@anbrll00

Dr: Your Mom is like regular moms except we lost her in surgery.
Me: Did you just use a joke format to tell me my mom died
Dr: yep

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@bourgeoisalien

I misspelled “marriage” and Auto Correct changed it to “mirage.” What do you know that I don’t, Auto Correct?

@kevinseccia

When did they decide that every razor had to look like a piece that fell off a Transformer?

@maisonshouting

MY CAT (checking her watch urgently): 3:30am? oh heavens I was almost late for parkouring loudly about the house

@daddydoubts

Friend: hey man can you recommend a good book to prepare us for having a toddler?

Me: yeah try the Strange Case of Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde.

@SirEviscerate

ME: I was left in the woods as a baby.
DATE: So, were you raised by wolves?
ME: Not exactly. *gnaws a tree in half*

@ricsem

I wouldn’t want to fly Virgin. Who’d want to fly an airline that doesn’t go all the way?

@LoveNLunchmeat

I’m not saying murder is the answer, but every time an ex dies, so do some of your darkest secrets.

@Parkerlawyer

I texted my husband and reminded him that you guys told me a couple of weeks ago that it doesn’t take 6 hours to play 18 holes of golf.

His response, “You can’t believe everything you read on the Internet.”

@ObscureGent

Anonymous just switched everyone in Isis from Amazon Prime shipping to basic shipping. Good luck getting Fallout 4 by Christmas terrorists!