Dr: Your Mom is like regular moms except we lost her in surgery.
Me: Did you just use a joke format to tell me my mom died
Dr: yep
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When they say “all expenses paid” does that include bail?
I’m sorry, we can’t hire you. But your background check was hilarious.
Babies are just like turtles, keep them in water and also feed them turtle food.
Friend: Are you on social media?
Me, panicked: What’s a Twitter? Never heard of it. Nice foot clothes you’re wearing today.
I put the clean laundry pile on my bed so I’d be motivated to fold it and have a place to sleep. So after a few nights sleeping on the couch I started scooping all the laundry up in my quilt, setting it on the floor, then putting it back on the bed in the morning.
Get off my lawn, Pokemon Go edition
For someone who said “Correct me if I’m wrong…” you seemed genuinely surprised and upset when I did.
True
“I love my Job!” -Job’s wife
Is sandalwood what a man gets if he’s unusually turned on by a pair of his own open-toed shoes?
why are the variants starting to sound like new iphones 😭
i cant believe ashton kutcher made the apple computer and iphones. thank you ashton
I’m at a stage in my life where I know I should workout and eat healthy, but swallowing a tapeworm seems easier.
Actually, not all of the creatures from Jurassic Park were from the Jurassic period. Jeff Goldblum, for example. He’s from now.
whenever i trip a skinny girl running in only a sports bra i feel like i’m doing god’s work
is he actually funny or have you just not had sex in a while
Me- We are here for some new pants for you. Please go and find a pair that you like and will wear
11- Ok
Me- *Waiting*
11- *Searches entire clothing section, returns and hands me a hat
I miss the days of Agatha Christie when rich people only murdered each other.
My 3-year old daughter said “Daddy I love you” and when I was responding “thanks I love you too” she interrupted me to be like “also I love EVERYTHING.” I’m on the same level as an air fryer
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
His hearts in his throat
His lungs in his knee
His stomachs inside out
Frankenstein:*Rubs temples* Igor *sigh*its like ur not even trying
*cracking knuckles, sharpening ax, loading 12-gauge*
Alright, it’s time to recite some poetry
When buying a car, let the salesperson know you’ve done your research. What pedal does what, where the engine goes, etc.
Sid Miller out here wasting a week’s worth of drafts in the past hour.
Me: I think that’s Dave
Wife: It’s not Dave
Me: Gonna wave to him
Wife: Don’t!
Me: Hey Dave!
Auctioneer: New bidder at $80,000
Me: It’s not Dave
“Any new year’s resolutions?”
“No thank you”
The first 8 minutes of any plumber’s visit are spent apologizing for what we tried before we called him.
Fun experiment: Go into any store and ask for “the big stupid looking guy” see who they bring you
Psst, hey wake-up, why are there no Oreos in your pantry?
ME: Give up, man. She’s not coming back.
GROCERY CART: