Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Due to circumstances beyond my control… I am at work

My 16 yr old has a mandatory sophomore Catholic school retreat that lasts 24 hours. No phones allowed. His argument against going, “I just can’t.”
Me, “It’s tradition. Even I did it. All your siblings did it. Nothing can stop it. Absolutely nothing. Period.”

Coronavirus: LOL.

Having hot lemon water every morning is definitely working. I’ve never felt more arrogant.

Area Man Marries Woman He Barely Knows After 5 Years Of Dating

*at store*

Random guy: Do you have the time?

Me: 6:30.

Random guy: Thanks. I lost my watch and I have no idea where I put the dang —

Me: Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. We’re done here.

ME: in closing, all of the facts I’ve presented today prove that Bush did 911

PRIEST: and now the bride will read the vows she has written

Spreads legs… Nope

Spreads two other legs …. Nope

Spreads two others …. Dammit, no

Spreads last two…. BINGO!!

– spider sex

Me: I lost 13 pounds.

Also Me: I’m going to celebrate with cake!

“OPEN UP, THIS IS THE POLICE!”
haha, no way losers. I’ve got things to do.
*cop whispering* “what do we do? this guy is owning us hard!”

Ladies, if you receive flowers with no card on them today they’re from me.

[uses Ant-Man tech to carry around a bunch of dogs in my pocket]

Sophomore year I called my mom excited to tell her I had declared my majors. Me: “I’m gonna double major in drama & sociology” Her: “Drama & sociology?! Whatcha gonna do with THAT ACT LIKE YOU’RE HELPING PEOPLE” 🤷🏾‍♀️😂

[JAIL VISITATION]
WIFE: I got u a cake
ME: U know I don’t like sugar
W: U need a BREAK, OUT of ur diet
M: It’s not a diet, it’s a lifestyle

[At the coroners’ to identify a body]

Me: “Yep. That’s a body all right.”

Purgatory is like approaching a flashing stoplight. The light at the end of the tunnel is blinking and no one knows what to do.

Who.
Did.
This?

In 2004 I took one bite of a Nature Valley granola bar in my car, and I’m still finding crumbs today.

COMPUTER: HINT: name of best friend
ME: Jen
C: Jen sounds nice
M: Wh-what?
C: Is Jen single?
M: Uh…
C: Answer the question. Is Jen single?

Help is a magic word.
Say it to people & watch them disappearing from the horizon of your life.

I have an actual woodpecker in my backyard and now I can see why these guys had so many problems with Woody. I wouldn’t throw a grenade at him or anything but I might if I had one

DAD: You’re adapted.

SCREENPLAY: What?!

I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge

My PS5 died, I guess I need to make friends now.

Because you know I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble. I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble.

Son: What’re the trailers for?
Farmer: Goin’ to market.
S: Why 3 of ’em?
F: One carries cows, one hauls pigs.
S: That one?
F: Totes m’goats.

If you give your kid a roll of tape today then you should expect you’ll need to buy more tape tomorrow

In a parallel universe nobody can park.

I had dreams. I wanted to be the heiress on the terrace. Instead I’m the grouch on the couch.

no thank you I was a very bad child I don’t even like lollipops thank you again

I got you a new pair of cement shoes!
Go ahead, try em on real quick…