[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: 😮 hampire
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The rain is starting to worry me. I’m afraid that because I have a beard that my friends will expect me to build an ark.
I’ve been watching far to many episodes of Extreme Homes. I want one made of containers, w/solar panels,heated floors, recessed lighting, indoor pool w waterfall/swim up bar, and windows to the ocean & garden on my roof. Floating.
a robber breaking into my house and putting two left shoes on my feet so when I wake up to chase after him I just run in a circle
Me: I’d like to adopt that baby.
Clerk: Sir, that’s a family sized
platter of Super Nachos.
doctor: we had to remove your appendix
JRR Tolkien: but that’s where I explain why elves hate dwarves
Me: We shouldn’t give in to the commercialism of Christmas. In fact, we should celebrate it this year without giving each other gifts.
Husband: You missed the window for something to arrive by Christmas Eve, didn’t you?
ALIEN: maybe we can teach this planet the secrets of the universe
*sees me trying to get pringles from the middle of the can*
ALIEN: or not
Poor character written by an author who has experienced poverty: My problem is that I’m $300 short on the rent and now my car is making a noise
Poor character written by a rich author: My problem is that I feel so inferior beside these beautiful, sophisticated rich people
Good morning & happy hump day! Today is also “National Red Wine Day” 🤣🤣🤣
Instead of saying I agree 100%, I like to say I agree 80%, just to leave myself a little wiggle room in case your theory turns out retarded.
I never realized just how much of parenting is surreptitiously throwing away artwork.
According to my iPhone 6, I could commit a heinous crime, without using gloves, and have a different fingerprint just minutes later
Pre-diction: Baby’s first words will be garbled.
*the fog lifts*
*the fog eats a high protein-low fat diet*
*the fog does cardio*
*the fog is fit af*
Would the person who has been writing my horoscope please lighten up.
ME: sorry, I’m just in a really dark place right now
COAL MINER: who the hell are you
You want me to go to the bathroom? The thing that killed Elvis?
“How much to hire a church singing group?”
“You mean a choir?”
“Fine, how much to acquire a church singing group?”
ME: honey, it’s really muggy out today
WIFE: if I go outside & all our mugs are on the front lawn, I’m leaving u
ME: *sips coffee from bowl*
I don’t understand wanting a pet and then getting fish. All you can do is look at them. A fish tank is basically a boring TV show that you have to feed.
I like to hike with a bag of pork chops. That way if I run into a bear, I won’t die hungry
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
[biologists find beached whale]
its a new species
what can we call it?
[surfer walks by] yo killer whale bro
[biologists look at each other]
If you hate the word moist, try replacing it with muggy.
For example: Her panties were muggy af.
My mom asked what my office does for faxing since we’re completely remote, so I had to tell her we’re actually located in 2024
[sees hot girl in bar]
me: [takes wedding ring off] so… do you come here often?
her: give me back my ring
She’s only nine, but my daughter sings Adele like she’s already been through countless devastating break-ups
accidentally put my phone in airplane mode and my front door blew off
I accidently invited people to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.