Dracula: I vant to suck your blood
Me: well technically, no — you don’t suck what you’re drinking. You want to suck my NECK
Dracula: vhoa
You Might Also Like
[dj voice] “What’s up Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“I wanna know, IS IT GETTING HOT IN HERE?!?”
[dads in unison] DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT
[Uncle Sam opening gifts at his July 4 birthday celebration]
*sigh* another stars and stripes top hat
me: i’ll just soak this dish so it’s easier to clean
brain: probably will be good in a minute
me: yeah but imagine how good it’ll be in a month
You know what they say about poison ivy – leaves of three, run screaming away and spend the rest of summer inside binge watching Netflix because Netflix never gives you rashes.
Sorry I picked up your pug and ran him in for a touchdown.
I went on a date last night!
It went really well…up until the moment the couple realized I was following them & promptly called the cops.
RT if you are my car keys and I can’t find you
With KFC’s announcement they’ve created an edible coffee cup, the chain is ready to face its next challenge: creating edible food.
Just made my neighbors kid cry. How was I supposed to know Hags meant have a great summer?
Friend: Did you know most people mistake thirst for hunger?
Me: Really? Weird. Hey, are you going to eat that water bottle?
5: Grandma told me a secret.
Me: Grandma knows you aren’t supposed to keep secrets from Mommy.
5: Ok, I’ll tell you. She said you make the worst food ever.
Me: I have a few secrets to tell you about Grandma.
My 6-year-old broke his brother’s favorite toy. He asked me what to say to him. Sensing a teachable moment, I looked him in the eye, told him to go to his brother & say, “Mama has something to tell you.”
My 3-year-old put a blanket over her head and ran around like it was an invisibility cloak, but not for long.
It made walls invisible, too.
IDEA: UberQuiet. You pay a little bit more but your driver never says a word to you.
6yo: I wish I was a bird so I could poop on people’s heads.
7yo: Why do you need to be a bird?
My husband let me sleep in late and then made me pancakes.
Someone please let Dateline know my death was absolutely premeditated.
Always surround yourself with people who are successful, because people who are successful always have money to bail you out jail
The best part of working retail is when a customer insists you “check in the back”
Our inventory system is pretty rock solid, Susan, but sure, I could use a 5 minute break pretending to look
[firing squad]
Captain: Any last words?
Prisoner: Why, yes. I’d like to speak with you for a moment about gun control.
Older siblings are the original Influencers. When I was little my brother said sausage pizza was gross and I didn’t eat it again for 20 years.
Hello Dragons I have a new invention called a “Tarp”
Dragons: what does it do?
Well you use it to keep something dry for like a couple hours then you fold it up for 2 and a half years.
Dragons: is there a spider in it when you use it next?
There are hundreds.
If I’m ever captured as a spy, all they’d have to do to get me to talk is put my house slipper on the wrong foot.
We’ve all been there
About halfway through my wife’s lecture on how dangerous cutting my own hair was I chopped off my own ears. I’ll never hear the end of it now.
I am a fool everyday I don’t need a holiday for it
My husband is a keeper.
No, that’s not the word.
Hoarder. He’s a hoarder.
If your kids aren’t drinking enough water, tell them it’s bedtime.
#BREAKING Egypt, Russia sign contract to build Egypt’s first nuclear plant
If you wash cheese with antibacterial soap, it turns back into milk.
There is no worse place to receive bad news than sitting in a beanbag chair.