Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[first date]

Her: I love big hearted people

Me {trying to impress her}: I have hypertrophic cardiomyopathy

Son: What IS it?
Daughter: Dunno. Maybe a possum?
S: Should it be that color?
D: Try poking it.
Me: I’M NEVER COOKING FOR YOU GUYS AGAIN.

Boss: Don’t beat a dead horse

Me: Wait, are you OK with beating a live horse?

B: Please shut up

M: I don’t take orders from horse-beaters

imagine prince eric watching ariel get her voice back in the little mermaid and finding out she sounds exactly like donald duck

[first date with a skeleton]
ME: So um… have you always been a skeleton?
HER: No, in high school I was a-
ME: Wait, no-
HER: Skeleteen.

Her: You’re always teaching the kids how to use things improperly!

Me [flattens out a piece of lettuce, takes my writing ham out of the tackle box]: Go on…

A coworker said “can you BE anymore annoying?”

So the next day I wore some tap shoes to work.

Me googling: why do chickens get to run around with no head but humans don’t?

Google response: Why Am I Single Quiz – Take This Quiz To Find Out

The inventor of the condom was a hardwear engineer

…and send

HIM: I’m sorry I spilled my drink, I ruined your jacket.

FIRST GUY TO WEAR A REVERSIBLE JACKET: *Trying very hard to contain excitement* Actually, you didn’t.

the metric system will never catch on here because too many Americans are into feet

In my defense, it was my first eulogy. I assumed it was supposed to rhyme.

me: hi i’ve come to pick up my suit
tailor: ok what name is it
me: i dunno maybe trevor the tux or something

Guess when toothpaste was invented? 1892. Guess when kissing was invented? A DISGUSTINGLY LONG TIME BEFORE THAT.

If your trust issues began with a sugar cookies tin full of sewing supplies you’re my people.

I’m not saying I got lost, but a search party did find me on the wrong mountain.

A recipe for laughter

Received an email that my “services are no longer needed effective immediately” & “good luck on your future endeavors”. Frankly I think my wife should have told me in person.

A coven of witches with grandkids who call themselves the PentaGrans.

Thanks for following.

[In the middle of nowhere]

4: “Mommy, are there toilets on this road trip?”

… yes

“Because I’m about to poop my pants.”

One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.

Welcome to your 40s.
You remember your home phone number from when you were 11 but you can’t remember why you came upstairs.

[romantic dinner]
her: “I was hoping it might just be the two of us.”
ventriloquist dummy: “he said I help with his confidence.”

I asked the wife what she wanted for her birthday and all she said was ‘after all this time you know what I like, surprise me’.

Anyone know how to go about the harvesting and storing of souls?

Not to brag but I’m never late for work without a good reason. For example this week my boss is on vacation…

I hate when I see the moon during the day. Go to bed dude.

“But my doctor said popcorn was healthy,” I say while pouring on a stick of butter.

If doctors were truly empathetic they would wear backless gowns too

me: do you have coke

cat waiter: is pspspsps ok?