(Dracula has social anxiety and can’t attend the auction)
Dracula: (texting me) DO MY BIDDING
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Don’t call them paint “chips” if you don’t want me to snack on em.
Hate it when I put on active wear and nothing happens.
HER: what are you doing?
ME:
*closes page
*deletes history
*performs factory reset
*throws phone against the wall
nothing why, what’s up?
*guy acts like he’s gonna punch me*
GUY: HA! You flinched
ME: yes because I thought you were going to punch me. If you actually punched me I would have been more protected. You see, evolutionarily speaking, the flinchers would have outlived those wh-
GUY: *actually punches me*
As a lil mental health treat I’ll throw a few beef bullion cubes in my hot tub then sit in it like I’m a slow cooking roast in a crock pot.
When someone says, “that’s ridiculous, no one will ever do that”, I’m the guy that says, “hold my beer. I’ll do it.”
CNN: Trump removes screaming baby from rally
Fox News: Trump rally interrupted by another unruly, entitled protestor who still lives at home
“Hello, 912”
wait did u say 912?
“yup”
I meant to dial 911
“happens all the time”
lol I’m such a goof
“haha right?”
my neighbor got stabbed
A true master of balance is someone who can saunter over to your table, drink in each hand, while being three sheets to the wind, and not spill a drop!
Carves “you are a doo-doo head” into the car door of my enemy because my sword is mightier as a pen or something like that
Looking to join a group where every once in awhile somebody screams “fan out!” and we all do.
my neighbor is SO SWEET she somehow decided all of us neighbors on both sides love wind chimes SO MUCH she bought wind chimes for her backyard
One nice thing about your 30s is people talk less about figuring themselves out and more about where the best sandwiches are.
Put a picture of a random coworker on your desk to spice up the workplace
ME: (signing) What color are apples?
BOBO THE GORILLA: (signing) Please free me from this prison
ME: (writing) Still struggling with colors
I once had a girlfriend and then she got to know me.
when it’s raining and someone texts you “are we still on for tonight?” and you say “oh, im fine either way, up to you! it’s raining lol” and then they text “okay see you tonight”
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Drunk on Twitter: Omg what an awesome idea!
Morning after on Twitter: Jesus Christ I’m gonna have to leave here now.
I admire people who make it easy to find the refrigerators cheese drawer when you visit their home.
Do-it-yourself home remodeling usually starts in the kitchen and ends in the depths of Hell.
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because kids that eat Taco Bell can’t climb, or run.
My 7-year-old daughter asked me twice today “what poison would kill someone the fastest?” and now I’m wondering if I’ve underestimated her.
I’m not flirting, I’m being friendly.
*gets on knees and undoes your belt*
Horrifying if literal: Robert Burns
Movie idea: Family moves into haunted house; ghosts appear; family too busy staring at phones to notice; ghosts leave in disgust.
Give your kid a bowl of chips, and he’ll eat for a few minutes. Let him dump out a bag of chips in the car, and he’ll eat for a whole week
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
legos are too expensive nowadays. They should go back to costing as much as they did when my parents paid for them
me: this hotel is $100 per night?
clerk: that’s right
me: how much for just one room
There’s no way the Ninja Turtles would have those ripped abs. You can’t do crunches with a shell attached to your back. Trust me I’ve tried.