[Dracula before he got braces]
:F
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mission: save the cat
obstacles: the cat
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*Loses job, girlfriend leaves me, disowned by parents, 1 Like*
I’m just over here waiting for my 1st Richard pic.
Cop: we found this dead cat stuffed in the the photocopier
Detective: OMG, another victim of the copy cat killer
An empty box at the top of the stairs, the cat, an inevitable union.
They must have had a really good laugh when doctors realized that thermometers could be taken orally too.
customer: your darkest roast please
barista: it looks like helen keller tried to cut your hair with a knife and fork
I take a prop microphone wherever I go. If a reporter sticks a mic in my face during a tragedy, I can pull out my own and return the favor.
My husband and I are at a point in our lives where we don’t care about the strange noise coming from downstairs if it means we have to get out of bed.
I asked the wife what she wanted for her birthday and all she said was ‘after all this time you know what I like, surprise me’.
Anyone know how to go about the harvesting and storing of souls?
How dude HOW?!
[looking at photo album]
Me: Here’s the story of how daddy met mommy
Son: Why is your hair spiky…
Daughter: …and long in the back?
Ok hear me out ….A smoke detector that turns off when you scream “I’m only cooking “
“can you explain this gap in your resume?” oh, yeah, that’s when i was trapped inside of a supernatural jungle-based board game
*presses wheelchair accessible button*
*rolls 5 year old in on dolly restrained like Hannibal Lector*
“We’re here for a haircut.”
Got kicked out of the gang for taking instant photos of the homies and calling them brolaroids
Trying out a new chicken fried steak recipe tonight because I think it’s important for my kids to learn to reject lots of different kinds of foods.
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: i get everyone fired
ex professor: what wait no
If someone says they just love the smell of books, I always want to pull them aside and be like, to be clear, do you know how reading works
She knows her part so well!
I’m the only person breathing through my nose at this Walmart
I think my leftovers are old enough to throw themselves away.
Who called it an undertaker and not a host mortem?
Some things in life are inevitable. Birth. Death. My husband storing everything he owns in a massive pile next to his side of the bed.
Babies are 60% water, I can walk on babies, therefore I am 60% jesus
Alcohol won’t solve my problems, but neither will milk or orange juice.
Me before kids: How could anyone NOT want to play with their kids? 🥺
Me two kids later: Oh.
Only shaving the parts of my legs where the holes in my jeans show skin isn’t lazy, it’s efficient
yall want some gasoline milk
The cool thing about having young kids is that they will straight up tell you which parent they love more without anyone even asking.