[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: ohhhhh, hampire
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Me: “I love you.”
4: “Thanks. I love Batman.”
If you play a game with your wife where you pick one person you’d be allowed to sleep with choose a celebrity and not “Liz from Accounting.”
“What’s up, doc?” says Bugs Bunny. “Not you,” laughs the doctor. “Take these little blue pills.”
*Looney Tunes music plays*
I wasn’t craving chocolate bunnies until I opened the twitter. Thanks guys, now I have to go buy Easter candy before it’s on sale.
Stop naming your dogs Bella.
We are full.
What they don’t tell you about bathing in the blood of your enemies is your body hair is a light magenta for like the next 3 or 4 days. Ugh.
Yesterday, I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
[Infomercial for Parachutes]
“Has this ever happened to you?” *showing footage of a man getting thrown off a building, screaming*
if I had a girlfriend I’d cook a giant scallion pancake in the shape of a poncho just to keep her warm
The International Space Station was assembled IN SPACE.
I can’t follow one page of illustrated instructions to assemble an IKEA dresser.
I will never think of rock paper scissors the same way again.
My printer: Sorry, can’t print this out – I’m very low on magenta ink
Me: But I’m literally printing black text – there’s no red in it
My printer: Feed me magenta or you get nothing
I threw a dart at a map to pick a vacation spot and shattered the hell out of my phone screen.
Husband: You’re ruining my life
Me: Does this mean I still have to make dinner?
MAGICIAN: can you pass me my top hat?
MAGICIAN’S ASSISTANT: what’s the magic word?
MAGICIAN: *sigh* can you abracadabra pass me my top hat?
Me: My Amazon order arrived!
Him: What did you get?
Me: *scratches behind dragon’s ears* Nothing important.
Him: New happy pills?
Me: Maybe.
When I sing in the shower the water turns cold
Q: Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake?
A: Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom!
#HappyBirthdayBob
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 10 years
Me: idk Where do you see YOURSELF in 10 years
Interviewer: i don’t wanna say it’s embarrassing lol
Me: come on what if we say it at the same time
Interviewer: ok deal
Me: ok, 3..2..1
In sync: making furniture for hamsters
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
Laser hair removal? If I had laser hair I’d be using it for evil, believe me.
I accidentally went to Homesense today and accidentallier bought Christmas decorations
I hate it when I speak French to the homeless guy saying I don’t understand English and he replies in French so I have to give him money.
If evolution isn’t real, then why are my hands the perfect size and shape for carrying Starbucks cups?
i’m kinda confused by all the hbo max tweets. i thought we agreed to be poor together
I wonder how smart I’d be if my brain were as good at remembering anything as it is at remembering every humiliating thing I’ve ever done
I never delete my text messages…just in case a MF’er wants to lie about what they did April 25 1992
A News Reporter just described someone as “Healthy as a Bus”.
Yeah….I don’t know either.
Leo: They say the best revenge is living well, when in fact the best revenge is living IN a well and poisoning your enemy’s water supply with your foul presence.
“There’s no reason to be on Twitter anymore.”
*Every other site goes down*
“Guess who’s back…back again.”