DR.: you’re going to feel a little bit of pressure. Ready?
ME: yes
DR.: your sister is younger but already has a career path & owns her home

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HER: I think we should break up

ME: But…why?

HER: I don’t know if it’s your terrible puns or the fact that you don’t “believe” in the color blue

ME {quietly to self}: Cyans fiction

HER: Or both


I don’t trust people who say “I married my best friend” because I don’t think dogs can truly consent to marriage.


ME: *coughing* I’m sorry my voice is a little hoarse.

CHESS PLAYER: did.. did you just swallow my knight?


[security patting down mouse]
“Any cheese on your person, sir?”
[waves another mouse over them like a metal detector wand]
“He’s clean.”


Just remember, we are all just 1 small prescription away from riding a unicorn.


Rumor has it, that if you look up from your phone you can see all kinds of pretty colors in the trees this time of year.


Next time you’re not feeling hungry, tell yourself you’re going on a diet in an hour & you’ll unleash the starving African child inside you.


EMT: *uses defibrillator* Okay we got him back

Dad: I was just resting my eyes