Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

According to WebMD, I either have the Ebola virus or I just sat on my car keys :/

“Did he just do that by himself?” 🛹 🐈 😎

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Friggin’ narcs ruin everything

Me:*pulls out salad for lunch
Coworker: *pulls out 6 boxes of girl scout cookies & nods at me
Me: *tosses salad in fridge
CW: Let’s do this.

Your fiancé gets kidnapped in a foreign country. You stay out till 2 am searching w authorities but eventually you have to call it and return to your hotel. Do you still do your skincare routine y/n

Whenever I feel overwhelmed, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide for three days in a cave

pinnochio trying to win a 40 yard dash by lying as fast as he can at the end

As per my previous tablet…

if you jumped out of a plane would you rather have a parachute or the knowledge of how to make a parachute? most people would say parachute. and that’s why most people never start a successful business

My kid: mumma today we met our teacher’s teacher. Our grand-teacher.

Good Cop: just give us one name, and we can protect you

Passive Agressive Email Cop: Thank you in advance

Them: ‘It’s a long story.’

Me: ‘How does it end?’

My circle of trust is a meatball

LUKE: daddy, what’s my name from?

ME: it’s from the bible

CHEWBACCA: and mine?

ME: umm [sweating] also the bible

[sees that Abraham Lincoln is trending]

Please be alive, please be alive, please be alive, please be alive

so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys people get very upset

If your wife says “what would you do without me?”
“Live happily ever after” is NOT the correct answer.

Brrrr it’s cold in this doghouse 🙁

being a grandma is the perfect cover for being a serial killer. no other type of person can comfortably explain 12 envelopes containing curls of human hair tied together with ribbons

If you ever think you see Dean Koontz, start chanting koontz-koontz-koontz over and over so if it isn’t him it’ll just look like you’re really into techno and public humiliation.

*at a restaurant, eating burgers*

Me: “I don’t take condiments well.”

Friend: “Don’t you mean compliments?”

Me: *already covered head-to-toe in ketchup*

What idiot called them ‘Ex-fiancées’ and not ‘Near-Mrs’ ?

if someone asks me if I need help finding something in a department store I like to slowly describe a gun

OMG I’M SO OLD AND OUT OF TOUCH WITH POP MUSIC WHAT SONG DOES BREXIT SING

Who needs expensive lip plumpers when your toddler can hit you in the face with a toy train for free?

Buying new glasses this week, so a whole bunch of you are about to get a whole lot uglier.

“Just so you know, you’re coming home with me tonight.” I whisper to all the leftover food on the table from our dinner date.

very rough morning. my male cat tried to mate with my female cat and bc they aren’t married I had to explain why they’re both going to hell

A horse walks into a bar. The batman asks “why the long…” “wait a minute, did you see that typo?” interrupts the horse.

Overheard the most hilarious conversation on my morning commute, then realized it was just me talking to myself in my car.

I need a vacation.

I walked into a pub with my wife..

The Bartender asked: Would you like a drink for your wife?

I said That sounds like a fair swap