Dracula is never rebooted, merely revamped
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Everyone else wants to talk about sex, and I just want to talk about cholera.
[varnishing an old rocker]
keith richards: what the hell man
My youngest child is choosing to drop out of homeschool and instead pursue her B.E.D.
Real life: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital one to two days after giving birth
TV shows: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital 30 seconds after giving birth
mobster substitute teacher: so you see, the rats sleep with the fishes
kids: *nervously flipping through their zoology books*
Hell, YES, I work out. Somebody has to support the ibuprofen industry.
JESUS: Happy Father’s Day, Joe.
[hands over present]JOSEPH: Wow, thanks Jesus. I wonder what it-
[present is empty][Jesus and God hi-5]
[interview]
BOSS: So I see you majored in communication?
ME: No…miscommunication
BOSS: Your resume clearly says communication
ME: See?
huge valentines day plans this year!!
(Electricians.)
i’m the instant oatmeal packets in your pantry that you never want, but are glad you have.
I hate when an old man tries to friend me on Facebook and then I realize we went to high school together
I should run for public office just to see the scandalous dirt they dig up on me. I would really like to piece together my twenties.
When you’re in the voting booth this fall, remember that Abe Lincoln didn’t slay all those vampires so that Trump could become President.
At first you don’t succeed, destroy the paper trail saying you tried.
It sucks when something bad happens to someone you hate. Nobody will let you gloat. It’s like you can’t even enjoy your own joy.
Even Forrest Gump got laid.
This is bullshit.
Trying to do deadlifts at the gym, but I can’t figure out where they hide the bodies.
What base is it when he watches you fall off your barstool with a mouthful of loaded fries?
Co-worker: How are you today?
Me: *starts writing death threats on the wall in period blood.*
Hey Facebook…Meta sounds like the name of Elon Musk’s next girlfriend.
my mom treats her air pods like they’re disposable. buys a few a month. she says they would be easier to not lose if they had….a cord
Being a parent means often saying your child is shy rather than “he sees how creepy u are, that’s why he doesn’t want to shake your hand”.
At least we don’t have to wear pants anymore.
Dishwasher broke, so now I’m washing them all by hand like some sort of motherless Disney Princess.
Feeling sad? Donuts.
Feeling blah? Donuts.
Feeling upset? Donuts.
Feeling that your husband may be Facebook cheating on you with his skanky old high school girlfriend Brenda? Lots and lots and lots of donuts.
Air Canada says 20,000 mobile app users have been affected by a data breach. On the upside, the hackers might know where your lost luggage is.
I accidentally bought organic milk instead of regular and now my family is so broke we are forced to live in a shack and make clothes out of recycled hair.
[pre-op]
Me: In just a few minutes we’ll administer your euthanasia.
Patient: Don’t you mean anesthesia?
Me: Sure. Whatever.
I’ve not been into the office since March, but I can still smell the boiled eggs my coworker ate at lunch on that last day.