Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

first person to peel a carrot: this needs to be slightly smaller

Twitter is the social media version of Grease. Ya know, 40 year old people acting like they’re still in high school.

when my wife is giving birth then the baby pops out and steals the hotdog i’m eating

I would have become a Hare Krishna
if only I had the chants.

Dear parents of college students on Spring Break, Congrats!!! Many of you are about to be grandparents!!!

My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills

thanks for your constructive criticism! i hated it and will be telling my mom about this

Supposed to leave for vacation in 5 minutes. Somehow, the clothes I need to pack that I threw in the washer an hour ago, aren’t ready.

This lady just licked her finger and wiped her daughters face…

<–Hands her some Listerine and gets in line to be cleaned

I didn’t know my apartment shared a wall with the elevator shaft until someone got off in my bedroom.

Friend: Wanna go out and watch the game? We can get some food maybe.

Me: You had me at “get drunk.”

Friend: I didn’t say that.

Me: It’s a no from me.

deleting dating apps because i want to meet someone the old fashioned way (riding an unsinkable luxury ship right into an iceberg)

Siri, fight Alexa.

Im tired of being politically correct. If I want to wish someone a Happy Honda Days, I’m gonna do it. I don’t care what they drive, that’s their problem

My wife and I divided up the important talks we’ll have with our daughters.

She’ll handle puberty, sex, and college.

I’ll handle zombies.

showing a photo of a healthy guy to my doctor like i’d show the barber a picture of a haircut

Designer: How big should the gap between the car’s front seat and center console be?

Boss: Big enough for your phone to fall through.

Designer: And also big enough for your hand to retrieve it?

Boss: haha oh goodness no

You have CrossFit, I bathe 3 children in one evening.

🤔😂😂

*opens camera app on phone*
*35 cats scurry under the couch*

no thank you I was a very bad child I don’t even like lollipops thank you again

The evolution of the NYT cooking newsletter

I bet Jesus got tired of hearing, “This gift is for Christmas AND your birthday.”

Sorry I couldn’t come. I was on the way, but then I realised I’d forgotten my earphones, so I had to go back home and put my Chritsmas tree up.

Priest: what do you think is the biggest thing keeping you from heaven right now?
Me: death, probably

Barry Cryer’s “Half an orange” bit always stuck with me. I just appreciate the absurdity and “non-joke” of it.

Reports are indicating that Ivanka Trump may take on some roles of the First Lady. Still no word on who will handle the duties of President.

Me: My bed is so warm and cosy. I never want to leave.

Bladder: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

what is hip hop teaching our children? i caught my son listening to action bronson and now he’s in the kitchen making a prosciutto wrapped turkey roulade with pomegranate-port reduction

ME: I’ve fallen for you.

JIU JITSU INSTRUCTOR: you’re terrible at this.