Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hi I’m making some changes in my life if you don’t hear from me you are one of them.

People talk about the environment like the Earth’s in danger. Don’t worry about Earth. Earth was a ball of magma once. Worry about us.

I’ve been leaving in 5 minutes for the past 3 hours.

He: “Darling, may I have potato pasta for dinner, please?”

She: “Gnocchi dokey.”

#PotatoDay #RubbishJokes

Everyone knows the correct use of a comma when it comes to your bank account statements.

When it comes to sex, I really need to have a connection.

Otherwise the page just keeps buffering and it takes FOREVER to load.

Lionel Richie: hello.

Adele: it’s me.

Lionel Richie: is it me you’re looking for?

Adele: I was wondering if after all these years you’d like to meet?

Lionel Richie: holy shit *covers phone* now what the hell do I say?

Years ago, my mate had his car broken into. Luckily they didn’t steal it and also didn’t take any of his CD’s. He has appalling taste in music and we told everyone they left him some CD’s out of pity..

I just realized that I forgot to scan the 2 packs of sparkling water at target on Sunday. Apparently this is how my life of crime begins.

Why did we stop at bread bowls? Make the whole kitchen out of bread, you cowards!

If she pulls back her hair in a ponytail without breaking eye contact you’re about to either have a good time or be murdered. Embrace the mystery, champ

her: my therapist keeps canceling appointments to go on vacation to who knows where

me: [under breath] whereapist

therapist: so, how are you feeling?

me: i’m feeling ok

therapist: great! let’s ruin that feeling by unearthing some childhood trauma

Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.

[Me at job interview]

And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?

*Orders something on Amazon because I need a box*

[Ouija board]

“Hey spirits, talk to us”

W H A T S U R F R I E N D S N A M E H E S C U T E

“fml”

ubereats: it will cost £3.50 extra to send this cheeseburger to your house
me: ye ye ye hurry up gimme

wikipedia: please donate to this website you find very useful or we will die
me: LMAOOOOOOOOOO

Girl i dated had an outside cat who really liked me & one day when i went out for a smoke there was a bird heart placed on the wall where i usually sat. Cat was scoping me to see if i liked my gift so i did that move where you pretend to eat it so she didnt think i was ungrateful

idc who house I’m at, i’m drying my hands on yo decoration towels

I see Atheists are fighting and killing each other again, over who doesn’t believe in any God the most. Oh, no..wait.. that never happens.

Before YouTube, people had to travel to music video shoots to argue about Hitler

Missing someone is tough but you move on eventually & I’m no longer allowed to chaperone field trips.

If I were in a mob movie, my role would be “the fishes”, so everyone would end up sleeping with me.

Any yard can be a graveyard if you put a body in it

If someone challenged me to a pie fight, I’d 100% choose the apple pie in the freezer.

I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”

I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship.

Hear me, oh spirits of earth, wind, and fire. I call upon you to unleash a boogie wonderland.

My friend was like, the flies are SO BAD this year. And I was like, the flies ain’t gettin’ nothin’ for Christmas.