Dracula is actually one of the funniest books of all time. Jonathan Harkness shows up at Dracula’s castle, Dracula’s like “hey could you write like five letters to your fiance in advance that say you’re fine” and Jonathan is like “weird, but yes absolutely”
ATM is telling me I have insufficient funds. Worst part is I was just walking by minding my own business.
Me: Please stop asking me a question every five seconds. I just want to sit on this couch and rest.
Therapist: Umm…you do know where you are, right?
Me: AGAIN with the questions!!
Diet day 1
I have removed all the bad food from the house.
It was delicious.
I like my coffee black just like my sabbath
I hate when people text me: “Call me.”
I’m gonna start calling people and when they answer, I’m gonna say: “Text me” And then hang up.
It’s actually a little puzzling that the Centaurs for Disease Control didn’t approve horse dewormer.
Sorry I called your huge zit pimple poppenheimer
Don’t give your heart to someone unless you’re 100% certain that you’re dead.
Email from my mom: What’s my email address?
my 10 yr plan is to wait till I’m 9 yrs 11 mos in & then absolutely slay
It’s six. Six raccoons. Six raccoons is the amount of raccoons that will make me turn around and walk down a different street. Six.
me: I’m looking for my wife
cop: can you describe her
me: she’s strong, independent..
cop: but what does she look like?
me: that’s not important
cop: it kinda is
those electric paddles they use to restart your heart but instead they perfectly grill your sandwich in 3 seconds flat
My idiot doctor tried to tell me I had a concussion, so I told him triangle bananas.
CHILD: goodnight earth, goodnight stars, goodnight orb
MOM: no it’s goodnight moon, honey
ORB: t h i s c h i l d w i l l b e s p a r e d
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
A fortune cookie told me I’d receive an important message soon.
The message in the bottle told me the fortune cookie was poisoned.
They say, every transformation makes you a new person.
But they don’t tell us where & how to dispose off the body
“Shrooms before brooms,” I say to the coven of stereotypical witches who have quite magically appeared in my living room.
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: why are you leaving?-me, watching an Avengers movie with my family
[at a party]
host: would you like a tour
me: no thanks, but hey while I have you here… which room would you describe as “off limits”
sometimes late at night i look up at the stars and wonder what life would be like if my hair was spaghetti. would i eat it? i prolly would. would i eat other peoples hair spaghetti? again, most likely yes
FRIEND: i have this great new detox system
it’s all natural and actually works i swearME: is it your liver & kidneys?
i bet it’s your liver & kidneys
[hanging up the phone] sorry that was my sensei. he said he’s turned evil and I’m probably the only student with the potential to stop him. So I have to go home now
Careful…I’ve already had our entire fight in my head and it doesn’t end well for you.
*Jesus sits down at the bar*
“The boss says we have to start charging you for water”
Shrek is a nye movie because the years start coming and they simply do not stop coming
Even if there’s a murderer behind me, finish chewing before you tell me.
me: *on my 100th crunch at the gym*
employee: ur getting cheeto dust on the weights
