Dr: Your Mom is like regular moms except we lost her in surgery.
Me: Did you just use a joke format to tell me my mom died
Dr: yep

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I misspelled “marriage” and Auto Correct changed it to “mirage.” What do you know that I don’t, Auto Correct?


When did they decide that every razor had to look like a piece that fell off a Transformer?


MY CAT (checking her watch urgently): 3:30am? oh heavens I was almost late for parkouring loudly about the house


Friend: hey man can you recommend a good book to prepare us for having a toddler?

Me: yeah try the Strange Case of Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde.


ME: I was left in the woods as a baby.
DATE: So, were you raised by wolves?
ME: Not exactly. *gnaws a tree in half*


I wouldn’t want to fly Virgin. Who’d want to fly an airline that doesn’t go all the way?


I’m not saying murder is the answer, but every time an ex dies, so do some of your darkest secrets.


I texted my husband and reminded him that you guys told me a couple of weeks ago that it doesn’t take 6 hours to play 18 holes of golf.

His response, “You can’t believe everything you read on the Internet.”


Anonymous just switched everyone in Isis from Amazon Prime shipping to basic shipping. Good luck getting Fallout 4 by Christmas terrorists!