Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Kissing: first base
Under shirt stuff: second base
Under pants stuff: third base
Taking two to make a thing go right: Rob Bass

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The Chosen Phew

Shout-out to my embarrassingly squeaky ass bed frame that makes me sound more popular than I actually am to my neighbors.

Me: I ran into Aryan, who works at the airport
Dad: who?
Me: I ran into that guy who works at that place
Dad: oh Aryan

me: if the prince truly loved cinderella he would remember her face. he just had a foot fetish and great resources.

guy: where is our regular priest

If you’ve ever wondered what it’s like to try to dress a jelly fish, here, try to get pants on my toddler

If you breakdance you buy dance.

[loud fighting downstairs]

Me: What’s this about?

10-year-old: Nothing.

Me: You have to be fighting over something.

10: We really don’t.

The government be like “please throw your grandma into an active volcano, the economy demands a sacrifice”

Inside of you are 2 wolves.
One eats a grammy and the other gets domesticated.

I hope my friends don’t notice that I’m taking the guest bath shower head home with me.

LADY AT COSTUME PARTY: ooh, I love Garfield!

ME (in a lovingly hand-tailored Hobbes costume): *starts weeping* haha yeah i hate mondays

Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I moved the laundry to the dryer yet.

Me: Okay… Time for bed.

Brain: Cool.

Me:

Brain:

Me:

Brain: If you had a pterodactyl, would you name him Terry… or Perry??

Pretty proud of myself. I made copies of all the blank white printer paper at work. Doubled our supply for free. Can’t wait to tell my boss.

[playing pictionary]

Her: A circle..a ring…a diamond ring…a diamond engagement ring…OMG YES I’LL MARRY YOU!

Him: Its a door knocker.

My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face.

Superman: Look, Lois! Up in the sky! It’s a bird! *squints* It’s a plane… *puts on glasses* Oh, it’s a plane.
Lois: CLARK?!?

If you ever get chased by a pack of taxidermists…

Never, ever, play dead.

“Welcome to daycare. Here’s your eye infection.”

Missing area man described as boringly conventional, was easily found by multiplying height x width.

The kids are upset we’re having chicken and peas for dinner which means our dog is very happy we’re having chicken and peas for dinner.

I’m so glad this hat comes with instructions

Based on a survey of yard signs in my neighborhood, it appears “Drive Like Your Kids Live Here” has a slight lead over both the Democratic and Republican candidates.

Dumbledore: the mirror of erised shows your deepest desires.

Harry: *tearing up* i’m with my mom

Snape: omg same

Reading is a gateway drug to being less stupid.

After checking my credit report, the realtor showed me a vast array of tents and fancy cardboard boxes in the woods.

Me *chatting up another mom at the playground*: What an adorable name for a boy!
Her: Thanks. We named him after our favorite water bottle company