Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My PS5 died, I guess I need to make friends now.

I dropped a LOT of acid in the 70s. It was sulfuric acid. I worked for a chemist you see…well a few chemists. I kept getting fired for dro

A good thing to say to someone who is overindulging at a Chinese restaurant is “hey buddy, it’s called dim sum, not dim all.”

I don’t have a swimmer’s body. I have more of a drowning to death body. #Olympics

I retweeted my boss to let her know that I know she’s tweeting during the meeting.

All I did was tell my boss that, according to legend, I double in size when there’s a full moon… and I was sacked for growth myth conduct.

A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.

this is not ok. they turnt him into ice crims 💔💔

I never had the birds and the bees talk growing up…I just had Chris Isaak’s Wicked Game music video with Helena Christensen and I was like yes please

[dentist]

receptionist: with copay that will be $15

me: here’s the teeth y’all pulled, just put it under a pillow and it should be taken care of

Stranger: nice to meet you

Me: give it time

Whatever your age, I think you should try to learn something new every day. Today I learned that 50 year old men shouldn’t run for trains. Discovering that ambulance beds are surprisingly comfortable was merely a bonus lesson.

I spend 99% of my drunk time chasing my cat around trying to give him a hug.

Praying that Donald Trump is really just Ashton Kutcher performing his most elaborate prank yet.

3: Daddy, please don’t do that joke anymore.

Me: Which one, buddy?

3: Any of them.

I had two naps today but every time I wake up I’m still at work.

My husband had a coworker who entered his baby in the local fair’s baby competition a while ago and I think they just make up superlatives for all of the babies because his won “sturdiest baby”

When I see a dog tied up outside a store I immediately assume it’s been there for years & set it free.

Cop:Do you know why I pulled you over Miss?

Me:[takes a quick suck off helium balloon] No officer why?

Cop:Lol, nevermind

It’s very 2024 because I was just so impressed with how thick that store’s checkout bags are. I was like, “Such nice bags. Oh wow. So sturdy! Usually plastic bags are like tissue paper thin. These, now THESE bags are some serious bags. They can HOLD stuff. These are for me? Wow”

Medusa’s hair is made of snakes. Does the carpet match the drapes?

DM from random dude: “Show me your bobs.”

Me: sends pics of my last 7 haircuts.

Him: Can you forgive me?

*mental montage of me trying to figure out who this guy is*

Me: Yes, but I’m really hurt so please give me time.

People who pretend they don’t know me when they see me in public are the real heroes

I have a coworker with the same first name as me, and my boss is always talking about sending him on trips or assigning him projects, and it makes me anxious even though I know he’s not talking about me.

I bet Beyoncé doesn’t have this problem.

Me: I really like her. What should I do?

Friend: Give her the time of day.

[Later]

Her: Hey.

Me: It’s 2 PM.

Me : It’s over & nothing you say will make me change my mind

Him : ‘I just ordered a large thin crust’

Me : Be there in 10 min

[First day as a superhero]
Oh hell yeah!
*sees a crime happening*
Already? Ok…
*the bad guy looks really mean*
Umm, I’ll get the next one