Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife: I remember your proposal

Me: Oh yeah?

Wife: It was so romantic

Me: It was?

Wife: You put in so much effort

Me:

Wife: That was Steve?

Me: That was Steve

How are they committing internet crimes from the space station when I can’t get a decent signal in my kitchen.

My uncle married a woman from Tokyo and they just had a daughter.

She’s my Japaniece..

My wife handed me a paring
knife to slice some peaches.

Apparently we don’t have
a peaching knife.

I can’t watch movies made before 1998 because the gas prices in the background of scenes make me too angry

*putting a top hat on my dog*

Dog: *thinking* Like I don’t already have enough reasons to kill you in your sleep.

11yo: Mom, can you look at the sky? It looks flat.

Me: That’s because it’s not real. You’re in the Matrix & they’ve got a second rate programmer on tonight.

11: Never mind.

I’m at a fancy restaurant so of course I ordered the Patricia melt.

Autocorrect is definitely just that kid in class who would very confidently yell out wrong answers

Remember when we didn’t let Meg Ryan stand up straight for an entire decade?

“Hi, I’m here for Paradox Club.”

-Actually this is Oxymoron Club.

“Ok, same difference.”

*looks at group*
-Oh, this guy is good.

9: [who only had 97 snacks today] Are we ever gonna eat dinner?

I can walk up to any dog, rub its butt and make a friend. That trick only works about half the time on people.

Walmart keeps two elderly people on staff at all times: one to greet you, and one to walk slowly in front of you on the way out.

Me: they’re my service bees

Him: but they’re not trained. they attack everyone who gets close to you

Me: they’re trained

one time I saw a doc RUNNING in the hospital and I was like omg what’s the emergency and they were like DIARRHEA and I was like omg who and they were like ME

whenever i see deer hanging out too close to the road i will slowly drive by, roll down my window, and say “you guys are being insane..” they usually just stare and dont say anything back but i can tell they’re utterly embarrassed

CRYING

[finishing dinner]

her: should we stay for dessert, or you want to back to my place for that 😉

me: *scanning the menu* do you have chocolate souffle at your place?

her: no, but-

me: let’s stay

My kid told me it was too sunny outside and for a moment it seemed like he wanted me to do something about it

son: I don’t think he likes me
wife: your dad just has a hard time showing affection
me: [holding bag of doritos] GOD I LOVE DORITOS

Somewhere Keanu Reeves is sad because he keeps following people on social media and getting blocked because nobody believes it’s him.

Frog: WAKE ME UP!

Snake: Wake me up inside!

Youth may have many decadent pleasures. But at my age, based on the sounds I make, relieving my bladder is pure euphoria.

I have money, then I don’t have money, it all happens so fast!!

[I try photo shopping abs on me but i accidentally make my head four times normal size]

Why is it when I buy something a size up and want it to shrink it stays exactly the same size. But when I buy something that fits perfectly it comes out of the dryer looking like it was made for a small child? I’m pretty sure it’s a conspiracy by Big Textile.

don’t forget to look out for your single friends today! leave shallow bowls of water out around the garden so they stay hydrated! if you see one struggling try and feed it with a teaspoon of sugar water to help revive them!

We grew up so poor we could only play duck duck.

What kind of doctor are you?
-Apathologist
A… pathologist?
-No, apathologist. People come to me when they need medical don’t care.