religion in a nutshell.

I can see clearly now the rain has gone; I can *backs into mailbox* see all obstacles in my way *runs over squirrel* omg I love this song

Howl 😭

Boss: you need to take a drug test

Me: not if you want me to do this job

Be the reason why your local woods are haunted.

Buzzfeed will be the death of journalism intellect.

If you tell me you’re giving something 110% then I’m assuming the extra 10% is your stupidity.

*swipes right on my hand mirror

Hey babe…wanna come over and fold me like a fitted sheet?

This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.

I bet you didn’t see that one coming.

I use a wheelchair. I’m in charge of distributing nonalcoholic beverages at parties. I roll with the punches.

I’m having a shitty day, but then I remembered to shift my perspective, and I realized I’m also having a pretty crappy week.

If you stare at an ice-cube for long enough you can pretend you have laser-eyes.