[Dracula before he got braces]
:F
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Therapist: It’s been 8 years since the death of your parents. How are you coping?
Bruce Wayne: I dress as a bat and beat up strangers now.
[doing group photography]
ME: now let me take one without the flash
THE FLASH: what the-
REST OF JUSTICE LEAGUE: wait let’s hear him out
interviewer: what’s your greatest strength
me: you tell me
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: delegating?
me: that’s right
Important new ad I stuck up in town today. Experts only, please.
The car’s navigation system warned me of a pothole and then asked if it was still there. Not only is it still there, it has friends.
Parents, talk to your kids about drugs. Teach them organic chemistry. Obtain a research grant. Put big pharma out of business together
The safest place to hide junk food from your kids is inside a dirty clothes hamper right in their room.
gf: that guy hit on me, make him pay
me: [to guy] u need to buy our drinks
Me: I have Schrödinger like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
Me: Yes and No.
Of course I’m not going to use my cat’s real name. Lord knows what all these internet perverts would do with that information.
*wakes up screaming*
Wife: What happened??
Me: I had a dream that I’m jogging and a leopard wearing clown makeup with wings just flew out of a cave and attacked me.
Wife: Silly that’s impossible.
Me: The flying leopard part?
Wife: No, the part about you jogging.
“Clean up after yourselves. Your mother doesn’t live here!” I holler at my kids, completely forgetting several key details.
Aight bet
Who dies surrounded by friends. Hey Mike come over I’m dying
I’ve watched this 17,467 times
Buddhist monks often spend decades searching for nirvana but that’s only because they don’t know how to block someone.
It’s Mother’s Day Eve so remember to leave out a bottle of wine for Mom when she comes down the chimney.
Customer: I can’t see. How many sugar and fiber are in this bar?
Me: 7 sugar 5 fiber
C: That’s not very healthy… Just the smokes then.
How to tell if your wife is mad at you
1. She is
If you hold a gift card close enough to your ear you can hear the person who bought it saying, “this’ll do”
[1st date]
HER: I love the idea of marriage. What are your thoughts on it?
ME: [trying to impress her] I have 6 wives
So can we start calling them Traylor now?
I hate when I’m in a restaurant bathroom, and I run out of toilet paper. Like my dinner guests are gonna be scared of HALF a mummy costume
Are my affairs in order? What, like chronologically or alphabetically or largest to smallest? Because then still no.
My wife calls me a busy beaver ‘cause every time I sit on the toilet I build a damn.
Then suddenly you’re a mom declaring ownership over swept dirt on the kitchen floor yelling DON’T YOU DARE WALK THROUGH MY DIRT PILE
me: my boss is working me to the bone
my dog: hell yeah
This made me smile to an unreasonable degree 😂
I’d joined kids karate to crush them; I hadn’t thought of their strength in numbers. They were piling on like Gremlins. This was happening.
They suggested I elevate my feet and so, I was wondering if your shoulders were available.