[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: ohhhhh, hampire
You Might Also Like
Me: Hiding in my pantry from a murderer
Also me: Opens a bag chips in pantry gets murdered
ME: (meeting the devil) I love your eggs.
Beastie Boys: What’s the time? It’s time to get ill!
Audience: *simultaneously eats a bunch of raw hamburger*
B Boys: not like that
Me: hey boy, wanna go back to my place and *hand jerking motion*
Him: oh yeah
[my place]
Me: *slams cup down on the table* YAHTZEE!!!
‘I never thought leopards would eat MY face,’ sobs woman who voted for the Leopards Eating People’s Faces Party.
I’ve reached a tipping point in life where my interest in baked goods is greater than my interest in men and I’m calling this new chapter doughs before bros
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
Settle down lifeguard, I can swim, it’s just not pretty to watch.
me: so where do you go to school
new babysitter: It’s private
me: oh *whispering* I won’t tell anyone
I cross my legs because I’m a lady and classy and I really need to pee.
How is it that I, a young, single, man with a good job and his own apartment, cannot find a swordsman skilled enough to grant me a warrior’s death?
The gross is always greener on the outside
I say as I look at the 4yo who just sneezed
*meets man next door*
That’ll be easy to remember. We have the same first name
*meets neighbour’s wife*
Is our name tattooed anywhere on your body?
Bury me next to a kangaroo skeleton and put boxing gloves on me.
If there’s one think I’ve learned from twitter it’s to never be near an American and a wood chipper
Been given the task of creating the perfect fish pun and, friends, the struggle is eel
Never trust a man wearing more than 0 necklaces
you grow up— lose your baby teeth learn to ride a bike graduate college get a few bad haircuts and the next thing you know you’re planning how to make someone’s death look like an accident
“But, Daddy, I don’t want to shower, because after I’m done with the shower, and before I dry off, I’m really soaked…”
– My kid, coping with the realization that water is wet.
I’m sorry…
…but Cujo did NOT go to heaven.
The right response to “I’m a bit tied up at the moment” isn’t “what are you wearing?”
Apparently.
My son asked me how diarrhea fits into God’s plan for us and I don’t think we’re going back to church anymore.
me: hey have you seen the dog bowl?
him: no but I did see him play checkers
Me: I hope I get a good night’s sleep.
My dog at 1 AM: Hey I just did a huge diarrhea on the carpet.
17 yo didn’t do chores last night. I delete all songs on iPod and replace them with the theme song to Scooby Doo. Enjoy the bus to school.
Haha I love my wife. I just told her to calm down and now she’s in the backyard digging a 6 feet long hole to calm herself down. What a woman!
The Harry Potter series is such bullshit. Like we’re supposed to believe a boy with an invisibility cloak ever left the girl’s locker room.
He’s taking you for granted? Act differently. Do something spontaneous. Spice things up. Sleep with his friend.
my gf bought a table, a doily, and then a much smaller table and a much smaller doily