Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My doctor says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body helps prevent cellulite.

Apparently, you can’t do it in Starbucks.

And now the cops are here…..

If you’re offended by anything on my TL, whatever you do, do not look at the rest of the internet.

{Thomas Edison prank call}

Is your refrigerator running?
“Yes..”
YOU’RE WELCOME!
*click*

Lional Richie let the world know that he played no active role in raising babies or toddlers when he released the song, “Easy Like Sunday morning.”

When I call back Domino’s a second time to let them know it’s been over an hour and my pizza still hasn’t been delivered.

Afraid to fly? It’s perfectly safe except that air traffic controllers are all gov’t employees forced to work the holidays.
Merry Xmas.

Small blessings, like when the mirror fogs up and you can’t see yourself when you get out of the shower, naked.

Some dude told me he’s had 100 times more girls than me which made me laugh so much because 100 x 0 is still 0.

I joined Twitter to have something to do while I waited for the repairman. It’s only been 3 years, he should be here any month now.

Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an optometrist
M: oh like a glass half full thing
D: no like eyes
M: why do u have a glass half full of eyes

The longer you’re a parent the harder it is to act excited when people tell you they’re pregnant.

Her: You had a whole bottle of wine and a full bag of jalapeño popper cheese curls??
Me: It’s self-care, so that makes it healthy.

since there are no other vulcans on the enterprise and the crew has no comparison Spock could be and probably is bullshitting them most of the time

REALTOR: what size home are you looking for?

OLD LADY WHO LIVED IN A SHOE: 11 , 11 1/2

Fun game: Order food to be delivered to your mobile home and then lead the delivery driver on a high-speed chase through town.

Her: You sure love to beat people over the head with your vocabulary, don’t you?

Me: I think the word you’re looking for is “bludgeon.”

I’m wearing nike pants so you have to just do it…

It’s about time you stopped being a bystander and became a passerby.

waiter: do you have any questions about the menu

me: yes what’s the name of this font used for the meats

KID: Mr. Owl, how many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?

ENDANGERED NORTHERN SPOTTED OWL: You cannot possibly think this is a priority for me.

Just shared my screen in a business meeting, and realised that my desktop was showing a google search for “where did Scrooge McDuck get his money?”

please don’t celebrate april fools’ day if you’re not a fool ❤️ my culture is not your costume

Matthew McConaughey in Dazed & Confused: He gets older, the girls stay the same age

Matthew McConaughey in Interstellar: he stays the same age, his girl gets older

The range on this guy!

*pounding on Sunday’s still chest*
STAY WITH ME GODDAMMIT STAY WITH ME

i will avenge u mr van gogh

I have half a mind to…

Ope. Stupid autocorrect. Please ignore the “to…”

I ordered a $9.00 salad on a food delivery app. That’s $57.00 I’ll never see again.

I’m a married white male; my forefathers saw to it that I’m not allowed to be offended by anything.

Wife thinks I was present for every conversation she’s had with anyone, ever, and assumes I know what the hell she’s talking about right now