Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t have a welcome mat at my front door bc I’m not a liar.

Woke up in a graveyard. Never felt more alive.

Me: I saw Elvis Presley last night.
Her: I’m sure it was an impersonator.
Me: No *hiding shovel* It was definitely him.

80% of parenting is trying not to laugh when you’re supposed to be mad

No matter which town/city in America you go to, there is one guarantee, and that is the locals absolutely roasting you for pronouncing the name of their town exactly how it is f***ing spelled

ATTENTION ALABAMA RESIDENTS: tonight’s penumbral lunar eclipse is perfectly natural. The moon is undamaged. Gay people are not stealing it.

I still have a landline. Or as I like to call it, Cell Phone Finder.

What do you call a laughing motorcycle?

Yamahahahahahahahahaha

Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis, except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.

Tried to change the song playing on my daughters computer.
She said to me: ‘I’m going to put parental controls on it.’

I dont pretend to be anything I’m not..

Except for sober I’ve pretended to be sober a few times

Dude at Starbucks just left the crowded store and went “Bye everyone,” and every single person in that store said goodbye I literally just met the main character

Supposed to leave for vacation in 5 minutes. Somehow, the clothes I need to pack that I threw in the washer an hour ago, aren’t ready.

(pediatric emergency dept)
Me: what’s your name?
4yo boy: I wear size 11 dinosaur shoes and my socks are spiderman today, see? *takes off shoes, shows me socks*
Me: awesome, those are really cool
4yo boy: yeah, I know!
Mom: I promise he knows his name

1st kid: *makes own baby food from organically grown fruits and veggies fresh from the garden*
4th kid: *throws can of spaghetti-O’s in a blender*

I’m only staying up until midnight to watch this year die.

Remember that decades long January? We didn’t know how good we had it.

Believing that you are popular or “famous” on twitter…

…is like believing you are rich because you won a game of Monopoly.

[at the drug store]

Employee: May I help you, sir?

Me (nervously): YEAH, I’M LOOKING FOR SOMETHING CALLED A “CHILL PILL”

If I like you I keep you close, if not I keep you at a distance so I can mime squishing your head between my thumb and forefinger.

my deep-seated irrational fear of ceiling fans has been vindicated

This lady just licked her finger and wiped her daughters face…

<–Hands her some Listerine and gets in line to be cleaned

While we’re all distracted by AI and the fear of a robot uprising, the real enemy is quietly gathering its forces.

A fun thing about parenthood is that even when you get to close the bathroom door you’re never really alone

My ex has made me dinner..
*gives a bit to the dog first*

10 signs that he’s just not that into you

1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10. He is a cat.

One time, when the kids were teenagers,
we tried to ditch them on a family holiday.

It didn’t work, unfortunately.

They found us.

“My great-grandma went to jail for making moonshine” was probably not the family history topic my son’s teacher expected.

Do you ever feel like you’re a terrible person? I do. I feel like you’re a terrible person.

idk flipping houses looks really hard