[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: ohhhhh, hampire
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Me: Don’t text him if he’s ignoring you.
Also me: *sends him 67 messages*
A tattoo artist wants to practice doing chrome tattoos so I’m letting her give me a chrome tattoo for free tomorrow. I’m sure it will be fine
No wonder chickens can’t fly
STOP EATING THEIR WINGS
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*Loses job, girlfriend leaves me, disowned by parents, 1 Like*
Parents out there naming their kids things like, Montana and Carolina and Dakota, but you never see anyone with the balls to name their kid, Idaho.
IT’S NOT A PHASE, DAD
Will I. Am’s headstone will read “Will I. Was,” completing history’s longest set-up to a punchline
I almost slept through the whole thing
*best day ever*
How are the neighbors supposed to free load off your WiFi if the signal barely makes it to the living room.
A gritty reboot of basketball where we find out all the players’ moms were murdered by circles and that’s why they throw rocks at one.
[in bed]
HER: I want you to do something naughty
ME: ok *spoils Infinity War ending before she’s seen it*
I wanted to get this and my friend said “what, like sarcastically?” and wow burn
everyone freaking out thinking the robot apocalypse is coming bc the google AI is sentient and it’s like okay? just add it to the apocalypse pile who cares
Cop: I clocked you going 90 in a 45. What’s the rush?
Me: [embarrassed to admit I’m just really excited to watch the new season of The Great British Baking Show on Netflix] I HAVE A GENERAL DISREGARD FOR THE LAW PIG MAN
Well there goes my Wednesday night.
Imagine the trouble she has trying to introduce herself in France.
Have you heard about these cats getting plastic surgery to look like kittens?
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
Me: I have the body of a pro wrestler.
Her: OMG I love The Rock.
Me: Oh, totes, but what are your feelings on sumo?
Me: What’s the capital of Ohio?
Son: …
Me: It’s also a famous explorer.
Son: Dora?
Me: Yep. Dora, Ohio.
When people come into my office and complain, I’ve started gently pushing things off my desk while maintaining eye contact. You’d be amazed at how much shorter the conversations are.
12: Alexa is so annoying! I have to say everything 5 times before she does what I want her to do.
Me, looking at the full garbage that I asked my son to take out 4 times: I know the feeling.
Groot is a tree but he doesn’t have roots. They should just call him G.
Absolutely delighted that our new Baggage Handling facilities are cutting waiting times.
My son just demanded to be changed into different pajamas for breakfast.
Thanks, royal baby.
Applied for a “meditation class” but missed out the first T on the enrolment form, so now I’m studying to be a marriage guidance counsellor.
Typos are dangerous, you guys.
Stop wasting ur 20s complaining about how it’s hard to make friends and start screaming “oh my god I love your bag” from across the street
Let’s legalize all drugs so Americans finally learn the metric system.
Ugh don’t you hate it when you accidentally leave the volume up on your phone & the next stall hears the *click* when you snapchat your turd
Once, when I was drunk, I threw a fan out of my bedroom window because it wouldn’t turn on.
Guess I should of plugged it in first to see why.