(Dracula has social anxiety and can’t attend the auction)
Dracula: (texting me) DO MY BIDDING
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Last week I made dinner for my husband’s boss and his wife. As a thank you, they sent me a gift certificate for cooking lessons!
Close your eyes. Picture a world without hunger. Open your eyes. I ate your sandwich.
*lies down on waxing table
Aesthetician(on phone): Cancel all my appts, check the moon phase and bring me a gun loaded with silver bullets.
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: omg, yay.
BOWIE: Just for one day.
ME: I actua—I think it’s gonna take longer than that.
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: No, I get that. It’s jus—it’s a length issue.
BOWIE: Forever and ever.
ME: I don’t…*rubbing temples* something between those, maybe?
Eugene Levy & his wife invited me to a non-alcoholic party.
Drove my Chevy to the Levys but the Levys were dry.
I always skip leg day at the gym. I keep my body proportionate by skipping every other day at the gym as well.
Drummer’s pissed because the guys in the band say drums aren’t a real instrument. He says, “I’ll show them–give me the red cornet and the accordion.”
Instrument store guy says, “Well you can have the fire extinguisher, but the radiator has to stay.”
I loathe tweets like “Be somebody’s beautiful tragedy”. Might as well tweet using a random word generator.
“Be golf brisket honkytonk”
I don’t suppose you’ve seen those two boiled eggs I left sitting on the kitchen sideboard by any chance?
I don’t hold a grudge. I need both hands free for the chainsaw.
I take off my blindfold. Before me is a gory tableau of death and destruction, bodies strewn across the landscape. The piñata is unscathed.
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
I’m playing chess against my gardener. Your move, Jesus.
Sometimes you look at an ex and think maybe they’re not so bad. And then they start to talk and remind you why you hate them.
UPDATE: Twitter Reacts To The Scottish Independence Referendum #indyref #ScotlandDecides
Me: “It’s important to stay hydrated”
Coastguard: “Not this important: now grab the rope”
My cat killed a mouse, walked away and looked back at me. I don’t feel safe anymore.
Got thrown out of Joann Fabrics for asking for wife material.
Sometimes I say something so embarrassing I even impress myself.
Time machine ads be like:
“Can you here me now?”
the first guy to ride a horse was all like GIDDYUP HORSEY and the horse was all like DAMMIT WHO TOLD HIM THAT MAKES US GO
Nurse: we need to draw some blood
Me with a fine arts degree: *hastily reaches into backpack* i saved my good marker for this
Bread, a tale of tears
I had a loaf in my grocery cart when something heavy fell on it. At home, as I am removing it from the car I closed the trunk on it. Once I got it out of the trunk it immediately broke through its bag and fell to the driveway.
Incredibly it tasted amazing
When someone asks me why I’m leaving the party early, I say “I’m late for an appointment with my pajamas.”
But wait…..does your wife know that you’re divorced?
People in Detroit call Grand Theft Auto V “Tuesday”
Everyone’s gangsta until grandma grabs that wooden spoon
Ive been so busy photoshopping memories for my daughter. Now she can remember the time we went to the running of the bulls in Spain.
Emperor: How are my elite troops doing on Endor?
Vader: They were all viciously murdered by teddy bears.
Emperor: That sounds plausible.
Daughter: goodnight Mama.
Wife: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Dada.
Me: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Moon.
Me: [high pitched voice] goodnight.
Daughter: the moon doesn’t sound like that.
Moon: yeah I don’t sound like that.