Dracula had it right, sleep all day, live alone in a castle & explode into a thousand bats to get out of social situations.
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Gets 5 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired
Gets 8 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired and I’m late for work
Kind of sad that the most fragile men in the world are required by law to become pro wrestling referees.
Me: What makes you think I have trouble letting go?
Her: You woke me up at 3am to ask that?
Unicorns to the left of me
Mermaids to the right
Here I am
Stuck in the Centaur with you
*wonders if any of my friends snorted tide when I was a teen since we didn’t have tide pods*
Her: You know I love it when you pull my hair…
Me: Yes, baby
Her: But the other people at this PTA meeting are beginning to stare.
[emerging from a ten year coma]
my dad: look who finally got up
This lunch pairs well with watching 9 minutes of a tv show
“It’s hotter than a junkie’s spoon in July”
Excuse me, what kind of Florida metric system are we using now??
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: Prince William should rent out some rooms in Kensington Palace to tourists. Call it Heirbnb.
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’
WHEN YOU’RE A GHOST, YOU CAN:
1. Float through walls!
2. Find a body in the wall!
3. Wait, that’s you.
4. But then who did they bury in your grave?
5. Solve mysteries!
i maintain uninterrupted eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me, as i slowly pull out a chimichanga from my coat pocket & begin eating it
tinder is all about the long game
How is this not always the biggest story of the day?
I always get new followers when I’m asleep proving that people like me better when I’m not talking
Youth Pastor: do you know who also crashed a market?
is frankincense just very honest incense?
please stop calling 911 when you see me dancing. i’m fine!
gingerbread man: hold on
[puts baking paper on the bed]
*kissing intensifies*
Did you know statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a coconut falling from a tree than by a coconut stabbing you with a breadknife
I accidentally dropped one of my husband’s Viagra into my contact solution and now I’m cockeyed.
THEM: What’s it called when you think about them all the time?
ME: Love.
T: What if it’s about murdering them all the time?
M: Also love.
My daughter just announced she’s SICK of stupid-ass people. I said “Oh darlin, you’re gonna feel ill for a long time.. they’re everywhere.”
[the ghost of christmas future points at my grave] finally im dead [i lay down in the grave] stop kicking me ghost im not learning anything
ME: it probably seems weird but I prefer to pee sitting down
THERAPIST: get the hell off my lap
I lock eyes with the cashier after he tells me to have a great day. “How?”
In honor of Mother’s Day here’s my favorite text my mom has ever sent me
ME (wakes up from coma): whatve I missed
WIFE: Trump’s running for prez & the Cubs are favs to win the World Series
M: haha ok but srsly tho
A fun thing to do is scream “JENGA!” and yank a ladder out from under somebody.