dracula: I vant to suck ur blood
me: oh no
dracula: I will drain u completely
me:
dracula: I will suck u dry
me:
dracula: why do u keep giggling
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*sees cute boy checking me out*
me: our horde of children will have his eyes and my low standards
No sense buying a memory foam mattress if you’re just going to toss and turn all night, it’ll be confused.
when someone messages me a minute after i login to work
Setting up a funeral business from scratch is quite the undertaking
*the fog lifts*
*the fog eats a high protein-low fat diet*
*the fog does cardio*
*the fog is fit af*
Didn’t sleep much but I got a few solid hours of worrying done.
152,000 people will die today but not the one you want.
“You want me to do what?!”🤣
The #NSA walks into a bar. Bartender: “Got a new joke for you.” NSA: “Heard it.”
Panic buying, kids off school, businesses shutting down, stuck in the house with your family for days on end…
It’s basically shitty Christmas.
TT: At sunday dinner I like to perform an impromptu puppet show with the roast chicken. This week it’s my interpretation of Die Hard 2.
I’ve never met a day I couldn’t ruin.
Them: Describe your personality using one word.
Me: no
ME: *gets slapped in the face by a small reptile*
“And that’s for being a jerk to your wife!”
~ Karma Chameleon
[first day at the cia]
me: where’s the chandelier
boss: what chandelier
me: you know 🎶 party girls don’t get hurt 🎶
boss: that’s sia
me: i know how it’s pronounced i work here
I turned to her and said “We’re all just seeking validation, aren’t we?” She just ignored me, stamped my parking ticket, and handed it back.
I almost ran somebody over yesterday, I guess I’ll have to try harder next time
WIFE: Where are you off to?
ME: Shits & giggles.
WIFE: What?
ME: I’m gonna read funny tweets on the toilet.
Me: …at aol dot com
Cashier: at a…?
M: at aol dot com
Cashier: at ao…?
Me: at aol dot com
Cashier: Ma’am, are you crying?
COP: you can’t hide from the long arm of the law
ME [under the couch]: please stop tickling me
I’m so tired of being jealous of my friends’ successes. It’s unhealthy and only hurts me. From now on, I’m going to focus on what’s really important: enjoying my friends’ failures.
Coworker: can I talk to you about your Twitter
Me, hand on the fire alarm:
Coworker: I think you’re funny
Me, removing hand from fire alarm: yes
Tiny son: Mommy, did you know, inside a turtle shell there is a little bed, a TV, and a tiny kitchen?
I need some sun. My legs are so white they just drove to Whole Foods in their Prius.
Thinking about the time my ex got me an eyeshadow pallet that was labeled “great for green eyes” gentle reader I have blue eyes
Date: Your profile said you wanted someone to attend a wedding with you.
Me: Yup!
Date: This wasn’t what I had in mind.
Officiant: Do you take this man?
Me: I do!
i see a little silhouetto of a bug
IT’S A WASP IT’S A WASP
can we close the damn window
why didn’t scooby doo smell that the ghosts were human
My grandmother was parking on the street and I kept giggling. She finally asked me why, and I just said “paralleloGram.”
Apparently, Walt Disney was a secret FBI snitch for 26 years so I guess you could say he was a rat who was famous for drawing a mouse.