DRACULA: [bites me]
ME: Oh shit, am I vampire now?
DRACULA: Yes.
ME: Forever?
DRACULA: No, we’re only creating limited-term adjunct vampires due to budget cuts.
ME: Oh okay. Any chance it becomes permanen—
DRACULA: No. Now get in this coffin you share with 20 other vampires.
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Where do mathematicians go when they die?
The symmetry
The best part about sex is the roundhouse kicks.
*On a 1st date*
Me: Psst, you can hold my hand if it gets too scary for you 😉
Them: We’re having a picnic
Me: *suspiciously glaring at a nearby squirrel* I said what I said
oh u like me? name 5 meds i take
[car in front of me stops to turn, forcing me to slow down slightly]
ME: I hate you
When a shoelace touches your ankle
*spraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaays Axe body spray*
~ guys with ponytails
Me: One last time for old times’ sake?
Broken washer: No.
My dog and I have the same schedule:
6 AM: Wake up
7 AM: Eat breakfast
8 AM: Use the bathroom on our neighbor’s lawn
9 AM: Play
10 AM: Nap
I don’t know why a dingo would steal a baby when you can steal cool stuff like rollerblades.
*phone rings*
Wife: “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me (a dad): “Hello. Yes my wife is here. Hey, Not In. It’s for you.”
Wife: “….”
12
The number of times you can use the word moist while ordering pizza before they refuse to send the delivery guy to your house
How selfish am I? Circus peanuts and black licorice are my favorite candies just so I never have to share.
U can give out anything on Halloween it doesn’t have to be candy last year I gave a kid my cable bill it was awesome he paid it & everything
Got one kid down for a nap, and another woke up. It was like whack a mole nap style.
*gets abducted by aliens*
*immediately asks aliens if they’re familiar with the benefits of essential oils*
*gets returned by aliens*
me: do we have anything for a headache
wife: try the cupboard
me: won’t that get stuck in my throat
King: Good Knight, how fared thy journey?
Knight: ‘Twas long and hard
King: ‘Tis what she proclaimed.
Both: *fist bump*-Medieval Brahs
When you pick your nose after dusting the house
“Just gonna take a little off the top” I whisper, scooping all the icing from your cake with my fork.
Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you’re donating blood
My wife took me to the most amazing 3D movie I had ever seen last night. Half way through it I realized: we were at a play.
I just met my daughter’s friend’s mom for the first time and she introduced herself by saying, “Hi, I’m Olivia’s mom, you’ve probably heard me yelling in the background of their Zoom calls.”
Well well well…if it isn’t the clothes I left in dryer last Sunday.
OMG, just found my childhood diary! I was an adorable and strangely prescient little boy.
Imagine falling for someone then finding out they drink their coffee one spoonful at a time like soup.
I put the hot in psychotic.
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
me: wanna do something fun?
her: already have plans
me: *watching her wax her legs and pluck her eyebrows* our idea of fun is very different