Dracula had it right, sleep all day, live alone in a castle & explode into a thousand bats to get out of social situations.
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Voted most likely to power walk into a volcano
Beer before liquor never been sicker. Taco Bell before wine no 69
My friend: I was waiting here and all was normal and then suddenly all hell broke loose
Me:
Me: So, you’ve been waiting at this bus stop since 2019?
One way to tell if a man is good in bed is to watch him dance. Another good way is to have sex with him.
Hotel clerk: Sir, how many room keys would you like?
Me: 37
[Catching wife in the bedroom with my best friend]
Wife: PUT ME DOWN YOU IDIOTS
Looking forward to Keanu Reeves making improvements to his home in the upcoming
Matrix: Renovations
me [drunk| *eats all the Cheetos*
also me [drunk] Who ate all the Cheetos?
What happens in Vegas shows up on your credit card statement the following month.
Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don’t notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.
The word “Caesar” has always bothered me. It looks like a and e are mad at each other.
Gotta love the Dead Kennedys
FRIEND: What’s your type?
ME: In guys or in blood?
me whenever anyone asks about my job: yeah i absolutely love hospitality! every day you get the chance to make someone’s day and it’s incredibly rewarding 🙂
me 0.5 seconds into a shift: they should invent a slur for customers
Shift the power at family gatherings by telling older relatives you didn’t recognize them because they’ve gotten so big.
Monsters, Inc. 3:
It’s harder to make kids laugh
The Internet has made them jaded
The monster need help
They teach the kids to smoke pot
If you’re riding a bike in New York City it means you care about your health …. Riding one here in Tennessee it means you got a DUI.
me: do dragons eat treasure? why do they want it
google: we’re doing this again?
Bouncer: Your friends can go in but not you, you go home
Me: Perfect, say it just like that when I turn up later
Should we be concerned about where Home Depot keeps getting these 12 foot skeletons?
There’s a tiktok ad I keep seeing that’s like “STOP SPENDING $200 ON SUNGLASSES.” Ok done. Easiest task I’ve ever been given
Me: Ok, just need a shovel and some toilet paper.
Them: Going camping?
Me: Nope
*waits for someone to have sex with me so I can use the ‘sex with me is like’ joke format*
I hope this is the year my teen learns how to turn off a light when she leaves a room.
JUDGE: i sentence you to life in prison
MY LAWYER WHO IS A HOUSE FLY: nice that’s only like 11 days
THIS HEADLINE
shampoo bottle: Contains No Parabens!
me (has no idea what that is or means): good.
real
ME: Hi I’d like to apply for a job as a contortionist
“When can you come in for an interview?”
ME: I’m flexible