[Dracula before he got braces]
:F
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Finally I have an excuse for getting fat, heard on radio about girl who been eating in her sleep … That’s it, I’ve got that !
Interviewer: How would you say the Queen’s response…
Prince William: Definitely not racistly!
There is no such thing as an antique car. An antique car is a horse.
listen, Geppetto made a marionette to replace his dead son, so technically Pinocchio is “mourning wood.”
plant them where lol
People need to stop posting denigrating photo memes of animals; they have dignity and deserve respect. Oh that’s Rick Santorum? Ok carry on.
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
I jammed the laundry room door and now I can’t get in there and WHY DIDN’T I THINK OF DOING THIS SOONER?!
I love it when someone texts “come on, your a smart girl” in a condescending manner and totally misses the irony of it. I am smart, but you’re* not.
I’m already putting money away for the my future child’s therapy because I know they’ll be emotionally scarred from having their friends always comment on how hot their mom is
imagine being a tree. just imagine it. imagine the good times (wind gently blowing your leaves); imagine the tough times (wind roughly blowing your leaves). imagine the ok, so-so times (there’s no wind)
I’m glad we’re finally banning plastic straws. It’s about time we started caring about camels and their fragile backs
The goldfish was a little sick so I dripped some steroids in her bowl and now everything is hunky dory.
Stewardess, the door just blew off the plane. Can I get a blanket?
I started a funeral business with self-driving hearses, but they keep crashing into other cars.
Business is booming.
Me *pointing gun* give me all your money
Bank teller: um that’s a water pistol
Me *aiming at her mouth* I’ve filled it with La Croix
Bank teller: you want it in 20s or
Ladies, if he’s
– always giving you one-word responses
– unsupportive when you’re visibly upset
– coming over unannounced in the middle of the night
– faintly tapping at your chamber doorHe’s not your man. He’s the Raven, nothing more.
[job interview]
“And why do you want to be a fireman?”
So I can fire people.
“That’s not what a-”
*clenching fists* You’re gonna be first.
My coworker just proudly announced that he doesn’t believe in Santa Claus because he an athiest. Uh, sure bro, but also how about because you’re 34?
I just want the confidence of my grandpa in church taking a call from the pharmacy on speaker phone to confirm his Viagra prescription.
It’s weird that on this date in Back to the Future they didn’t show people incessantly posting about Back to the Future.
I got no respect for anyone who has ever uttered the phrase “don’t fill up on bread!’ when they are at a restaurant. Like, buddy I been filling up on bread my whole life, you think I’m going to stop when we are at the place that is giving the shit away for free?!
The most romantic way to propose is to put the ring in their dessert and when they bite it and break their tooth you yell “surprise, babe, you’re gonna be my wife and I have DENTAL COVERAGE”
Canada is the 6th most peaceful country in the world in 2018. Canadians wondering who we gotta fight to get closer to #1.
How to sleep:
1. Lay down
2. Dim lights
3. Dwell about literally every mistake you’ve made in your life for 6 hours
4. Rest for 9 minutes
wife: What do you want for dinner?
me: What do you want me to want?
They agreed upon ‘almond milk’ when the original name – flavoured nut water – was rejected by test audiences, for whatever reason…
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my care
As the mother of two kids under 5, I’m always playing a game I call “Is this normal, or is my child a sociopath?”
I never try to make guests feel at home. If they wanted to feel at home, they should have stayed there.