[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: 😮 hampire
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A warehouse is just a regular house that was bitten by a wolf under the full moon.
Went on a family scooter ride. 4y/o asked to be carried the entire 3 mile experience.
Return home from the ride. 4 says “It’s so nice out! We should go for a walk!”
Toddlers don’t GAF.
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: THERE’S WRAPPING PAPER EVERYWHERE
DOG 911: for you to tear up and eat?
DOG: NO THEY’RE THROWING IT ALL AWAY
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Only 10 more days til Halloween!
Someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “lasagna”
FACEBOOK: yo remember ur ex from 2 years ago? look at this photo of u together
ME: facebook no
FACEBOOK: k heres ur dog who died 5 years ago
I have unrealistic expectations of my anti aging cream
Home Alone 2 is crazy because how the hell do you lose your kid twice
All these years you thought your grandma had Alzheimers, and turns out she just didn’t want to talk to you.
I just got the emailed receipt from her shopping trip and It’s taking forever for my wife to get home and “catch” me doing the dishes
box: meow
schrodinger: ignore that
How to determine what party to vote for:
1) Calculate income
2) Divide by number of dependents
3) Subtract age
4) Download Game of War
My husband walked out the door, smiled & said, “Have a good day!” like he doesn’t even realize he’s leaving me home with his children.
M. Night Shyamalan showed me his new screenplay where the coronavirus turns out to be Bruce Willis this whole time.
Women are like passwords. You enter your digits incorrectly a few times and they’ll lock you out.
Why doesn’t Popeye’s serve spinach?
[hiking]
ME: I’m so tired
MOUNTAIN: please sit on my face
Sleep when the baby sleeps, eat when the baby eats, edit your manuscript when the baby edits their manuscript
Please, keep trying unsuccessfully to suck the snot back up in your nose instead of using a tissue. Everyone loves the noise you’re making.
I feel like whoever named it a “magic marker” was really overselling their product expectation-wise.
You say illegal, I say added to my bucket list.
If I were a Greek philosopher, my name would be Mediocrites.
🙌🏻😂😂😭🤣
[god inventing cupcakes]
God: they’re basically cakes but way smaller
Angel: ah I see, portion contr-
God: and then you just eat like 90 of em
Have no idea why I consider this *so* hilarious. But I do. 🤣🤣🤣
5-year-old: Why do you do chores if you don’t like to?
Me: The same reason you eat your vegetables.
5: Because Mom is scary?
Bingo.
ME: this is Inky my pet octopus, Stompy my elephant and Mr Butters my horse
FRIEND: the horse isn’t Hoofy or something?
ME: grow up Kalvin
This is from an actual conversation 🤣🤣
Scientist: We don’t really know exactly how that happens. They’re performing electron microscopy, PCR, & tissue cultures to figure it out
Random person: Did you try searching the internet?
I know things ordinary people don’t know because ordinary people don’t talk to squirrels.