Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

We need a “your body is changing” talk for people turning 40.

Christmas cards are like, here’s a hard copy of the Facebook picture I posted a week ago.

I decided to tell the kids that Santa is made up but nighttime home invasions are very very real.

I’m going to write a great tweet even if it kills me
The wife: write two in case you survive the 1st

me: what are you going to be when you grow up?

5: beautiful.

If I start learning from my mistakes how will anyone recognize me ?

You know who the real winner is today? The guy who sells “I voted” stickers.

journalist: is it true that youre attracted to inanimate objects?

me: [lips on mic] that is a false allegation [lips get closer to mic]

To the guy who turned the entire first floor of his house into a giant ball pit – I will find you, and I will marry you

The most disappointing sentence in the human language is “This next song is off of our new album”.

And bowling should be called pinball

ME (having a disagreement with a friend): I’d like to speak to your manager

Sephora employee: “you have 70000 points, you can choose from any of these things”

What are WE?
WRITERS!!!

What are WE gonna do?
WRITE!!!

When are WE gonna do it?
Ooh look a (Instagram, Twitter, Pinterest, YouTube) notification. Probably later!

Son, I’ve made some questionable decisions in life & I must go away for awhile to face the consequences.

How I tell my 5yo I’m off to poop

I took a personality test and hoo-boy I do not appreciate some of the things it is saying about me.

I just found a Macklemore CD in a Thrift Shop and the Universe imploded.

i too will be having a baby outside of dave grohl’s marriage. you don’t see me making it a whole thing

ME: check out this cordless trimmer

BARBER: stop calling me that.

[second date]

“April Fools”

*gets up and leaves

I swear, even my ex lasted longer than my phone battery does.

“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”

– Diet ads for Cannibals

All these Email scams must make it hard for Legitimate Nigerian Royalty to share large sums of cash with strangers!

Not to victim-blame, but maybe Bruce Wayne’s father shouldn’t have brought his wife and 8 yr old son to a place called Crime Alley.

How did girls text before emojis?

Hey I can’t wait to see you tonight! PARTY HAT MARTINI GLASS NOISEMAKER BEER MUG CAT DOG SUNGLASSES POOP

Good thing “you only live once” has really caught on otherwise we might all kill ourselves like it’s no big deal

If I could give parents one advice it would be to never tell your kids about your good hiding spot. Take that to the grave.

#MayweathervMcgregor.
Right now, Danny Ocean is robbing the Bellagio.

She has a weimerhi…wimerrihym….wimmerhie…
She has a big gray dog.

*daughter reading
*son playing ipod
*dog sleeping
*house quiet
*I go take a dump
FISTFIGHT BREAKS OUT, DOG’S ON FIRE