Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Met a man named Drew like 3 days ago. We exchanged numbers. This morning I woke up in a group chat, started by his alleged wife, with 8 other women. It’s been comedy and chaos ever since 😂.

“Stressed” backwards is “desserts” so chill and have that cupcake.

10 is trying to negotiate a later bedtime and just told me he thinks we treat him unfairly because we make him “sleep too much” and I just wish someone would treat *me* that unfairly.

Weighing your giraffe: a guide:
1) Become VERY strong
2) Weigh yourself
3) Weigh yourself again, holding your giraffe
4) Subtract figure one from figure two

shotgunning a can of soup and crushing it against my forehead like a beer can

I want to see a movie about “Bottom Gun,” the worst pilots in the Navy.

I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed

Sick of dudes not calling you after sex? Do it with me. I’ll call you thirty times a day. Even if you change your number, I will find you.

If Wile E. Coyote really wanted to destroy the Road Runner, he should have just proposed.

Hey, we never talked in high school!

Let’s be Facebook friends so we can once again never talk!

JUST LIKE OLD TIMES!

If I die before I wake, I pray the lord has ice cream cake.

*goes to hell

Me: I hear there are special places
Satan: No, they’re all the same!
Me: (showing him a crisp $10 bill) How about now?

I hate putting down the toilet seat because I’m afraid of hurting it’s feelings

If someone asks if you’ve been crying just say, “why… do you want to watch?” and it will weird them out enough to leave you alone

The worst walk of shame is the one back onto the crowded elevator after getting out on the wrong floor.

Mispronouncing words is kind of my forty

One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.

priest: [hangs up the phone after talking to his boss for over an hour]”okay, that took a lot of convincing but i managed to talk him round.. yes, you can marry a penguin”
me: “omg he’ll be so pleased”
priest: “wait, did you just say he?”
me: “yes”
priest: [picks up phone again]

Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?

Me: *slams fist* only a super villain would ask that!

*walls fall over revealing secret lab*

Watching Unsolved Mysteries and getting mad when they don’t solve the mystery at the end

Him: I’m sorry, can we start over?

Me: great idea! You introduce yourself, and this time I’ll keep walking.

The Five Stages of Dinner:

1-optimism
2-denial
3-bargaining
4-chicken nuggets
5-dessert

Pains me to say it, but I have chapped lips.

On the phone:
Me – Do you have brown or beige gravy for Thanksgiving?
Mom – Brown, why?
Me – No reason.
(Pulls out brown shirt for preemptive spills)

*getting undressed in front of someone for the first time*
sorry i look like this, i honestly didn’t think i was ever gonna do this again

grocery shopping hungry is way more interesting than full, hungry me is down to eat anything and everything

[having sex]

me: *finishing first* I win again!

wife: you really don’t

If shame burned calories, I’d be back to my birth weight by now

I think you misunderstood–when I said, “Let me look into it” that meant, “I don’t know exactly how to tell you no just yet”