dracula: I vant to suck ur blood
me: oh no
dracula: I will drain u completely
me:
dracula: I will suck u dry
me:
dracula: why do u keep giggling
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i couldn’t tell you, officer, they were wearing masks, they could have been any group of armed anthropomorphic turtles
“My phone is blowing up!”
*2 unread messages*
The world is my oyster and I’m allergic to shellfish.
*stares into the abyss
The Abyss: Okay you’re kind of freaking me out.
I like how people say “travel safely” like I’m the one flying the plane.
My husband before the holidays: I don’t need anything
My husband right after the holidays: I’ve always wanted this thing, and also I really really want this, and I’d love to have this other thing
People who say ‘have a nice day’, like I planned this shit show
The only downside of hiring a maid is having to thoroughly clean the whole house the night before she comes so she “doesn’t think the place is a mess.”
No, officer, I haven’t been drinking; my toddler just needed to hand me everything from the back seat.
The revolution will be televised, but interrupted by a live breaking story about a new panda at the zoo.
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first
FRIEND: can you hold my keys?
ME: no [pulling another fanny pack out of my fanny pack] but you can
The real miracle is how Jesus managed to book a table for twenty-six people on the night before the Easter holiday, and then only half them showed up.
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
ME: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
PRODUCER: You mean a choir?
ME: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
Today’s meltdown is brought to you because when your kid asked for a “plain pb&j,” what they actually wanted was a pb&j in the shape of a plane
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
a daycare dad cut me off in the parking lot so I went early yesterday and taught his kid how to ride a bike you can never get that back
The old gods are rising again.
Me: Pork chops, in a sherried cream sauce, with roasted garlic and dried chanterelles.
Her: So cream of mushroom soup.
Me: Basically
The most important thing I learned from working at the bank is which lollipop flavor tastes the best.
Happy 50% off black jellybeans day!
They say it takes 10,000 hours to become an expert at something. Please. You wanna know expertise? I’ve spent over 300,000 hrs being a moron
Hamburger Helper only works if the hamburger is ready to accept that it needs help.
there there son
*crouches down & wipes his tears*
its ok, dont go crying over spilt mil– YOU GOT IT ON THE XBOX!? no NO. call 911. CALL 911
It’s been one year since I got fired for having my friends give me 5 star reviews
i wish jigglypuff was real imagine how well rested you could be all the time
It’s a good thing Netflix didn’t release Baby Reindeer around Christmas. There’d have been a lot of angry parents.
cooking with glasses on is so humiliating…why did i just get blinded by steam
WIFE: You overreact to everything!
ME: [phones police]