Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[inventor of teapot]

“I want this water to scream”

I just wrote a $1500 check for a cow, like some kind of 1930s housewife.

[Antiques Roadshow]
When this was first painted, the wolves were much further in the background. I would sell it before they reach the frame

My almost 3yo drew me a picture and when he gave it to me, I must not have reacted fast enough because he said, “say ‘awwww’ mama.”

Me: this meeting could’ve been an email.

Also me: (gets an email) Goddammit.

I found $100 in my pocket this morning and almost quit my job

Me: [at the gym] arm or leg day?

Octopus: [crying] I’m not sure

This girl from my hometown just named her baby Brogan and everyone just let it happen

“Wow! Go show your mommy!” -what I say to any child talking to me for more than 11 seconds.

[in the driveway]

It’s not sporty, but it looks efficient. How many miles per gallon do you get in this bad boy?

Pizza delivery boy (getting out of his Prius): …wuh?

*walks around revolving door for 3 hours while staring down at phone*

ME: [holding door for wife]

WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?

I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.

My life coach refuses to tell me which motivational quote will protect me from corona virus 😡

I never go where I’m not wanted, unless you’re serving cake. If you’re serving cake I’ll be there either way.

Remembering the year my son sent me a Mother’s Day card saying ‘you’re like a mother to me.’

FIANCÉ: where should we go on our honeymoon
ME (after hearing there’s a charizard hidden at mt rushmore): how do you feel about south dakota

New Tinder profile.

Not sure video Instagram is a good idea. I’ve never looked at a picture of someone’s dinner and thought, “If only I could hear this.”

Hey girl, do you like bad boys? *tries to look cool by flicking my cig, but it’s an e-cig so I have to run and get it*

Red Bull gives you wings.

Sugar Daddy gives you things.

I’m at this weird place in my life right now where I’m being chased by police helicopters

me: an artist’s work is never truly appreciated until after their death.

subway sandwich artist: please, sir, i have a family.

Why do they call it the good book and not the almighty wrighty?

I keep hearing “Just be yourself” from everyone. I didn’t realize so many people want me to go to prison 🙁

Even though it’s a quarantine you still need to shave your legs or deal with stubble and snagging your sheets.

I don’t share cheese on the first date.

My 2yo said she is a grown up. I told her she isn’t, that she is a toddler. She replied, “No, I’m a grown up. I’m going to touch knives.”

Husband: How’s your diet going?

Me: *scraping cheese off his burger wrapper with my teeth* Fine.

5-year-old: Why is there a baseball bat under your bed?

Me: In case there’s a burglar.

5:

Me:

5: Why do burglars like to play baseball?