Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I love showering with my husband. There’s nothing more intimate during sex than discussing water temperature.

Back in the day, with $2 bucks you could go to the store and walk out with a bunch of Doritos, and beer. Now they have security cameras.

me: do you know what sarcasm is?

daughter: no I do not, please enlighten me, father

me: ok, well it mea-*squints eyes* wait a minute…

[Rumpelstiltskin comes to take first born son]

“Give me what you promised unless you can guess my name”

Here

“Aren’t you going to guess?”

If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would pick alive almost every time that way they can split the check

I’m invincible. I can not be Vinced

Whether you rip off a bandaid quickly or slowly, I find it’s best to ask the wearer’s permission first.

Jesus: I can never tell if people are addressing me or taking my name in vain

Mary: Jesus stop complaining

Change is always hard….

Especially when a jar of it falls on your head.

[changes out of pajama pants with pockets to pajama pants without pockets]

Bedtime.

Sorry you heard me going through your medicine cabinet. I was trying to be quiet.

I’m constantly amazed that only 26 letters in the alphabet can produce so much bullshit.

before puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the shower’

after puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the oven’

Wife: I’m going to the store. Need anything?

Me: Get some uhhh [can’t remember the name Aquafresh] Neapolitan toothpaste

I wonder if sometimes when a serial killer is digging a new hole in his backyard he ever runs into an old project and thinks wistfully, “oh yeah… that guy.”

CNN: The alien invasion has begun

British person: I’ll put the kettle on

[pulled over by cop]

COP: evening folks. this is a random doug test. can I see some ID?

MY FRIEND DOUG IN THE BACK SEAT: [starts sweating]

whenever god closes a door he opens a window because he’s taking a pretty nasty shit in there.

Blood is thicker than water. Maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.

Him: hey see you around

Me, a flat earther: *eyes narrow* yeah see you ahead

If a performance is exceptionally bad, I throw potatoes. They’ll remember next time.

(wine tasting)

WOW THIS ONE TASTES LIKE WINE TOO. I’M LIKE 5 FOR 5 NOW. KEEP ‘EM COMIN’!

I’ve stopped drinking for good. I only drink for evil now.

Excuse me officer, I have diplomatic immunity.
*Shows International House of Pancakes loyalty card*

Reaction from my kids after explaining how sex works:

“You’ve done this THREE TIMES?”

Passengers always complaint about airport prices, but where else can you get a burger for only £5?

*Gets left on read for hours*

Me: “I’m never talking to them again”

Them: *Finally replies*

Me:

dating is scary, what if I put myself out there and I fall in love with someone who’s family plays charades at holiday gatherings

The name Sir Mix-a-lot sounds like he would be better at baking than rapping