Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

guy: [drinking a coke]

me, hungover from a 3-day drug and alcohol-fueked bender: can’t believe he’s putting that garbage in his body

Me: How much for the Bohemian golf ball?

Clerk: That’s an egg.

[spelling bee]

JUDGE: Your word is walk

“Walk. W-A-L-K. Walk”

JUDGE: [pulls off mask to reveal he is a dog] I KNEW IT! *glares at owner*

Bunch of people on here saying it’s fine to slap your kids if they can’t be reasoned with verbally. Buddy if that’s the standard I have bad news for many of you

Of course my children don’t listen to me. I’m not YouTube.

I’m up at 5 am, knocking things off my to do list before half of you are even awake. Get on my level

me: having a physical body is inconvenient. i want to be a sentient cloud or a useful metaphor
alien who abducted me: do you ever stop talking?
me: lol no

[grocery shopping]

ME: oooh my back just cracked

5: mine too. WE’RE A CRACK FAMILY!!

[pretends my phone rings while on date] i gotta take this. hello? oh hi [watches date for reaction]… the teenage mutant ninja turtles

*Moves manger so the baby Jesus can watch Die Hard*

I built a tricycle pram tonight

*adds bike mechanic to the resume*

This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.

“Don’t shoot your gun at the hurricane” the government says. I’ll do my own research thanks

You didn’t let me know you got home safely so you better at least be injured or I’m gonna be pissed.

My childhood imaginary friends grew up to become groupies for my very successful air guitar trio.

Toddlers are like if your dog could talk. And use markers.

DATING TIP: show her your hula hoop skills. keep adding hula hoops. you’re now a slinky. everybody loves a slinky.

My oldest kid had a little art show this morning, and not to be out done, my youngest did a performance piece entitled: lying on the floor of the art show and refusing to get up

[wakes up from coma I went into in 1908] so how many more World Series titles have the Cubs won?

Your kids paranoid there’s a monster under their bed? Have I got a holiday for you.

Right about now, family members all over the country are realizing the Starbucks cards I gave them for Christmas are empty.

I think about wizards and dragons way more than a wizard of 3 small dragons should. Dammit I meant mother of 3 small dragons. Dammit I meant

So anyway, my mom and all her opinions are visiting this weekend

Them: You seem nice.

Me: Really? Try driving slowly in front of me.

Me: why don’t you ever do things the first time I ask?

5: because I’m 5

I just spilled my protein shake all over myself and all I’m saying is a donut would never do this to me.

Those who ignore the past are doomed to flunk their history test.

Free advice: Saying “meaty shaft” in a corporate meeting is like saying bomb on an airplane.

[watching action movie]

*hero stealthily snaps guard’s neck*

me: damn, I bet that felt really good

I shit you not I just had this convo on the plane…

Stewardess – Are you a comedian?

Me – Yes

Her – I thought so. I recognized you from the website, “comedian.”