[Dracula before he got braces]
:F
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My manipulation started when I was young and I realized I could pretend to be asleep and someone would carry me to my bed.
when someone corrects my pronunciation of a word, my brain immediately snaps to how many polite people just nodded and let me sound dumb before
Not to brag about my wealth but a well-known billionaire has recently been begging me for “5, 10…even 25 dollars”.
I can’t wait for the day when we can place specific blame in the fine print of pharmaceutical ads like CARL YOU’RE THE REASON WE CAN’T USE THIS WHEN WE’RE DRIVING THE BULLDOZER
(Disney Dating Tips)
1.Kidnap Dad
2.Coerce Daughter
3.Awkward music-filled dates
4.Angry mob danger
5.Stockholm Syndrome
-Beauty & the Beast
I’m writing Spider Ma’am, about a middle aged woman who gets bitten by a radioactive spider but keeps it to herself because she doesn’t freaking need this.
Sometimes I lie and tell my husband I spent $300 at Costco so he’ll stop talking to me.
364 days a year: Kids, don’t take candy or rides from strangers.
1 day a year: Go trick or treat in that rich neighborhood. Take an Über.
Seat cushions are the original stool softeners
Imposter syndrome: I am surrounded by beings of impossible, cosmic intelligence
Also imposter syndrome: I, an incompetent, have tricked them all
me to my student: go get your mom
my student, not moving: MMMMMAAAAAMMMMAAAAAAA!!!
Twitter should disable deleting tweets and add a regret button instead.
We’re all searching for that magical connection & mine came in the form of a chicken wing.
Kill it with fire!
*douses it in hot sauce*
I TRADED MY ALARM CLOCK FOR A KOALA SO I CAN SLEEP UNTIL HE STARTS BEGGING FOR LEAVES WHICH’S LIKE 3 DAYS
2018 guy: girls wear so much makeup lol
1018 guy: I can’t even tell who i’m married to because everyone’s face is covered in dirt
Angry drunks make no sense to me, I can only get upset when I’m not drinking.
WIFE: Do we have any orange juice?
ME: I don’t think so
WIFE: Well do we have any orange juice concentrate?
ME: I AM CONCENTRATING!
someone told me LA is shitty heaven and NY is fun hell and it makes me chuckle every time I think about it
I’m tired of pretending that people know what a first cousin once removed is.
Hypnotist: you’re feeling very sleepy
Parents: omg yes
[after a vasectomy] do i get the cone
Hey, cooking directions on the sides of packages: Nobody knows the wattage of their microwave.
*pulls up to window*
Me: *on phone* Ok, so you want a chocolate shake also? Ok, I’ll get two then. *phone rings while its at my ear*
My husband never answers the phone when I need him!
When I need him: Middle of the afternoon, on a Tuesday, while he is at work, and there is not one but TWO wasps flying around the kitchen tormenting me.
SEND HELP!
I thought 2020 was just going to be a bunch of bad eyesight jokes but no it’s much worse
Me: Come on eat that.
Miss 10: I don’t want it, it makes me want to throw up.
[Sees my face].
10: In a good way.
Them: for a million dollars would you-
Me: I’m gonna stop you right there because you probably don’t want to know what I’m willing to do for a million dollars
The field sobriety test was going ok until I grabbed two traffic cones and did a Madonna impersonation.