Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

if you think my grammar is bad you should’ve met my grampar.

You know you’re getting old when your decision to sleep with someone is mostly based on the quality of their mattress and pillows.

SHARK ATTACKS AT RECORD HIGH

Australia: Lets put nets out to keep bathers safe

USA: Everybody get a shark to protect you from other sharks

Ex: Do you ever think of someone else when we have sex?
Me: No, it’s always George Clooney.

so tell me….is there a mama ghanoush?

If white guys are day drinking, it’s inevitable that they’re going to start wrestling at some point later that night.

People are all “Sure, I’ll help you move” until they see my prized collection of cement blocks from around the world.

Him “I like you”
Me: “Meh, give it five days.
Him: “No I really like you”
Me: “okay. Ten.”

Narrator * It would, in fact, take 4.

yes hello I’d like to exchange my generational trauma for generational wealth please

For my second date with my husband we met in NYC and went to a party and ended up at a McDonald’s at 3:00 AM where he reached across the table, grabbed my hands, looked at me adoringly, and said “I hate this. I wanted to go to bed at 9:00. Do not expect this of me again.”

I let my work email inbox get too full and now I can’t send or receive emails. I don’t know why I didn’t think of this sooner.

As an automobile advocate, I am begging people to stop using the term “Accident” and instead use “Car interaction”.

[Lingerie store]

ME: I’d like to buy some underwear for my wife.
ASSISTANT: Satin?
ME: No, I’d prefer new ones.

[new coffee shop]

DAY 1
barista: name?
me: Pru
b: order for Prune!

DAY 2
m: Pru. P-R-U
b: Poo!

DAY 3
m: JANE… MY NAME’S JANE

ME: please show me the posts in the order that they were made
COMPUTER: thats too hard. heres some tweets i think are good. Do you like this

You say “leftover bacon” like I’m supposed to know what that is…

I laughed at this way too hard.

Woke up screaming this morning. My apologies to everyone in the meeting.

Interviewer: It says here you have advanced math skills. How many times have you used them at work?

Me: *holds up fingers* This many.

My 6-year-old is sick with a cough, so I told him gargling with warm salt water can help. He looked at me & said, “I’m NOT going all the way to the ocean right now.”

I should invent a fake kid to give myself more things to tweet about. Oh, you’ll never guess what Jayden did today! He sneaked out of preschool, stole a school bus, and drove to Atlantic City. Lost almost two grand on a craps game. He is such a little handful!

Reporter: How do you feel that your proposal was turned down by Congress?

Obama: Well, I’ve alw–

Biden: [grabs mic] TURNED DOWN FOR WHAT?

establish dominance by “properly” rewrapping your in-laws’ gift to you

There’s a lady on my NextDoor app who likes to jump into long threads and write “can we please stop talking about this” with increasing frustration while everyone ignores her and I love her so much

If we spell Jeff as Geoff then why not

– Geosh
– Georemy
– Geonathan
– Geonnifer
– Geacob
– Jreg

Jesus said if a man strikes you, to turn the other cheek

…but the rest of the instructions are, plant foot, use your legs and throw a right hook back!!

– my Dad

[being murdered]

me: thanks for doing this

When I worked in fragrance, my friends and family would ask for samples all the time.

Now that I work in a bank… Same