Dracula is actually one of the funniest books of all time. Jonathan Harkness shows up at Dracula’s castle, Dracula’s like “hey could you write like five letters to your fiance in advance that say you’re fine” and Jonathan is like “weird, but yes absolutely”
I wore a beanie hat in public and people kept trying to buy drugs from me. I made $1200 but now I’m out of breath mints.
zoologist 1: whale
zoologist 2: we used that name already
zoologist 1: shark
zoologist 2: we used that name too
zoologist 1: whale-shark
zoologist 2: hot dog you’ve done it again sir
Imagine the time we’d save if we could just normalize best friends sitting in on marital discussions and arguments so we wouldn’t have to relay all the details later.
Chicago launched an innovative new ride-sharing program today and the way it works is some guy stole my bike.
Once a guy pisses me off, I cancel their whole age group.
Currently accepting men aged 53, 74, and 98.
The cat acts like I’m interfering as she plays with a toy but that’s my phone charger!
“I’m not really a big dog person.” – lying werewolf
I think we all know that Hungry Eyes was written about pizza.
Break into your neighbor’s house every night but don’t take anything just put a cape on their dog
me: truth or dare
government: truth
me: is Wyoming real
government: dare
Being held for questioning sounds more romantic than it is
me as a kid: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
me now as an adult: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
I wonder how Abraham Lincoln would feel if he knew he and Shakira’s hips have the same reputation
Don’t worry, you’re not the first person to misinterpret my flirting as food poisoning
Some guy in the middle of my Nosferatu screening took out his phone and googled ‘Nosferatu’
It’s really important to have things in common with your spouse, for instance my wife and I both despise my very existance.
If you feel yourself getting bored because you’ve spent too much of your day in bed, just roll to the other side. It’s like a fresh start
Got banned for life from rap battling for repeated use of the word dingus.
*Aquarium
GUIDE: Octopuses are sensitive to camera flash so please turn off…ma’am don’t flash the octopus
ME: [pulls shirt back down] ok
friend: i have no idea how some people have 3 kids
me: they have sex 3 times
[invention of surfing]
“Stand on this wood so sharks don’t eat you”
The 4 year old thinks a cat’s tail is it’s underwear because it covers the butthole. I can’t really argue with that logic.
I don’t want your undivided attention. I want your multiplied attention. Make clones of yourself and give me all of their attention too.
I don’t know if this is just an Italian thing but I have the complete inability to cook for less than 2,116 people at a time.
Martin Shkreli in jail: “Can I have an aspirin?”
Jail: “Yes. That will be $197,000.”
i once made an offhand comment at summer camp that got a laugh so i remembered it for a year and worked it into conversation the next summer but it didn’t get a laugh that year. so you see i don’t need to do stand-up, i’ve already internalized its lessons.
I decided to make the ultimate ice cream dessert today so I combined sea salt ice cream with sea salt chocolate, sea salt almonds and sea salt caramel. What did it taste like? Salt. It tasted like salt.
It turns out the only way to get my kids to flush the toilet is for me to be showering when they use it.
“No, no. No! NO!” – guy who invented black ski masks after people started using them for robbing
I bought quick oats and two days later my roommate showed up with instant oats. I will not be humiliated; I must find an even sooner oat.
