Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: i’m sorry i haven’t been on twitter much lately, my employer says i’m expendabl-

boss: *leans in and whispers*

me: essential. they say i’m essential.

Every wedding video you’ve ever seen

*gets waitress’s phone number*
*texts her before meal is over*
“Napkins????”

That scene where Scar kills Mufasa only it’s me to the crumbs on my shirt

I’m no expert, but I would guess the internet really affected encyclopedia sales.

*First date*

Him: I just want someone to say to me I love you and really mean it someday!

Me: I love you and really mean it someday..

Him:

Me: there’s no pleasing some people

* Dalai Lama goes on killing spree after listening to my coworker eat soup *

Sorry I missed your call earlier, I was sitting in my bed with my phone in my hand watching it ring

My pet toddler is scratching at the door again.

What this place needs is a revival of the narrator tweets.

Narrator: No, that’s the last thing this place needs.

This was the Moment when twitter decided to double the Size of its Application.

Everybody is fighting a battle that you don’t know about…because of the first rule of Fight Club.

Me: *throwing away all the lettuce*

Wife: oh, you already heard about the recall

Me: What recall?

My 8yr just said we go together like biscuits and cream cheese. And I can’t tell if that’s a compliment or contradiction

Pretty girl in front of me at Panera ordered a frozen cold brew and before I could stop myself I said, “Ah yes, the coldest brew of all,” and she moved away from me.

Me: No matter what you do in life, I’ll always be there for you.

Wife: Stop making promises to the pig.

Life is too short beautiful and unpredictable to not tell people how you really feel

Her: That’s so sweet, I-

Green Day is overrated

Her:

Me: *folding a fitted sheet*

Ghost: Ouch.

This sign exists because someone at some point gave the alligators hallucinogens, right?

me: I’ve got a date tonight and I need all the help I can get

barber: ok

[later]
her: you look nice

barber, from under the table: tell her she looks nice too

i want the dreams to chase me for once

Security Guard: Can I see your ID card?
Me: *flashes card quickly*
SG: Show me your card again.
Me: Bit weird, but OK… *flashes cardigan*

“LMAO WHO DID THIS” — me as a homicide detective

[watching murder documentary]

Her: That’s not how I would have done it.

Me: *never sleeps again*

What do you get when you expose a cow to radioactive waste?

A Mootation

[fire alarm]

Hotel California manager: oh no

Help your friends with their diet, replace the light in the fridge with a airhorn.

Whoever coined the term “gross profit” wasn’t getting paid for their job.

Man on train saying he’s in back-to-back meetings all day, I suggested trying face-to-face meetings. He left without thanking me.

Pretty sure the inventor of noise-canceling headphones had a young kid trying to learn a band instrument.