(Dracula has social anxiety and can’t attend the auction)
Dracula: (texting me) DO MY BIDDING
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Son won’t eat sandwich I made him but will lick dog bowl
*wakes up early on weekend
*makes 12 pancakes
*wakes kids up“Daddy, can we have waffles today???”
*eats 12 pancakes
*Seductively hides in the woods
Them: You need to eat more fresh vegetables!
Me: *going for more freshly baked potatoes* I’m on it!
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
[Arranging a date]
Her: OK how does 4 o’clock sound?
Him: [Through megaphone] DONG DONG DONG DONG
Just ruined my dad’s night by texting pics of a bird he can’t positively ID
My favorite part of the Bible is when God gives humans free will, then kills them with a flood because they didn’t act the way he wanted.
*standing outside your house
I was totally going to stalk you but…
*pets your dog instead
I made popcorn.
Teen smelled popcorn.
I no longer have popcorn.
[8 AM]
Me: Time to wake up.
[13 HOURS LATER]
Me: Time to go to bed.
Kid: But, Mom, it’s 9 AM.
ME: I’ll take that angry cantaloupe.
FRUIT STALL VENDOR: You mean the pineapple?
I got all my coworkers condoms and bibles for Valentines Day because I’m praying they get laid
JESUS: Take and eat; this is my body
ME: Umm
JESUS: Drink. This is my blood
ME: Can we get another waiter please!
JESUS: This is my mixtape
ME: I hate owls
[Owl turns his head 180°]
OWL: What?
ME: Oh I didn’t see you there
OWL: Are you talking behind my back?
ME: I’m…I’m not sure
You know you are Canadian when 0°c and sunny is beautiful warm day…
I made a belt made out of old watches. It was a waist of time
Autocorrect changed “I’ll see you in a while” to “I’ll see you in a hole”, and now I’m being questioned by the police.
Interviewer: What skills do you have?
Me: Mind control
Interviewer: EXCELLENT YOUVE GOT THE JOB
I replaced the glass in my bathroom windows so the tree outside can see exactly what I do with toilet paper.
You know what paper is? I yell
me: can I buy a hotdog with ketchup?
him: no, cash only
Match dot com, but for socks.
“it’s the thought that counts” doesn’t include showering. You have to actually do that.
“She is not fine.”
~Sun Tzu
Her: I’d really love some flowers.
Him: Orchids?
Her: No, just flowers.
We can’t land research equipment on Venus because the heat melts the circuitry, so NASA should build rovers made from fat-free cheese because nothing can melt that garbage.
Me: I have lots of black pants because they are so versatile and go with everything.
Also, me: I cannot wear that yellow shirt with black pants because I will look like a bumble bee.
Judge: I’d like to call recess.
Defense Attorney: *running with hands in air* I call the slide!
Bailiff: *still zipping coat* Wait for me.
Me: how do I do taxes?
School: here’s a recorder
Me: what is a credit score?
School: just put it in your mouth and blow like this
Me: how do I choose the right healthcare plan?
School: HOT. CROSS. BUNS.