DR.: you’re going to feel a little bit of pressure. Ready?
ME: yes
DR.: your sister is younger but already has a career path & owns her home
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This white lady just whispered to her husband “there’s so many Asian people”… ma’m this is a flight to Japan
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
Before I drop a bag of clothes off at Goodwill, I like to take it for a ride in the back of my car for a good five or six months.
[Mugshot photographer]
Me: now lets do a silly one
Have to prepare for a work meeting so instead I cleaned my entire kitchen, hung up some paintings, varnished another, and organized my art supplies.
At some point you’ll think you have this parenting thing figured out. Then your child will ask you to take the cheese off of their macaroni.
If Planet Fitness didn’t want me eating a turkey leg on the stairmaster then they shouldn’t call it a “Judgment free” zone.
I bought a designer body bag and now I’m scared to gain weight.
I’m at my most daredevil when I sneak in the break room & steal all the good chocolate filled donuts..
[getting murdered]
Hang on, let me clear my browsing history
Inspirational Tweet:
Found the sock gone missing 7 weeks ago in today’s clean laundry.
Sometimes they come back, people. Keep the faith.
5yo: I want a snack.
M: You can have a yogurt smoothie.
5: I NEED CHOICES!
M: Ok. You can have a yogurt smoothie or you can have nothing.
[first day as Uber driver]
Me: any song requests?
Passenger: no thanks
Me: *tuning guitar* you sure?
*Walking with wife listening to Dust In The Wind*
Me: This is our song.
*A dude walks by listening to it*
Me: That’s OUR song! GIVE IT BACK!
Don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day. I repeat, don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day.
me: [being beaten w/ nightstick] are u a virgo
cop: GET ON THE GROUND
me: that’s such a virgo thing to say
Shouting “Shotgun” will get you the front seat of a car or a heap of cash if you whisper it to a cashier.
unless you’re dead wearing a sheet you got no business ghosting ppl.
No one loses an argument when they’re carrying a chain saw.
Husband uses any old plate for family members.
Also husband uses the best plate for the cat.
BOSS: I’m sorry I just don’t trust your judgment.
ME: [trying to pick up glass of water with both fists wedged in Pringles tubes] explain..
Reasons why it’s bad that Justin Bieber is retiring:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
Lamaze instructor: What are you doing in here? You certainly aren’t pregnant.
Him: Doesn’t this class teach breathing to enhance relaxation & decrease pain?
Well I have teenagers.Instructor: Welcome to class.
My little old fish didn’t move around in her bowl all day. i thought she was dead but it turns out she was just going through minnow pause.
Me: Do I get naked now or at the end? I’ve never done this before and I’m really nervous.
Priest: For the love of god, just kiss the bride.
Rosetta Stone says they’ll have me speaking another language in a month. Babbel says one week. But this bourbon only takes, like, an hour.
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
Showed my mom a pic of a guy I thought was hot and she said he looked just like my dad when he was young and now Christmas is ruined
guys are so hard to buy for
like what do they like besides other girl’s pictures??
Me: *successfully puts out fire* Did I pass?
Cooking instructor: No.