[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: 😮 hampire
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I like to leave myself sexy love notes in my lunches and act all surprised and giddy like “WHAAAAAT—-NOT AGAIN!” and then proceed to read the note out loud as my co-workers look on in envy.
Walked into the donut shop in my ski mask and the cashier started to empty the register into a bag, I had to stop her and tell her I just wanted all the donuts.
I was going to give up coffee for Lent, but then I remembered I’m not Catholic.
*me, as an uber driver*
oh dang, the gps is saying the fastest route is through this burger king drive through lane
My daughter has so many outfit changes I shoulda named her Lady Gaga.
The Magician told me to “Pick a card!! Any card!!”
So I took his Visa
My friend is gay, and that’s his boyfriend, he’s gay too…
The corner of this table hurt me and made me cry, so now we’re dating
My black pants had more cat hair on them after they came out of the dryer. Guess I should check the dryer for cats before I start it.
I just learned that Howler monkeys urinate on their hands and feet to find their way back home, and yet it still sounds more comfortable and effective than Apple maps
Hugging helps break the tension with strangers in elevators.
There’s a reason the iPhone autocorrects “Yolo” to “tool.”
Hey weekend,
I love you more than you know!
I know I don’t deserve you, but trust me if you stay, I will spend all my procrastination on you to keep lying in my bed.
Love,
Your unconditional lover
This is going to be my year.
WebMD: paranoid schizophrenia
“You killed a dude
I hate your attitude
That’s why you’re going to jail,
Without bail
25 to life
Bubba is your new wife.”-Poetic Justice
THE 3 PEOPLE IN EVERY CHIPOTLE LINE:
– guy ordering for his whole office who takes forever
– white lady who’s never been there before and doesn’t like spicy food. ends up getting a bowl of white rice and chicken
– guy who leans over sneeze-guard and is shouty about his order
Who, you ask, turns the AC on during a polar vortex? Sociopaths, fascist dictators, my boyfriend.
My boss on Zoom: “Joe you been quiet today. Do you want to say anything?”
Me: “Betty White passed away so she could come back as Rihanna’s baby”
My boss: “Gang that’s my fault I should know better”
girl at restaurant: “Are you Tony Hawk?” me: “Yes.” her: “Why?” I had no idea how to answer.
SHOUTS OUT TO UTERUSES, THE ORIGINAL 3-D PRINTERS
[varnishing an old rocker]
keith richards: what the hell man
Just finished a series of paintings of mass murderers. A friend wants to put them on display but I think hanging’s too good for them.
“I drive like lightening.” “You drive fast?” “No. I hit trees.”
who’s your fav Disney Princess? Mine is the Italian chef who made an entire candlelit meal for two stray dogs and then serenaded them until they kissed
Remember those kids that used no tear shampoo? Well, they never learned to cry and now they’re all sociopaths. Nice going L’Oréal
I’d tell you to go to hell but I work there and I don’t want to see you everyday.
Sarah Palin’s new Christmas book is her attempt at valuing the sanctity Christmas so she can sell books and make money just like baby Jesus.
Microwaving fish is an office faux pas. I roast mine over an open flame in the bathroom
Michael Cera, in a public restroom, pinned to the opposite wall by the force of the hand-dryer.