Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“We’ve got to stop meeting like this,” I say to the neighbor’s cute golden retriever after climbing the fence to pet him.

Me: Where were you supposed to poop?

2-year-old: The potty.

Me: So why didn’t you?

2: I’m too busy.

Got in a fight with the wife so I didn’t let her sleep on the couch with me last night.

Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded? There was nothing left but de brie

Me: You’re supposed to be in bed. 11-year-old: I tried. Me: You tried? 11: It didn’t stick.

What I said: Brush your teeth!

What my 4yo heard: Chew on your toothbrush so I have to buy you a new one every week.

I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.

[painting a model in the nude]
model: r u gonna be naked the whole time

Kid: Dad, what does ironic mean?

Dad: Well son, when 2 people decide to get married on Independence Day…..

I can’t lose weight, that’s where all my fattitude is

ARTICLE: How, at the age of just 22 did this man…

ME: Is it rich parents?

ARTICLE: … Yeah.

Cashier at the liquor store wished me “Happy Holidays”…

As if I’m not going to be back three more times before Christmas.

What’s the name of that Tom Cruise movie where he runs around a lot?

My husband was just looking at me like I’m some kind of super hero and all I said was, “yes, we do have onion for the burgers.”.

If stranded in a lifeboat in the middle of the sea, rub 2 FB accounts together to generate enough thoughts & prayers to lift you to safety.

12: dad my friend wants to know if I can spend the ni-

me: YES what time can I drop you off? Now? Is now good?

I’m worried that I encouraged my kids to marry someone for their character and intellect and now I’m gonna end up with nerd grandkids.

Yesterday, myself, Miss 9 and husband were sat on a train in and around a man with a book entitled Surrounded by Idiots.

BOOK FACT: If you took every book in our store and laid them end to end you would be thrown out by security and banned from returning.

8yo: Geez Mom. Haven’t you ever heard of privacy?

Me: Not since you were born.

I haven’t waited this long for a result since I asked my wife to marry me.

Hot singles in your area are eating chili.

[trying to sleep]

Me: ok, just breathe and relax.

Brain: OR WE COULD TRY AND FIGURE OUT THE EXACT MOMENT ALL YOUR HOPES AND DREAMS DIED

“Have you tried divorcing and restarting your marriage?”

– IT Department as marriage counselors

The funniest thing about being sober is to realize you were so drunk last night you were tweeting all night with a calculator.

“I’m the world champion of hearing,” I lied to the girl at the bar. 20 minutes later the real world champion burst in and hit me in the jaw

[marriage counseling]

prince eric: i just feel like the communication is lacking

ariel [frantically gesturing at legs and mouth]: Mm hm HM hm hm MM

normal brain: “you’re now unsubscribed from our mailing list”

big brain: “please tell us why you’ve unsubscribed”

exploding brain: “type in the email address you’d like us to remove from our list”

galaxy brain: “please log in and visit your account settings to select which lis

My boyfriend is tall, strong, protective and flashes me regularly.

Oh no wait. I’m thinking of a lighthouse again.

Me: I think you should have a long bath tonight

Son: but we’ve only a got a regular-sized one

Me: I’ve never been prouder of you