Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My doctor told me “good luck” and gave me finger guns so obviously I’m dying

If you live alone and you have pets they don’t know your name

Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!

1yo: *walking*

Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!

6yo: *riding two-wheeler*

Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!

16yo: *pouring milk into cereal without spilling*

*pokes sex life with a stick

doctor: get ready to say “aaah”

me: why are we on the roof

In 2020, five African grey parrots at a wildlife park in Lincolnshire had to be separated after they were found to be encouraging one another to swear. The park’s CEO commented, “We are quite used to parrots swearing… but for some reason these five relish it.”

[Cowardly Lion starts texting his ex]
WIZARD OF OZ: Ok wow, I gave you WAY too much courage.

Pro tip: Get two photos that are ten years apart and label your before photo as your after and your after photo as your before.

I talk a lot of shit for a girl with a blankie.

Friend: I got an audition for the play that cannot be named

Me: *Nodding* Fight Club

cop: you have one phone call

me: [dials 911] get me outta here

Gonna end every insult with “but in a good way”

My daughter told me she wants to be a secret agent. Based on that alone, I don’t think she’d be a good secret agent.

I’m gonna make a photo editing type program that makes you look like a Hobbit and call it Frodoshop.

Haunted Houses this year are just gonna have the news on.

I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.

The last time I had sex, there was a dinosaur in the cave with us.

My kids just locked themselves in my bedroom to “have a party,” which involves wearing my clothes and eating goldfish crackers in secret. I’m not mad, just offended that I wasn’t invited.

The only reason we have different time zones is because if everyone was sleeping at the same time, the aliens would make off with our stuff

If The Bachelor was realistic they’d ask each other where they want to go out to eat and then never make a decision.

Shoutout to all the ‘Hi’s in my message requests. I admire your imagination

[chameleon conference]
Boss: Is… everyone here?
*crickets*
Boss: I know Keith is. He brought the yummy crickets. Thx
Keith: You’re welcome

Prayers for my husband who texted back “k” when I said “Happy Anniversary, hoping for 25 more years!”

How do people get their drivers to murder someone? Mine sulks if I ask him to fetch groceries.

Me: haha should I get out and push

Everyone on The Submarine: YES

The French word for sex is croissant.

Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Attack while they’re distracted.

[First day working in forensics]

Boss: I need you to dust for prints.

Me: Doesn’t Prince have his own cleaner. And didn’t he die 4 years ago?

Boss: No, you moron. Dust for fingerprints.

Me: Oh right, yeah. My bad.

Boss: Then I need you to vacuum for Sting.

Me: Wait, what?!

One time i saw a man eat a whole apple, core and everything. Motherboard and power supply too. The man ate a computer it was horrifying

I’m fat, so when I get mad, I get massive aggressive.