Dr: Your Mom is like regular moms except we lost her in surgery.
Me: Did you just use a joke format to tell me my mom died
Dr: yep

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Ate at some place called Spaghetteria and let’s just say it gave me diaghetti.


me: excuse me sir, what kind of wine is this
sommelier: [pretentious af] it’s merlot
me: excuse me merlot, what kind of wine is this


At the ripe old age of 900, in a universe inhabited by thousands of alien races, I bet Yoda had some pretty racist shit to say.


Girls adore it when you guess their weight as they walk by.


interviewer: why do you want this job
me: i’ve just always been very passionate about not starving to death


*calls wife into the bedroom*
*dims the lights*
*turns on Marvin Gaye*
*sexily sweeps toddler’s collection of trucks off the bed*


911? I’m a man trapped in a woman’s body!
“That’s not exactly an emergency.”
Oh. Huh. Ok.
*Tries door in Statue of Liberty again*


Popeye was heart healthy because he liked to eat spinach and Olive Oil.


I like my women with curves. Lots and lots of curves. In a sort of spiral shape, maybe with ketchup. Curly fries. I like curly fries


I just paid off a credit card debt with a different credit card & now I get why people rob banks.