dracula is the original vampire, which means all other vampires are technically his kids. but has he ever paid child support?? dracula is nothing but a deadbeat dad, that’s why he can’t look at himself in the mirror, he’s too ashamed
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Job interview…
Interviewer “On your CV, it says that you are a man of mystery.”
“That’s correct.”
“Would you like to elaborate?”
“No.”
My wife and I met at a ‘Make a Jelly in the Shape of a US President’ class, and I knew she was the one, from the moment I set Eisenhower.
[at work]
me in my 20’s: I DONT NEED LUNCH I HAVE MOTIVATION AND AMBITION TO ENERGIZE ME
me now: listen, if i don’t eat lunch at this exact second i will actually die
Becoming a parent changes your whole life.
One change I was not expecting was that whenever I sit down, I release a hormone only my child can detect that causes him to ask me for something.
a bunch of people at a school dance waiting to get a drink
that’s it. that’s the punch line
“what do your tattoos mean?” that I can’t be trusted with $200
I wish Costco offered samples at the liquor and electronics department
Me: Gets something in eye
Brain: Quick stick your finger in there too
I was voted, “most likely to interfere with a corpse,” in high school.
i’m gonna need grocery stores to start contributing to black friday sales this year. i don’t need another big screen bro. what i need is to be able to afford cheese again.
I wish I tried half as hard at anything as the cooking world does to substitute regular pizza dough with random bullshit.
If you get a text from me that ends in a stream of emojis, my mother has stolen my phone DO NOT ENGAGE
Who gets the job of writing the fortunes in the cookies?
I want that job. I could really screw with some people.
Just saw I am Legend for the first time and found it completely implausible when there was no reference to any toilet paper shortage.
I’m not straight up gangster but I’m working on improving my posture.
NASA Social Media Manager Considers Himself Part Of Team
I literally just used the flashlight on my phone to search under the couch for my phone if you ladies are looking for someone with all their ducks in a row
If Barb wears leopard print to another funeral, I’m buying a dart gun.
I’m so tired, I’m thinking of visiting my grandma just so I can take a swig outta her oxygen tank.
If I ever have an out of body experience, when it’s over I’m gonna be like “Umm, do I have to go back to my original body? I kinda like that younger one with better hair over there.”
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
I forgot the word milk so I called it calcium juice.
Establish dominance on Halloween by eating your neighbor’s jack-o-lanterns.
Saving up ketchup packets in the fridge so I can one day open my own restaurant
someone explain to me 72 hour protection deodorants and antiperspirants.
If you bathe everyday, that like defeats the whole purpose right??
My great grandmother used say that things were better in Russia before the revolution, but I think she was being Tsarcastic.
I always blame other people for my problems and it’s all your fault.
*phone falls*
Me: Oh No my phone!!!
*friend falls*
Me: Hahahahaha idiot!
10 likes this girl so I’m going to teach him everything I know about women long story short we’re getting our bikes to ride around her house
#YouHadOneJob #SuperBowlXLIX
