Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What am I gonna do with a river?

Could you cry me a beer?

Chickens are proof that God loves us by creating a tasty bird that can barely fly.

So funny how “go to sleep” and “do parkour” sound exactly the same to kids.

*Lips to mike
Mike: Do I know you?

diet tip: eat all your meals in front of a industrial fan

A black James Bond? Wouldn’t work. He’d be pulled over every 15 minutes for driving an Aston Martin.

*walks into a restaurant*

Waiter: Sir, I have Stewed Liver, Boiled Tongue & Frog’s Legs.

Me: Enough bout your problems. Get the Menu Card

Boy, are you a destination wedding? Cuz I can’t come.

Interviewer: When were you most satisfied at your last job?

Me: After lunch, next question.

I finally shaved my legs.

Do I contact Locks of Love or do they contact me?

I’m sorry I said yes when you asked if I’m a people person, I thought you said pizza.

As my mate Simon once said, there should be a German word for “there should be a German word for”.

My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.

Husband: You have a chip on your shoulder.

Me: You know that’s untrue because I would have already eaten it.

A tornado can get rough quickly, so it’s important to agree on a safe word before having sex with a tornado.

Thanks for pointing out that I misspelled a word that I completely made up.

I stand incorrected.

What I said: please stop letting flies in.

What my kids heard: go in and out the door every 23 seconds and don’t close it behind you.

“what do your tattoos mean?” that I can’t be trusted with $200

A fun thing you can do when making a larger purchase like a TV or refrigerator is to ask if it’s snake proof, and immediately follow it up with “the fact that you’re hesitating is concerning to me”

At the pediatrician’s office:
Me: I know every word to every song I have ever heard.
Receptionist: Great, but I asked for your son’s birthday.
Me: ……

nobody:
ppl with clear cases:

Science can’t explain why your bathroom is at least 9x further away from your bedroom at 1am

I called my 2yo handsome today and he proceeded to stare at his hands for the next 5 minutes.

[boarding plane]
ME: Shotgun!
COPILOT: Can he do that?
PILOT: Looks like you’re in economy today, Ted.
COPILOT: *clenching fists* Damnit.

Meteorologists are always good looking because we won’t stand for being lied to by ugly people

MoviePass 6 months ago: See as many movies as you want! Go crazy! Watch 3 at once!

MoviePass now: you can watch half a movie once every lunar year. You have to clean the theater afterward. If you don’t get the ticket stub tattooed on your face we’ll send the FBI to your house.

ME: I guess you could say I’m your stolemate now lol

MY KIDNAPPER: Get out!

I’m not afraid of the Bermuda triangle or any triangle really. Even played at its most aggressive it’s just not a threatening instrument.

I had 13 items in the 12 items or less line, so I just put a banana in my pocket.

Struck by her beauty, Issac Newton leans in for a kiss. He receives an equal, but opposite, reaction.