Dracula: I vant to suck your blood!
Me, a waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Dracula: *sighing* I guess.
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Like seashell soaps, my Ferrero Rocher are decorative.
Not to brag, but I parallel parked without hitting anything, taking 15 mins, or winding up on the sidewalk. No cars were around, but still.
this is the most amazing image I’ve ever seen
My favorite part about sci-fi movies is when all aliens and people from other worlds only speak English
That feeling of unadulterated smugness that comes when you get the daily Wordle in fewer attempts than the rest of your family
Imagine how stupid you’d feel if you pitched “Yabba dabba doo” at that early Flintstones meeting and it didn’t hit
I’m so jealous that guys can poop standing up
*group chat*
Fellas, I think it’s time. I think I’m finally ready to be a dad.
[Tamagotchi has requested to join the chat]
We haven’t seen the full damage this epidemic will cause, that will happen in about five to seven months with all of the gender reveal parties.
Woke up with no money. I was robbed last night by a guy who looks exactly like me, but drunker.
I feel bad that I never predicted anything for the Mayans.
People are out here fighting over Walmart and Target. Meanwhile, I haven’t stepped a foot in either of these stores for eleven years because of the same people who will fight over and in a Walmart and Target.
Is it still an alien abduction if I packed a suitcase?
the bots have become self-efficient faster than we imagined
[Taken 26]
Abductor: I have your great granddaughter
LIAM NEESON: I literally died 12 years ago
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
I’ve never made eggplant before. Is it better fried or scrambled?
If you’re havin AutoCorrect problems I feel bad for you son. I got 99 parabolas bit s butch Saint omg.
ME: babe I wanna show you something *lifts shirt up*
HER: you didn’t swallow lightning bugs again did you
ME: it’s supposed to say “will you marry me” *flicks tummy* c’mon guys we practiced this
[petting zoo]
ME: *still petting the penguin*
DANNY DEVITO: There’s other people in line, you know.
Fact:
“Intercourse” sounds more like it’s about vehicular traffic than sex.
Five minutes before my break:
“Hi, I need some computer help. I need to sign into this website but to do that I need to get into my email and I don’t know any of the passwords and also I lost my phone but I assume that won’t be a problem.”
“Friday the 13th sent you, didn’t it?”
A guy saw me giving my dog water and said that he hopes I have a husband with how caring I am to my dog and I had to explain to him that men should be able to drink water on their own
Confusing prank: Obtain a grizzly bear, name it Love then call 911 and say that Love is tearing you apart
18yo is deliberately putting the cutlery in the wrong places in the drawer when he puts them away. So I’ve put some of his game discs in the wrong boxes. Let’s see who’s head explodes first.
Honestly, guys. I’ve got a fox stuck in my washing machine. WHAT THE ACTUAL FOX
No one said life would be easy, but a heads-up on the number of idiots out there would’ve been nice.
Science is tricky. Keeps you on your toes.
Mineralogy? Study of minerals.
Oceanology? Study of oceans.
Meteorology? NOT ABOUT METEORS.
Him: Why are you so obsessive? Why can’t you just let things go?
Me: *sighs and puts my 24 page essay on why toast is terrible back into my briefcase*
Friend: *finger guns*
Me: *looks down at finger knives* oh no