Dracula is actually one of the funniest books of all time. Jonathan Harkness shows up at Dracula’s castle, Dracula’s like “hey could you write like five letters to your fiance in advance that say you’re fine” and Jonathan is like “weird, but yes absolutely”
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If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
BUZZ ALDRIN:They say in space no one can hear you scream, but it’s not true and the other astronauts get mad at you for the rest of the trip
Cop: Tell me again why there’s a guy in your trunk.
Me: I told him he would look good in it.
Tough love is true love
American cheese is just regular cheese that’s not afraid to fight for freedom! Also, it’s fatter than the other cheeses. And more racist.
I grew up living paycheck to paycheck , but through hard work and perseverance i now live direct deposit to direct deposit.
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Teacher: Fill out the parent form.
Me: Why?
Teacher: So I can contact you if your kid gets in trouble.
Me: *writing* Raised. By. Wolves.
What kind of therapist does a cat see?
A pspspsychologist
“Have them press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“Are they still there?”
“Give them 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
If I had known what cleaning a toilet is like with a husband and two sons I would’ve become a lesbian.
Merica.
I hate to brag but strangers were spraying me with Lysol before this all started.
Me before socializing: “Don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy.”
Crazy: “Aaaaand ACTION!”
Like most major sports injuries, almost all Rock, Paper, Scissors injuries occur because of insufficient stretching before the match.
*Stays in interrogation room after being told I’m free to leave anytime*
-Y’all have excellent wifi here. Can I possibly get more coffee?
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
*packing suitcases*
kid 1: stuffed animals, toy cellphone in side pocket
kid 2: stick
Telling my son he can’t stay home from school for no reason even though when I was his age I’d blow dry my forehead and tell my mom I had a fever.
Takes the stairs because I preemptively exited an elevator and want to run from my shame
Actually the first 38 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
No, your message in a bottle does not find me well, it finds me drowning
*skinny dips into black hole
“5 second rule lol.” -me, first day as a heart transplant surgeon
I grew up so poor our dog could only get one rabie.
If you’re wondering what all these scratches on my chest are from, it’s because my cat hates to get in the hot tub with me.
Hey girl, I heard you like bad boys?
*starts jigsaw puzzle from middle instead of edges*
Secret to a successful marriage is to compliment your spouse before discussing tasks and chores
[invention of surfing]
“Stand on this wood so sharks don’t eat you”
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk.