@panmidwest

DR.: you’re going to feel a little bit of pressure. Ready?
ME: yes
DR.: your sister is younger but already has a career path & owns her home

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@TheToddWilliams

HER: I think we should break up

ME: But…why?

HER: I don’t know if it’s your terrible puns or the fact that you don’t “believe” in the color blue

ME {quietly to self}: Cyans fiction

HER: Or both

@EricDumbTweets

I don’t trust people who say “I married my best friend” because I don’t think dogs can truly consent to marriage.

@RCKruseKontrol

ME: *coughing* I’m sorry my voice is a little hoarse.

CHESS PLAYER: did.. did you just swallow my knight?

@Phreemann

[security patting down mouse]
“Any cheese on your person, sir?”
[waves another mouse over them like a metal detector wand]
“He’s clean.”

@mydmac

Just remember, we are all just 1 small prescription away from riding a unicorn.

@AmishPornStar1

Rumor has it, that if you look up from your phone you can see all kinds of pretty colors in the trees this time of year.

@KKAlThani

Next time you’re not feeling hungry, tell yourself you’re going on a diet in an hour & you’ll unleash the starving African child inside you.

@Browtweaten

EMT: *uses defibrillator* Okay we got him back

Dad: I was just resting my eyes