Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I want to believe in hope as much as someone who thinks that somebody might buy their old used shoes on Craigslist for $20.

me, waiting for the doctor on the exam table

Based on a tumblr post by fartgallery!

I hate when my husband brings home the cheap, sandpaper-ish toilet paper and then I realize I’m super unmarried and I only have myself to blame for this

Hard as they try, cats are absolutely not helpful when making beds.

The average human walks 900 miles per year and drinks 22 gallons of coffee.

This means that the average human gets 41 miles per gallon.

“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” yeah because I won’t be leaving my bed

My daughter telling me not to worry because she got her own allowance from my purse did not have the effect she intended

Sorry I brought an air horn to your colonoscopy.

Girls will be like, “You don’t mind if I put something of yours in my mouth, do you?”

And then they eat all your fries.

I came across 3 snakes while mowing the yard today, but those of you in North America already know that because you heard me scream

Grocery store

Me: reach something for me?

Tall guy: sure thing!

Me: I have an itch right under my left shoulder blade.

[answers phone during job interview]
What’s the address here? The Pizza Hut guy can’t find me.

“There, there,” I say, resting her head on my shoulder

Surgeon: Sir, we’re going to need that back if we want any hope for reattachment!

I never understand women. One minute they love guys who play the guitar, one minute they are chasing me out of the women’s restroom.

girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda

me: ok

her dad: *opens door* hello

me: hello sir, or should I say *finger guns* soda

The ad said “these dresses get compliments” like I’m some kinda compliment w#@r*.

Anyway, I’m gonna have a look at those dresses

One normal thing I like to do on my my lunch breaks is go on Zillow with my 20 million dollar budget and my f***ing delusions

F.Y.I. You pee on a jellyfish sting not a jelly stain.

Again my apologies to the lady at the IHOP this morning.

If they’re right about the Mayan calendar and the world ends next week, I’m cool with that because the people whom I love know I love them.

Also, it means I don’t have to fix up this freaking house any more

Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed

Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.

If the number 666 is considered evil, then technically, 25.8069758 is the root of all evil.

Who called it Scientology and not Cruise control?

I have half a mind to…

Ope. Stupid autocorrect. Please ignore the “to…”

Times I’ve gone out to the garbage since she threw away a fur pillow: 2

Times I’ve leapt back thinking an animal was in the garbage: 2

Job interviewer: In the beginning, you’ll be earning $20 000, later on that can increase to $40 000. Me: OK, I’ll come again later then.

Pro tip: if you want to get away with one word replies in work emails, just change the signature in your desktop email to ‘Sent from my phone’

Back in biblical times they had omelette takeaway restaurants. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.

My wife gave me her Christmas list. I said, “isn’t my undying love & affection enough?”

We laughed and laughed. Now I’m at the purse store