Dracula had it right, sleep all day, live alone in a castle & explode into a thousand bats to get out of social situations.
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Me: In my day we all had to watch the same thing, at the same time, on the same screen
My kids: NOOOOO!!!
Our former nanny is pregnant and while I’m happy for her I’m mostly just relieved that my kids didn’t ruin her desire to be a parent
My beach vacation Google searches
Me: I pull a sword from my forehead
Nerd: Not realistic
M: so dungeons and dragons are real?
N: …
M: so, I pull a sword from my forehead
[during sex]
me: imma turn the ceiling fan on
giraffe wife: *on top* noooooooo
My Bread Shop may have turned a profit if I stuck with the original name: Rolling In Dough instead of: Yeast Infection Connection.
[emptying dishwasher]
HOW IN THE HELL DO I FIT ALL THESE COFFEE CUPS IN THE CABINET
Me: Do you want to get dressed up for Thanksgiving dinner?
Husband: Sure! What should we wear?
Me: Shoes?
I’m having stuff I ordered delivered to an Amazon hub for pickup, but I didn’t realize you have to give them your Amazon username. So, I’m going to have to walk in and say, “Picking up a package for Lamont Sanford’s Friend Rollo.”
Me: I hope you pee your pants, teach you not to hold it in!
My daughter: You shouldn’t wish for that..you’re the one that does the laundry!
“Good luck tomorrow.”
* Me confusing a random stranger *
I took a DNA test and i’m actually 17% cheddar cheese now
“bury me loose” will never ever be bested 😭
[phone rings]
ME: Hello?
MOM: Are you watching the news?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Channel 2?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Bring a jacket anyway.
Why is nobody talking about how Sia is just Hulk Hogan’s mustache?
Date: “so, tell me a bit about yourself”
Me: “NICE TRY, FEDS”
“rejection is god’s protection” ok but from what? Happiness?!?
Recipe: simmer gently for 3-4 minutes
Me: boils violently for 16-98 minutes depending on when I remember I left something cooking in a pan
I would actually consider watching The Bachelor if one of the girls was a Praying Mantis.
When did white people become such fucking pussies?
<first date>
Him: *wipes mouth and tosses napkin on unfinished plate*
Me: *seductively slides napkin to the side and finishes his meal*
Me: can you make sure this diamond ring is in the bottom of her drink? I want it to be a really special moment
McDonald’s employee: ok
Women be like ‘I hope you look exactly like your profile photo’ and then when you’re kneeling outside the restaurant holding a fish they’re all ‘Omg what is wrong with you’. I can’t win you guys.
My dad’s pet name for my mom is tiger.
Let’s never discuss this again.
Is this one haunted?
“No”
What about that one?
“Ma’am, none of the booze is haunted”
What kind of wine and spirits store is this?!
The best part about pooping with the bathroom door open in the morning is being able to see everyones face at Starbucks.
Breakfast in bed this morning! Good thing I fell asleep in a Waffle House booth last night.