dracula is the original vampire, which means all other vampires are technically his kids. but has he ever paid child support?? dracula is nothing but a deadbeat dad, that’s why he can’t look at himself in the mirror, he’s too ashamed
You Might Also Like
3yo: I don’t wanna go to sleep
Me: your body needs sleep to grow
3yo: but I’m already growed
Me: how do you think I got so big
3yo: by eating
Me:
There’s no I in team but there is an I in marriage. There’s also ME, AA and RAGE.
My wife said that I set up the baby monitor wrong. Apparently it’s not supposed to be duct-taped to the baby’s ankle.
I’ve never been in love… But I imagine its similar to the feeling you get when you see your waiter arriving with your food.
One of my firmly-held beliefs is that every one of us has driven off with something on our roof that wasn’t supposed to be there, and another is that we’ve all seen a car in traffic with coffee, a briefcase, or a purse on the roof and wondered what kind of idiot does that.
You’d think that the guy in charge of putting pepperoni on frozen pizzas would’ve been up for a performance review by now.
You know you’re on drugs when you’re talking to your kids about drugs and you don’t have any kids.
Got fired from my job at Footlocker for trying to feed myself to the crocs.
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
Co Worker: I’m a workaholic.
Me: Oh. My. God. He’s been drinking Workahol!!
Straight women in lesbian bars think everyone wants them when we’re really just staring because we can’t figure out whose ex you are.
Once a neighbor kid asked if my dog had any nicknames & I lied & made a bunch up & now whenever I see her she asks how ‘Tree Trunk’ is doing
Family dinner. I was halfway through my 2nd egg roll before I realized everyone else at the table had been praying for the last 7 minutes.
Haven’t lost a game of chess in twenty years, mainly because I haven’t played in that long or what have you.
Any yard can be a graveyard if you put a body in it
Next time someone knocks on your bathroom stall say “Sorry, I’m with a client.”
If I ever move into a mansion, it means I definitely won the lottery, or I’m successfully blackmailing someone.
My car broke down between the marina and the Hallmark store.
Now, I’m stuck between a dock and a card place.
I was kicked out of a strip club last night for throwing twenty quid at one of the strippers.
Ok, I admit it was in pound coins.
me looking at kristen stewart pics: i should get a mullet. it will definitely look as good on me and not like a small animal died on my weird head
boss: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: HAHAHA[later]
cw: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: literally never talk to me gary
“I love ribs! What are ribs, anyway? Are they like cow, or like people…or?”
-my 6yo daughter, that’s apparently not disturbed by cannibalism
[God creating chihuahuas]
“Scare that rat into an identity crisis”
Coffee cause nowadays there’s just too many cameras in the world to get away with anything.
When you watch a movie and two persons kiss when they wake up, are you all awww, or are you a normal person wondering if two bad breaths cancel out?
satan: i am lord of the underworld.
me: Antarctica?
satan: no it’s much hotter.
me: (nods) Australia.
Fun typo: “You ate the most important thing in my life.”
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again bc I have a terrible memory