[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: ohhhhh, hampire
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Date: I can’t believe you never saw titantic
Me: To be fair, it did sink before I was born
[wheel of fortune]
me: id like to buy a vowel
pat: arent u a millenial
me: [sigh] id like to rent a vowel
Why call it a staple remover and not an upper left corner of the page mangler?
Wife: “I’m tired of you endlessly misquoting Arnold Schwarzenegger films. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “You’ll be back.”
I was always told that women can’t have it all but I just ate two everything babies.
{On Tinder}
ADAM: *Swipes right*
EVE: *Swipes left*
GOD [clears throat and presses intercom]: Eve can i have a word with you please
This scene was so out of pocket looking back 😭 ☠️
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.
-Me with beer, me without beer
Did you ever think about ten years ago you’d be saying.. “I really hope this is a chick I’m talking to”.
Industrial strength nuclear powered leaf blowers make relocating your neighbors a snap. Just power it up and watch them roll away like human tumbleweeds.
OMG I forgot to read my horoscope and now I have no idea what life has in store for me today!!!!!!
him: it’s nice that you wear your heart on your sleeve
me: that’s ketchup
video game drill sergeant: alright you worthless puke! try using your WASD keys to walk around the room!
me: [walks around the room]
video game drill sergeant: that is out-standing! you’re one of the finest soldiers ive ever laid my eyes on!
ME: [putting a condom on]
HER: it doesn’t go on me
I’m rubber. You’re glue.
I don’t conduct low voltage electricity. You’re great for arts & crafts.
Me: I have a new water bottle! I’m gonna get my 64 Oz a day now, bay-bee!
Also me: ᴀʟʟ ᴏꜰ ᴍʏ ʟɪꜰᴇ ɪꜱ ᴘᴇᴇ
Remember that time when you didn’t call, & a giraffe round house kicked your neck, & you fell off a merry-go-round & died?
So sad. Really.
Welcome to your 40’s. Your body now involuntarily makes haunted house sound effects.
This is the worst carnival ever. I can’t believe they blocked the street off for this.
Sir, this is a crime scene.
Me: *puts six steaks on the grill*
Wife: Don’t you think that’s too much? It’s just us and the kids.
Me: Wait, you guys are eating, too?
The Eighth Law of Libraries: the likelihood of an item being on the shelf where it belongs is inversely proportional to the physical distance the patron traveled to come get it without calling ahead first.
lapland disappeared when finland got up from a chair
Sidebar:
If a whack job is an artist, does that make them a whackadoodle?
Yes.
At a wedding during the vows, the little flower girl yells out “When is this over?”
She gets it..
God: “MOSES. THIS IS THE LORD. I HAVE NEWS FOR YOUR PEOPLE.”
Moses: “New burning bush. Who dis?”
*secretly fills your birthday piñata with hornets*
I opened my front door and saw a coyote in the yard and said “Oh, sorry” and closed the door like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
It must be very traumatic for my wife to be at work knowing I’m home alone getting bread crumbs on the kitchen counter.
Let’s pray for her.
“Are you left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I am just doing it for show.
While not illegal, it is generally frowned upon to follow behind someone and play your travel harmonica synced to their footsteps.