[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: 😮 hampire
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Me: I love eating nerds
Boy: (brings me Nerds candy)
Me: no, not that kind.
Dating: OMG, his fingers just brushed against mine and I instantly have butterflies in my stomach.
Married: I swear, if even your stupid finger crosses onto my side of the bed at any point tonight, I’m going to break it.
plant them where lol
Raise the roof!
The roof is on fire!
Hit the club!
Bust those moves!
Burning the dance floor!– RL partying sounds so violent
“i’m going to give them a piece of my mind” no you should hang onto those you’re running out
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: please break this treat into much smaller pieces
That scene in Home Alone where they count their kids but this time there’s one extra, so they sacrifice him
Big Sex has us all fooled
Do assassins for hire offer holiday discounts? Comparison shopping seems a bit risky.
I don’t think mall Santas should be allowed to have fake beards. Like come on Man, you’ve got one job!
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
Robot bartender rips me in half after listening to my problems for over an hour.
I wonder how many of these NSA agents have a crush on me.
“I’d like a nice stiff entendre please.”
– Want me to make it a double?
“I’ll just take it as it comes.”
I’m just a guy standing in a Starbucks line, thinking I could’ve milked a cow and grown my own coffee beans faster than this shit.
ME: I wish I had antlers
GENIE: You’d look pretty weird being the only one w/ antlers
M: Fine, I wish everyone had antlers
G: Oka-
M: But my antlers are demonstrably superior
G: You know you can wish for non-antler things
M: *Sees my awful neighbor Carl* I wish his antlers sucked
Travis Kelce is living the dream of every unknown comedian rn. Having hordes of people share your old tweets and being like, “this guy is hilarious”
Saw a friend I haven’t seen in over 20 years tonight. She asked if I had any pics of my kids. You don’t realize how many pics of Harry Styles, Louis Tomlinson & dogs you have until someone is hovering over you. The scrolling I had to do to get to pics of my real children. 🤦🏼♀️
Personal trainer: And how much weight are you looking to lose?
Me: *googling weight limit for bouncy castles* Hold on…
Guys, you don’t have to be a priest to shoot a baby with a water pistol. Literally anyone can do it.
The hardest part about going through a divorce is finding a hitman you can trust.
*parachutes into your family BBQ*
I noticed you haven’t retweeted me in a while, but I see you had time to make POTATO SALAD…
Why is it called a corn maze, when we could just call it a maize?
My group chat full of childhood friends was blown away by the realization that one member reads the newspaper at 7am then doesn’t look at the news for the rest of the day, and the rest of us are seething with jealousy.
PILOT: if you look out the window you’ll see we’re cruising at 35,000 feet
[i look out the window]
[THE SKY IS FULL OF FEET JESUS CHRIST]
Nope. Not gonna follow anyone whose name is upside down. I got enough problems.
My January credit card bill, aka the Ghost of Christmas Past.
[marriage counsellor looking at me after my wife is done speaking] why do you want to be on the masked singer so badly?
You know you’re a writer when you have file names like “final_draft_V15_updated_edited_this_sucks_going_to_rewrite_this_garbage_i_need_a_drink.doc”
I’m always behind the person at McDonald’s who acts like they’ve never seen the menu in their life